Reading/misreading/feeling stupid

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Reading/misreading/feeling stupid
10
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:17pm

Hi. I'm 50 years old and divorced less than a year. I'd like some comments on a rather silly situation that is bothering me.

Last Saturday I went on what I thought might be a "date" but could also have been a "dinner with a friend." I wasn't really sure how the guy viewed it, and I kind of thought he was trying to leave it ambiguous so that if the "date" part didn't work out, we could still be friends, or at least friendly without awkwardness.

The evening went well. He picked me up. We talked for hours over dinner. He paid for dinner. I offered to share, and he said he'd get it "this time."

We went home only because the restaurant was closing. I invited him in. He came in for "just a minute." When I offered him some tea, he said, "I'd like that some other time, but I'm tireder than I thought and I need to get going." Then he put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me. It was a sort of affectionate hug, like you could give a friend, except that he also bent over and kissed me on the lips. I kissed him back, but it was all very brief--a bit more than a peck, but not much.

Was I wrong to think that this meant it was a date? Was I wrong to think that he had had a good time and wanted to see me again? We parted with him saying what a great time he'd had and we should do it again. I agreed and said that next time it would be my treat.

I haven't heard from him since, even though yesterday morning I sent him an e-mail connected to work. (We work for the same big company in different divisions.) I feel hurt and rejected. Why did he kiss me on the lips and talk about getting together again if he wasn't interested? Why not just pretend that it hadn't been a date?

I feel so silly. This is someone I thought liked me and now it's going to be so awkward when we meet at work again.

What did I miss? What should I have done?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:24am

Well, evidently it wasn't just a "friend's" get together because there was kissing involved and friends don't kiss in the mouth even if it'd juts a peck on the lips. It was a date the man wants it or not. I think that he is trying to figure out what he wants with you. He indeed likes you, but does he want to move to a serious relationship with you OR any other woman?

Who invited who in the first place? Have you gone out before, lunch or dinner? Did he behave like this before? How did the date came about?

As for feeling rejected and such, don't take it like that. You both enjoyed the dinner and you both kissed and you liked it. For some reason you thought a bit more of what he may have thought about the kiss and dinner. It's possible that this guy is thinking about the date and how it ended and if he wants to go further. In his head, you're two adults who shared a kiss and a good time over dinner. That's all what he may be thinking. He';s not rejecting you or thinking less of you. The door is open for him to call you again or for you to call him again outside of work and talk about getting back together some other time. We don't lknow if he'll call yet. In your place I'd act like before, friendly and such. If he doesn't say anything to you about the dinner then you can mention that you had a good time and leave it as that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:58am

I guess what's bothering me is that I feel that if it was a date he should have contacted me afterwards to say he had a good time. (Or at least answered me when I contacted him.) Isn't that the way it goes?

The dinner was his suggestion. He asked me on Friday night, sort of last minute. To ask me, he had to go to the trouble of finding my home phone number in the book because I had never given it to him. (He had stopped by my office to say "hi" on Friday afternoon, but I'd been surrounded by people, so he waited to phone me.)

We had never been out to dinner before, but we had had lunch a few times --always at his suggestion, or else he'd run into me and a friend having lunch, he'd join us and the friend might leave to go back to work and we'd stay talking a little. Plus we've met and talked a lot when we've had work projects in common or when we ran into each other.

Before he'd asked me out to dinner, he and I had agreed to meet for lunch on Oct. 30 (next Monday) to discuss something connected to work. The lunch was his idea, but the whole contact was initiated by me. I'd asked him for advice on a project I'm working on that he has more experience with.

On Sunday, after our date, I e-mailed to ask what time he wanted to meet on the 30th. I did this on Sunday so I could tell him I'd had a good time the night before. It seemed courteous. I also gave him my direct office phone number (which he'd asked for) and my cell phone number (which he hadn't asked for).

My problem is he hasn't replied.

It makes me feel I made a mistake, if not in what I "read" from him, then in what I conveyed to him. I am not trying to chase him or pin him down. I didn't think this was the start of a great romance, I am not looking for a "relationship" except in the sense that all friendships are relationships. I thought that our friendship had moved to a new stage, but that was all.

