Question to the Women

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Question to the Women
15
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:50pm
Hi all again,

I've usually posted here about a girl that I am seeing...particularly when I am filled with anxiety; thus the nature of the posts.

Regardless, we've been on 4 dates, we've been going at a pace of only about one date per month. We are both extremely busy. We really only contact eachother on the phone or email about one per week on average. We kind of both stated we were not dating other people, as we barely have enough time to date eachother.

I'm not going to go into details, but from a friend's description (with his knowledge of her past, he knows her well) and my own intuition, this girl is not a "player" and is only looking for something very serious. She also mentioned that she is not sure if she is staying in my town in the long run or returning home in KY. She is obviously very serious because one of the considerations is real estate; she wants a big enough house and she has talked about kids, etc. But she knows Boston has alot more to offer for career etc.

At the beginning of the 4th date, she stated she didn't want to intensify things because of her uncertain state of mind, and felt bad about the slow rate of returning calls, but wanted to keep me at an "arms length" so I wouldn't get mad if she decided to leave. I was kind of cynical and though I was recieving the usual easy let down mumbo jumbo. However, at the end of the date, she stated she could date once per week and would commmunicate with me more often (WITH NO PRESSURE OR SOLICITATION FROM ME). Obviously her decision to stay or leave is not imminent; she said she has felt this way for a few years.

My question to the women here is this: Have you ever started out this slow with a guy? I mean; I call her, and maybe I hear from her a week later. It is just that I have never gone this slow before. She was telling me, that she read a sociology paper about the benefits of really getting to know someone for awhile before starting something. I do my best to stay cool and trust her that she is not "stringing me along". Sometimes I wonder what are my chances at this "cool" of a rate. Sometimes I wonder if she is just being nice and dating me.

I would love to hedge my "bets" and date someone else, but I have so little time as it is, it would probably be awhile before I meet someone else.

A strange and new experience for me. Maybe its because we're older now, and she has had a few bad experiences in the past? For some strage reason, my gut tells me this girl is a real find regardless of the slowness of her returning calls etc. But, over the next few weeks, if she doesn't increase the pace, I should take it up and ask her why...I think I've been sooo mellow with her, but I don't want to be too mellow, even though its my character.

Another funny thing is, after the 2nd date, I was really excited and "hot", but since its been so slow, over time, I've been cooling off. Perhaps if it continues like this, I may lose interest and move on anyway.

Thanks!



 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:05pm
Question for the Women? Darn, and I had a good answer all ready too...
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:08pm
hehe c'mon tgo!! you can tell me too!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:47pm
To be honest, she's not that into you - going that slow in the beginning destroys the necessary momentum, IMHO - I think you do need to see each other at least once a week - and if she is so "rational" that she is able to see you less and not care/miss you or worry about who else you might be meeting then she is not too enthusiastic about you and is relying on books instead of facing the truth. I have gone slow as in once a week and slow as far as having sex but if I am into someone I see the value in seeing that person at least once a week and speaking at least twice a week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:50pm
A question? If you do not have any time to date, what is it you are doing with your time that you are both so busy? And, how can you develop a relationship with anyone if you don't have any time? What is going on with the time thing?

Sheila

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:56pm
It isn't often that we hear about someone who wants to speed up a relationship - usually they start out going from 0 - 300 really quick and then they want to know how to slow it down.

 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 6:44pm

No, I've never started off that slow with a guy I was really interested in.

Avatar for jentwine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 8:25pm
Okay, I have a question for you. This relationship (or lack thereof) is clearly making you frustrated and unhappy, and seems to be a heck of an emotional burden -- judging by your numerous posts on this board (not that I mind, God forbid -- fire away if you need to). Why are you still in it? She is not the only single woman left on earth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:18pm
Thank you all so much for your help and support. Most of my friends are men so I need the other perspective.

Why am I dealing with this? That is a very good question. Partly lust, she is a very attractive woman, and being a guy, lust can sometimes cause us to lose sense and judgement.

