Quiting the relationship "cold turkey"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Quiting the relationship "cold turkey"
6
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:32pm
Hello to all. I 've been seeing this guy for over year. He live 30 minutes away from me, but he doesn't drive. If we want to see each other i always have to go to him. He's different than me, example: does not show feelings or expresses them, and somehow imature, he doesn't know what he wants... I'm 3 years older than him, and i have kids, so i can't move where he is because my ex lives with the kids too in alternate weeks. I want a commitment from him, but, i told him i love him, and he says he doesn't love me back, he says he likes me and wants to be with me, but i know i need more, like, him there with me by my side, living with me. He won't commit to that, and i told him that i need a serious relationship and settle down. He doesn't seem to want the same things. It's like we're on different stages of our lives. I told him yesterday morning, that until he decides to be serious with me, or at least have the goal of working on getting a car, and coming to leave with me, or have some sort of plant o ultimately live with me, that i couldn't not waste my time, I told him that i wanted someone who was serious with me, and love me, and that until he decides, not to call me. He called after like 10 times and i know is not to talk about this problem, he always avoids confrontation and talk about problems, i know he just wanted me to come over and spend the night, which is the Sunday night routine, after my kids leave to their dad's house for the week. So i didn't answer the phone...but it's so hard, because i have tried two times, ultimatums like this before, and the moment i speake to him, it goes back to square1. It's been tremendously hard to do this, but i feel i have to in order to move on with my life. I know i don't want this limbo relatioship, plus it's been over a year, and i feel that's the only way it's going to be, in his terms. Please help me being strong or giving me any advise. Thanks to all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 10:46pm

Every time you want to call him or break your decision, remind yourself of how it felt when he told you he doesn't love you, when he told you he doesn't want to commit to you. Remind yourself each and every time and that should deter you from calling him.


Also make a list of all the things you don't like about him. And when you want to call, read it. Read it again and again.


Remind yourself that you deserve better and you will get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:57am
I know this and i try really hard to remember that, what he told me, about not loving me. I'm so sad about this, he tried calling me again yesterday non stop for an hour than he gave up by texting me, saying that he just wanted to talk about us, and that he missed me, also that since i didn't want to talk to him he was going to move on and start dating again. I was more devastaded, and i didn't even reply back. I went to the gym after work, and i held myself not to cry, but i couldn't hold it any longer then i broke down and cried. I went home kept busy, but still thinking about everything, around 10:30 he sent me another text message, saying that he tried for two days to contact me and i ignored him, that he had planned to come and stay with me, yesterday and today, but since i didn't want to talk to him anymore, he won't answer my calls either. Then he said that he met some girl online and that she wants to meet him today, that he's gonna start dating again. It's like he's playing a game with me, and try to make upset and hurt me. That was so cruel...I'm so depressed and devastaded about this..
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:43pm

Hi avlis,

Breaking up is never easy, even when you know it is a relationship that needs to end. So, I'm sorry you're going through this.

This man sounds about as mature as a 10-year old. No, wait, I know some 10-year olds who are more mature than this. I have to laugh: I dated a man once who didn't have a car. And we didn't live in a city where it was convenient to take public transportation. Dutiful girlfriend that I was, I always drove. I really grew to resent him for this.

As to already meeting someone online, come on. Like that relationship's gonna work out. He just sounds really cruel to me. And a big baby.

I don't know...the guy says he doesn't love you, you have to drive to his house, he can't decide what he wants. It's been a year. I think it's the smart and brave thing to do to walk away from this. If he somehow grows up in a few years maybe you can get back together. But I wouldn't hold my breath. You know, I heard from my car-less ex-boyfriend not long ago. It had been 25 years and guess what? It was as if time had stood still for him. He was still the irresponsible/immature idiot he always was.

It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to break things off. You might enjoy Greg Berhandt's book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." or something like that. I didn't read it, but his other book "He's Just Not That Into You" was fantastic. On his TV show, he advises a "He-tox" when you break up with a guy. This includes not calling him, but instead, calling a friend.

I think you deserve better than this. Really. Take care of yourself. --FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:58pm
Thanks so much floridagirl... i feel so down today, and the though of him meeting someone else today makes me so sick to my stomach, i have been holding myself all day, but i just want to go home and cry. Thanks for your wise words, i really need this support right now... :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:01pm

Hon, if you need to go home and cry, do it. Get it out of your system. And of course, post when you need to.


I want you to keep something in mind... whenever you feel sad because he may be with someone else, re-read floridagirl's post. Think about what you're missing. Not too much honestly. And this guy keeps sounding worse. If he was someone who cared about your feelings, he would never be telling you about other girls or anything.


Keep yourself busy, treat yourself well. Go out for a manicure, pedicure, massage, anything to pamper yourself. Take it one day at a time. One day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:40pm
It is very clear that you both want different things and feel differently about each other. You can't force someone to want you or love you, even if you love them. So it appears that what is best for you and your heart and mind is to break things off with him so that you can heal from this and meet someone who returns your feelings. I don't hang around where I am not wanted. If someone doesn't return my feelings I quickly end things because it is much healthier to do so.