I do need a time for our lunch on Monday (I needed to work it around other appointments) and since he hasn't replied and I have to make other plans for Monday, I am thinking I will e-mail him to say that we'll have to skip lunch Monday and he can contact me when he's free.

I just wish I didn't feel that I made a mistake that I don't know of.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 6:49pm

Hey there,

I know it's a common thing to do (I do it myself, even though I know better), but you really shouldn't be second-guessing yourself because it doesn't do any good. Let it go. I'm sure it was nothing you did or didn't do, and if it was, then all that means is that this guy's not a match for you.

You never know--he could just be regrouping a bit and he'll be in touch in the next day or two. Or he may just have had a change of heart about taking your friendship to a different level.

If you don't hear from him, then yes, it will be a bit awkward when you see each other again, but I would just act as normal around him as you are able to.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:16pm

Hi Sheri!

Well, you're going to love the sequel to this.

I really needed a time on Monday. I couldn't just leave the whole three hours, from 11 to 2 PM free in case he got back to me. (Plus, I admit it, the "not knowing what is going on" was getting me crazy.) So I e-mailed him saying that I figured he hadn't answered because he was as busy as I was, and why didn't we move the meeting to some other time (unspecified).

Within an hour I got two messages from him. Message number one was a short, chatty, "How has your week been?" message telling me about a project he's been working on and a co-worker of his that I am slightly acquainted with. He finishes with, "I look forward to our lunch on Monday at noon." Message number two was a response to my "I figure you're too busy" message claiming he had not received my original message, e-mail is just crazy these days, isn't it, and he would still like to meet on Monday if I am free.

Now, maybe it's true and he missed my original message. E-mail does sometimes fail. But his first message (the chatty one) is time-stamped 9 minutes after my message saying "let's forget it." So he could also have written it quickly when he realized he was at fault for not replying to my earlier message. And it's unusual that he is giving a specific time for the lunch. He usually doesn't-- that's why we hadn't settled on a time before.

So, two possibilities: EITHER he is telling the truth, in which case I was over-hasty, neurotic and foolish to read "rejection" into what was a simple computer glitch OR he goofed and, for whatever reason, didn't answer me when he should have and now he is covering up. Either way, I find the whole thing funny. What an idiot I am to get into such anxiety over not getting an answer to an e-mail!

Of course, this goes down into my list of "things to watch" about this guy. And I am not rushing to reply to his messages. (Hey, my e-mail may be faulty also--he has my phone number!) But it is such a relief that he is "still interested"! And I probably didn't do anything "wrong."

Sorry to be so silly folks. But this was my first date since my divorce with a person I met in real life (as opposed to online dating, which I did not find very satisfying so I quit). I want so much for it to work out!

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:38pm
Hi Elsa. I read your posts and thought I would respond. You sound so concerned about having goofed or made a mistake in judgement. To me, it seems clear that the person who should be getting a little judgement is this guy. The two of you shared a great dinner and evening along with a kiss and I dont really see a great reason for him to not be in touch at all up until now. I know it is wednesday night but still he had Sunday, Monday Tuesday and most of Wed to write you a short note saying how much he enjoyed dinner and how he wanted to see you again in that capacity soon. I wish we women ( and believe me I am in the bunch) didnt give so many excuses for what is in my opinion just a lack of good manners and consideration. I think you did NOTHING wrong and had every reason to wonder why in the world you hadnt heard from him. I refuse to accept that dating that leads to true respect and love starts as a game. Just as something we should all think about -
what if this had been a woman you had dinner with? Someone you had never done that before with - in terms of just the two of you out for an evening. Would you feel a little put out that she didnt contact you all week? I think I would and especially if they didnt return an email as well. These are not niceties we are talking about. They are common sense and common courtesy when you like and respect someone as well as their time. If I were you and he brings it up I would in a very calm down to earth way tell him that his lack of communication did disappoint you. It doesnt quite add up but then again not everything always does. I would just hate for you to allow him to set this pattern in place where only the least amount of effort is needed to maintain contact.
Good luck in all of this and keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:42pm

Elsa, he hasn't replied and you can't control that. Only he holds the answer and apparently he's not willing to give it to you, so don't dwell on it. Feeling bothered by his lack of reply will only affect you and make you angry and insecured.

