questions....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
questions....
5
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 5:50pm
Are we, as women, over-analyzing things, being too sensitive or expecting too much from men? Is it our self-esteem that is creating all these insecurities? Why do we want to hang on when a potential relationship is not going to happen or when a relationship is over? Do men ever go through the motions women go through during a relationship or even a potential relationship? Oh, help me understand! I feel I am just about to give up on relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: jens128
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:38pm

i really don't know about what men go through...but i think overall, women are more sensitive and aware of the dynamics, and when we give ourselves to the men, when we love someone or like someone a lot we do want to do our best. women are more emotional, as is always evident, but then i dont know if men are too, but they just perhaps conceal it. with me, getting physically intimate is a huge step and i try to delay it as much as possible or basically never get there, becuase then i start having ALLL kinds of "expectations" from the guy which could put a lot of pressure on him. i actually start having all kinds of expectations even otherwise :-) i always have to keep checking myself to keep expectations under control and learn to differentiate between ideal and real. in reality, they are not always going to be emotionally available, they r not always going to be "listening", they will have their own low moods periodically, they are not always going to say the exact words we want them to say, or even say "anything close" to begin with, they are not going to know that we need that hug, or even flowers (gosh, and i find it's time to "hint" now :-), they might say careless things which they did not mean, well, the list could go on and on. anyway...i dont know if i touched on answering your question but there's some of my thoughts anyway :-) have patience.... and know that yes, there are also guys who do like to put effort in their relationships and see it successful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: jens128
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:43pm
Yes, what you don't know is that men analyze relationships just as much as women do. Men hang on even more than women to a quickly failing relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
In reply to: jens128
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:44pm

I don't think it's good to blame ourselves. I think it's great that we question, that we analyze, that we *think* about these things. It shows we care, it shows our capacity to invest. I think when it becomes a problem is when, like you said, it takes a toll on our concept of ourselves.

I just wrote in another post that my problem is I tend to take a man's unwillingness to commit as a personal statement about the person I am. On one level it is, ...perhaps. I tend to think "if I was more __________ or more __________ and less ____________ and less ____________ then he would want me, if only I was ______________." But if you look at it on another level, it's just as much about him. When I'm ok with me and a man pulls away from me, it just says that he's not ok with committing to a kind, thoughtful and committed woman.

Maybe it's just about timing...and I think there's a truism about letting them pursue ...

I don't know. Lately the words of that song "you can't hurry love" have been playing in my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: jens128
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:09am

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Heck no! If you want certain things out of life and the man you're dating won't can't help you reach those goals, then you have every right to decide the relationship isn't working and move on. Example: Commitmentphobes who want plenty of sex. You want to get married and one day have kids? Well if this commitmentphobe is eating up your Saturday nights, then it's up to you to decide these Saturday night frolics with Mr Commitmentphobe are getting in the the way of you meeting Mr Right and feel justified telling Mr Commitmentphobe to take a hike!

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Girls are taught to believe we are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. No girl wants to be a B. But by settling for second best, we want to believe we are doing the noble thing. I've wasted plenty of time with guys who weren't going in the same direction I was going. We ended up breaking up anyway. My regret is I didn't break up with them sooner. I was too busy trying to give them the ultimate (personality, mores, social) make-over! Many girls assume that just because the relationship didn't work out, it is somehow their fault. I've seen woman who were married to alcoholics say, "maybe if I was a better wife, he wouldn't drink so much".

<over?>>

Yikes! I've done the same thing myself. I didn't want to break up with my bf of 3 years because I had "so much time invested" in the relationship. Men could spend 20 years in a relationship. But when they decide it's not working, they walk away before they waste another 20 years.

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Sure they do. A lot of guys jump through hoops to win a girls approval. But as human nature would have it, if their mate becomes a doormat, they easily become bored. And the hunter in them, sends them on the prowl for a "greater conquest".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
In reply to: jens128
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:37am
Well sometimes we tend to overthink things. Guys just live and let live, while we analyze every little nuance and mannerism. I guess when we would like a dozen roses delivered to our desks on Valentine's day and our bf's don't think of doing that, then we think he's an uncaring jack@$$. But the poor guy could be planning a dinner on the 16th of Febuary, because the 16th falls on a Sat night. All I can say is, men are on their own timetable and it is most likely different than ours. And some girls take it personally when guys aren't on our timetables. But many girls ignore big red flags. If a guy doesn't call or cancels the 5th date in a row, it's time to move on.