Question...should I be concerned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Question...should I be concerned?
15
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:47pm

Hi all...

I have just started dating a wonderful man and things are going amazingly....he is intelligent, successful, educated, comes from a good family, our passion level is off the charts....this list goes on and on. He is awesome...loves the little things in life like taking drives, being romantic....and he respects me SO much.

But....I have a question. The one thing I have noticed that might possibly be a red flag is that he is ok letting me pay for things. He will pay more often than not, but sometimes he just wants me to pay. I guess it is ok that we share, but I feel like he might be kind of cheap. But that is not my biggest red flag. I think it is ok that I pay once in awhile (even though he knows I don't make that much money and he does very well).

So this past weekend we went to lunch at a little family owned cafe and we were waited on by the old man that co-owns the cafe. My boyfriend was very cordial to him and always is to wait staff, but when it came time to pay, he paid at the register and then walked out with me. It dawned on me that he didn't leave a tip! So I called him on it. He said "oh yeah, I didn't leave one" It seemed that he had forgotten. But instead of going back to leave a tip, he just said "Oh he will get more tips as the day goes on." !! I was a bit shocked.

My immediate reaction was to be shocked. I mean that is inconsiderate in my book. But....I think he was embarassed that he forgot and he didn't want to go back to leave one. Should I be horribly concerned that this is a big red flag, or no? Help!!

Marie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:07pm

I am sure that I will be contradicted on this, but I am really sensitive to tipping knowing so many people who are in the waitstaff business. I don't know how far from the restaurant you were, but if you were close by, I would have expected him to walk back to leave the tip. I probably would have offered to return to the restaurant myself to leave a tip and an apology.

I don't think I have ever "forgotten" to leave a tip though. I'd watch his spending habits closely, this may be a very big flag.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:08pm

That would concern me, and I most likely would have gone back and left a tip myself, even at the risk of embarrassing my date because I just would not feel comfortable not leaving a tip.

I suppose it's possible that he was too embarrassed to go back, but that seems unlikely to me...what would be the big deal about doing that?

I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd continue to observe his behavior over the next few dates and see if that was a one-time aberration or there's a pattern, and if there is a pattern of cheapness, then you need to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 6:46pm
Maybe he was hoping his date would leave the tip since he was playing for the meal??? Iri
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 6:49pm

Maybe...but he should have asked directly if she would mind leaving the tip, rather than playing a passive-aggressive game and pretending to forget.

That would be almost as much of a turn-off to me as being cheap.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:53pm
Yeah but maybe that's the same game that some gals play seeing whether or not the date will pay if they say "do you want some money?" Seems to me that women do that plenty of times, ya know? Not that it's right... just seems to happen.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:55pm

Yep...that's why I don't offer unless I want to pay and won't hold it against him if he takes me up on it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:58pm

I guess my point is so many women do it, so why shouldn't a guy? LOL


And what are you doing up Missy? :o) Well I guess it's not that late where you are, hey?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:01pm

Well, yeah, you know my feelings about "well, everyone does it". "Everyone" supposedly lies about their age and height in their OLD profiles, too...doesn't make it right or acceptable ;-).

And yes, it's only 7 PM out here on the West Coast!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:10pm

Wait! You mean I'm not 7'1" and 150lbs??? OMG!!! Stop it!!! LOL


*hugs* Sheri...


7pm... what I wouldn't give for those last few hours. However I did train a client on PST tonight... we started at 5pm EST, what fun! But they're in Arizona or NV, forget which...


How are you???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:23pm
To me at least, you shouldn't be concerned at all about him wanting to you to pay occasionally.
When it comes to it, he still cares for you so much and wants to pay for most things. Personally, it seems as though the stereotypical man paying for everything deal is in the initial courtship. This could just be a sign that he's becoming more comfortable with you. True relationships work at/for things together.

Pages