Since you two had planned to meet on Monday for a business lunch, but he hasn't replied to your message, in your place I'd go ahead and make the necessary plans that you need. It's work related and you can't stop because he hasn't confirmed your meeting.

I woulndn't e-mail him again saying that you have to change plans and that the Monday meeting is off. He knows that already and he needs to be professional about it and reply to you OR show up to your empty office.

You didn't do anything wrong. It appears that it was a date, as he took time to get your home phone number and the dinner wasn't work related. He may have felt that he didn't want to pursue more it or else. Who knows?

You seem to be trying to turn the tables and now you say that you weren't looking for a great romance, but certainly you liked him enough to go out with him outside of work. You invited him to your place and you pecked him. Friends don't peck on the lips you know. It's fine if you thought that he was good dating material.

Sometimes, people at work are not what we expect them to be. There is a face for the work place and a face for the date place. I'd suggest to look somwhere for romance. The work place is such a small world even if the offices occupy large spaces or different buildings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:29pm

Hi, I know he's already responded and such, but I wanted to

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:01pm

Hi Christine,

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, but I was out of town and computer access was limited. I do agree with you. If he was still interested, he should have contacted me. On the other hand, this is an evolving relationship. Maybe he thought I was just a friend and that a little peck on the lips doesn't really make it a romantic relationship.

If I go out to dinner with a female friend, I don't necessarily expect to hear from her the next day. The only thing I would expect is if I have someone over to my house, they should call or write to thank me the next day. But if we go out to dinner together like two friends, a few days' without contact wouldn't bother me. It's only because this was a date (I think) and I guess what worried me was that I had misunderstood.

As for talking about it with him, I don't think there's much chance. I saw him today and it was like we had not been on that date. We had a good time talking, like we always do, but he didn't say anything about another date or about finding me attractive or anything like that.

I may ask him out for this weekend, but I hate doing it when I am not sure how he feels. I don't want to be missing some "I'm only interested in friendship" cue and spoil the friendship, if you know what I mean.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:14pm

Hi lightandbright,

I didn't see your msg until now because I was out of town. You will have seen that he did finally get in touch with me and claimed he hadn't gotten my e-mail. In any case, we had lunch today.

The "business" lunch was just an excuse to get together, really. I could get most of the information he had to give me from someone else and/or figure a lot of it out myself. So his insisting that we should meet suggested that he wanted to see me again.

What I mean about not thinking it was a great romance is that I just went out with someone I found attractive, not someone I had a crush on. It was okay with me if it was "just friends" because he is a friend, a person I enjoy spending time with. It was really nice when he hugged me goodnight (in my field of work we DO hug each other a lot--as friends, so he's actually hugged me before--after not seeing me for a long time, or when he heard I'd been promoted-- and I've hugged him and other male or female colleagues). The peck on the lips suggested something more than just workplace friends. What made no sense was, if he was not interested, why the peck on the lips? Isn't it a way of ending the evening saying "I like you" in a special way?

Anyway, this part of it is over. We had lunch and everything seems back the way it was before we had that date. I'm wondering if I should make another move (ask _him_ out) or just wait and see if he asks me out again.

As for workplace dating, it's not that I am looking for dates at work, but when you spend more than 40 hours in an environment and most of your friends do also, then it is probably going to happen, just as when you're in college a lot of your dates are going to be students.

I tried online dating and it was really not very promising. And at my age, there aren't a lot of other ways of meeting men.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:22pm

Yes, it had only been three days, but (a) I was going out of town and he knew it and (b) most of us live in a world where we expect e-mail replies within 24 hours. So his delay was odd. At least one other person here beside me read the delay as "rude."

I doubt I'll be e-mailing him "just forget it" msgs again, but I understand your point. Patience is a virtue I often lack.