I am really busy because I work around 50hrs/wk and I attend business school at night, I am sometimes lazy to go "out there" on the hunt for another woman.

I also have a hero complex. Sometimes, I find myself attracted to girls who are having problems because I want to help and fix them. I want to take care of them. I really don't know why I am like this. That may be another reason why I am going through with this. But I treat other friends like this too. I love to help people with their problems...

Another is my friend keeps telling me what a good girl she is; she doesn't play games; (she is his babysitter, he has known her for a year), and yet she treats me like crap (not returning phone calls when she says she will). I want to tell my friend about this (I've known him for 1 year at business school), but not sure about the implications, I don't want to ruin my friendship with him. But he has told me that she has dated some real nuts and her ex-bf was jerk; calling her when drunk, yelling at her on the phone, then pretending not to remember the next day. This only happened twice and she broke it off.


And yet there are mixed signals!! She doesn't have the aura of a player. She paid for dinner two days before my b-day, then called me on my b-day! But she didn't call me the next week like she said she would. I left her a message one week after NY's and she took 8 days to return it but she wanted to go out again, I had deleted her numbers! Her self-esteem isn't too high, I compliment her on her accomplishments and she plays them down. I offered to pick her up at her apt, and she said "why, so you can see my dinky little apartment?". She tells me she didn't do anything major for NY's, she was with her mother and went to bed early. She told me she is on the fence because she misses her family. She dresses like a plain jane, and seems shy sometimes. She told me she hated dating and isn't playing games and isn't dating anyone else. She told me her parents know about us dating and is wondering what the hold up is. She told me upfront, she cant guarantee me anything and she was keeping me at an arm's length because she doesn't know what she wants to do. She said she is lonely in Boston, doesn't have too many friends here because people are cold. She told me she dated other guys b4 me, and they just want to go to her apt, she rejects and then never hears from them again. She is also trying to start a business on the side, and alot of other projects. She told me if I wasn't comfortable with the "pace" I could move on with another girl. She is not good with the phone but is responsive to emails. On one of the dates, she offered to meet in between where we live, so I wouldn't have to rush into town. Does a player and conniving person offer this?

I have a friend who dated a girl like this, once a month, she got out of a bad relationship several months prior, and she just wanted to take things super slow, and the communication was slow. But he knew for a fact she wasn't "out there" with other guys. She was also busy with a lot of stuff.

Sorry for rambling, but with this girl, I can outweigh every positive with a negative and I get nowhere in my mind. Maybe she isn't necessarily playing games or not that interested, maybe her life situation is just too uncertain for her to get too involved with me, but still wants some level of companionship but is scared. Or maybe this is all a big act and she is in fact a player, or just not interested and wasting my time...

If I meet another interesting girl by all means I will date her, but....I won't burn the bridge with this girl...unless of course, she never calls me back again! hehe. Talk about an enigma. But the emotional drain on me isn't that big anymore. I have been steadily losing interest anyways.

 

Avatar for jentwine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:46pm
I truly hope that you lose your interest soon enough and get out of this unhealthy situation. Sorry if I sound harsh but you need a wake up call. She is DEFINITELY playing games with you and is stringing you along because she clearly gets a kick out of this -- your obvious interest, your attention that you lavish on her, your phone calls, emails, etc. Being scarred from previous relationships is nothing but a load of crap. We've all been hurt in our relationships and it's NOT a reason for hurting others and leading them on. If she is insecure and has self-esteem problems -- these are HER problems, not yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:41pm
Iman-- seek out a bit of counseling. You sound like a nice guy who picks unavailable people and then can spend hours trying to figure out why it is not working-- instead of finding people who actually want to be with you and spend time having fun.

Healthy people either A. accept a loose relationship when they see it and don't count days between calls, etc. B. realize this is not a relationship that is going to bring much into your life and move on.


Sheila

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