Quite confused...
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Quite confused...
| Sat, 05-19-2007 - 7:40pm |
hi!
i am dating again after a 5-year relationship which ended 7 months ago, and i have finally found someone who peaked my interest. someone i respect and can confide in. it turns out, he is my co-worker, someone who over the past two years has become a trustworthy friend. he lives in another city, but close enough where if something official should start, we could make it work. i have always sensed an interest in his part, and for the last three months there has been mutual heavy flirting which eventually led to multiple physical encounters over the course of a month during business trips. it's very comfortable, we like spending time with each other, and still have great conversations and are still great friends. here is the deal: he is very, very, very emotionally stunted, one of those people who seems to be literally afraid to feel and divulge any feelings he may have. he's extremely guarded, which i can also be. even though he is 30, he has only had one significant relationship--his first one which seems to have scarred him deeply. he also says he's great at hiding his feelings. i see him when i am in town for work, we talk everyday during business hours, but not after or on the weekend. we have yet to have those "lovey dovey" conversations, like when will i see you next, or i miss you, or any other form of expression for that matter. i did bring the issue (in a no-pressure, roundabout way) up last time i saw him, but haven't gotten an answer yet, which was to be expected. so i am going with the flow for now, but am i being foolish? he is definitely not a player, or one of those guys who just hooks up for no reason. i feel he really does like me, but i have not been reassured--that's my own conclusion drawn from knowing him relatively well and by reading between the lines. but for all intents and purposes, i have no idea where i stand, for all i know i could be a friend with benefits, even though i have made it clear that i am not interested in that. so, is this a case of "he's just not that into you"? or is this someone who needs reaffirmation until he comes out of his shell? i am not used to this kind of person. i'm from the "if you like someone, show it" school of thought, and have been with people who are the same. but i realize everyone is wired differently. i am wasting my time, or might there be something there?
i am dating again after a 5-year relationship which ended 7 months ago, and i have finally found someone who peaked my interest. someone i respect and can confide in. it turns out, he is my co-worker, someone who over the past two years has become a trustworthy friend. he lives in another city, but close enough where if something official should start, we could make it work. i have always sensed an interest in his part, and for the last three months there has been mutual heavy flirting which eventually led to multiple physical encounters over the course of a month during business trips. it's very comfortable, we like spending time with each other, and still have great conversations and are still great friends. here is the deal: he is very, very, very emotionally stunted, one of those people who seems to be literally afraid to feel and divulge any feelings he may have. he's extremely guarded, which i can also be. even though he is 30, he has only had one significant relationship--his first one which seems to have scarred him deeply. he also says he's great at hiding his feelings. i see him when i am in town for work, we talk everyday during business hours, but not after or on the weekend. we have yet to have those "lovey dovey" conversations, like when will i see you next, or i miss you, or any other form of expression for that matter. i did bring the issue (in a no-pressure, roundabout way) up last time i saw him, but haven't gotten an answer yet, which was to be expected. so i am going with the flow for now, but am i being foolish? he is definitely not a player, or one of those guys who just hooks up for no reason. i feel he really does like me, but i have not been reassured--that's my own conclusion drawn from knowing him relatively well and by reading between the lines. but for all intents and purposes, i have no idea where i stand, for all i know i could be a friend with benefits, even though i have made it clear that i am not interested in that. so, is this a case of "he's just not that into you"? or is this someone who needs reaffirmation until he comes out of his shell? i am not used to this kind of person. i'm from the "if you like someone, show it" school of thought, and have been with people who are the same. but i realize everyone is wired differently. i am wasting my time, or might there be something there?

You and he are having a fling. How can he become the "trustworthy friend" that you say he is without sharing his thoughts and feelings with you? I'm sure he has communicated thoughts and feelings to you. It's always a bummer when things start out so simple and get so complicated. You have developed romantic feelings for him and he has not reciprocated those feelings as of yet. You stated that you have communicated what you want to him, which is more of a real relationship. How do you know that the one relationship has scarred him deeply?
For some reason women don't recognize that when there is a flow of communication until it comes to her or a discussion about relationships, it usually means that he's happy with it as it "is". That doens't mean that he couldn't feel more for you, but right now, things are fine the way they are. So there can't be "he's too scared to open up" because he had to have opened up somewhat to get the two of you where you are today.
You are not foolish at all, but sometimes the fling, tryst, affair doesn't always convert to "relationship".
He doesn't need affirmation, unless he has told you that is how he is when it comes to women. Since you are the "if you like someone, show it" type of person, then you have two choices: keep things as they are and don't expect more or express your feelings to him and he may be delighted or he may tell you that his feelings don't go quite that deep.
Good luck.