ready for marriage & on a rebound 3 yrs
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:53pm |
I am new to this message board. I have been reading your posts but have posted only once and I wanted to get some opinions and ideas. I seem to be really really stuck and it has been a while now.
I want a steady happy healthy relationship. Who doesn't, right? I feel ready for marriage (26) but seem to have been on a constant rebound for the past 7 years. I was in a very serious relationship started when i was 19, went on for 4 years, but did not work out, and then had 3 relationships each starting almost immediately at the end of the the previous one. I though I was in love first, next I thought I have met the love of my life, and now, I don't know...
I am so confused and so exhausted. I analyze constantly and can't seem to get my thoughts together. What's wrong with me....I am currently in a relationship (10 months) with a man who says he loves at least once every day and shows it in many ways. On the other hand, he seems not to be ready for a very serious committment. A lot of his qualities are amazing, but small things irritate me and we fight often because of that.
I don't want to break it off, but I also want to end this ongoing torture that i seem to have gotten myself in. Maybe I am dating people who won't commit to me and love me the way I want to be loved because of a family trauma in my childhood. I seem to want to stay in flaky relationships. But that in its own makes me feel worse and only reinforces the bad feelings and doubts.
in doubts constantly

When was the last time you had a back rub? Pianoguy would offer to provide one for you, but the distance in our locations is much too great! It's definitely clear all the analyzing (combined with a lot of tension) has gotten to you! If there's somebody in your household with great fingers (like Pianoguys)...offer to bake him (or her) something in exchange for a 30-minute rub down! I'M SERIOUS!!!!
Having said this...would you please answer a question for me?
Where is it written that after you date a man for 10 months...you're entitled to a proposal, an engagement ring, or anything related to marriage? Wouldn't you prefer that the love that seems to be 'growing' between you both EXPAND a bit more? If the gentleman you're currently seeing isn't afraid to spoil you...and use the "I LOVE YOU" phrase everyday...you're certainly in a better (and happier) place than some of the other ivillage ladies who visit this board!
I'm going to be blunt with you, d willis...your "continuous analyzation" is what's killing these men off! If you're trying to read and analyze their various behaviors, or find some sort of rationale for everything a man may do for you...YOU'RE PROBABLY SCARING THE (U KNOW WHAT) OUT OF US!
If your relationships truly seem 'flaky' to you, it's probably because the men you've chosen to date...DON'T want to play the "I Want A Commitment From You NOW" game! Some of us need longer than a few months or a few years to decide if you're the woman we want to spend the rest of our life with!
Assuming you've read this far...and don't want to kick in your computer screen because you aren't close enough to kick me...you MIGHT want to regroup and rethink things a little bit??? If your male choices haven't come close to your expectations....do you think a few of those expectations are unrealistic? If men don't respond the way you expect them to...does that make ALL of us LOSERS?
There's no profile on you, but perhaps you could ask yourself one question:
"What are the men I've chosen to date getting 'in exchange' for all the attention they're giving me?"
Pianoguy
nice nick by the way :)
First, thank you very much for the honest answer. I am far from kicking the computer screen or you by the way. It's more along the lines of kicking my self for not being able to get my (you know what) together. You guys are not all losers, not at all. And the last thing i want is to scare someone away, which apparently i have done. Actually one of the guys i mentioned, came back after we broke up with a proposal. But that is aside from ths topic.
I need and want to find a way to CALM down!!!! And the things about the massage, you have no idea how correct you are. I can't remember tha last time i took vacation or was in an ok living situation, talking about practical issues here. And I think those have gotten the best of me. It has been a long time, and I am exhausted, so it's inevitable to affect my relationship. I also realize, I have a great guy next to me, and I don't want all the difficulties i've had and my paranoia to drive him away.
As for the cooking, i love doing it for him and in general. Anyone up for flan?
d_willis
Thank you for your very nice words and thoughts, Pianoguy almost didn't send his original response out, but after toning it down (a tad)...decided to anyway.
You definitely made me SMILE this afternoon....and by the way...what time will the flan be ready? :)
Pianoguy
I have been thinking and a lot of what you said makes sense and many of my friends would advise me similarly. But some things I am still confused about, or rather confused about how to act...
While it is not written anywhere that anyone HAS to propose within 10 months, I am not talking here about "having" to do it. I am more thinking along the lines, that i want to be with a man that believes that I am the best thing that happened to him and feels lucky and has no problem making a committment. Because if he can't, he either has committment issues, or can't make a committment to ME, which automatically makes him wrong for a relationship together.
My relationships... well I don't think they are very flaky, but as I said earlier i want to be with someone who wants to be with me without hesitation. Even if that means, not being with anyone, I guess that is harsh and difficult to think about... There is a saying - you are better off alone then with bad company.. I agree!
It is not about guys being losers, i don't think that, it is about knowing what I want and not settling for less. And i think I have made a lot of compromises in this relationship to show that I am willing to go through the trouble. And actually both of us have gone through a LOT of trouble and stayed together. I guess that in itself says a lot!!!! a lot about our committment to each other.
But how do I know if "it is not right"? I sometimes wonder if the paranoia is my instinct screaming at me that it is not right. Generally I have a tendency to worry a lot, so that is why I try to ignore the fact that I am so paranoid with my bf, but what if it is some sort of a sign that it is not right.
We had a conversation about whether we think we are meant for each other, and his response was along the lines that he doesn't know, otherwise he would be running to get a ring right now. Later that day, as i told him that he should have a rough idea by now, even if he is not 100%, he said, that he does, and it is obvious and it is "yes".
So i don't know what to think. Maybe some people need time, and he is one of them, or maybe his supposed "uncertainty" means that he is not that sure, which in turn means that he can't be that much in love, which in turn means, he is not right for me... if you forgot i want to be with a man who does not hesitate for a moment he wants to be with me.
wondering.....
Pianoguy is convinced that any and all relationships (serious or casual) are A CRAP SHOOT!
You've got to consider the probability of success...but also...the possibility of failure!
I still think you're trying to push the envelope too fast. 10 months ISN'T enough time for many men to arrive at a decision about a lifetime commitment. So the fastest way to destroy a good friendship is for a woman to offer an 'ultimatum' too soon.
Now I'm not suggesting that you (like several unfortunate ivillage ladies who have posted here) should hang around for 5-10 years waiting for a proposal. But marriage isn't an issue of just what YOU want...it's a mutually agreeable decision between 2 people who are willing to share a life together. Just because YOU may have high desires for marriage doesn't necessarily mean your b/f does!
Here's the reality...
Most women are 'programmed' with the idea of starting a family. They get ideas from parents and other relatives, what they see in magazines, in stores, on television, etc. But many men aren't interested (aka THEY DON'T WANT) the responsibility until they're completely comfortable with the idea.
If you feel that you're making too many compromises with the hope of convincing your b/f that you are the only woman who should be permanently in his life...STOP AND RETHINK! Nobody is holding a gun to your head forcing you to marry ANYBODY. And getting ultra-paranoid about whether your b/f IS 'Mr. Right' or not...will only turn you into a complete "basket case" the moment you say I DO!
Pianoguy
that said it much better :)
yeah, i have fears that come from the past which are not related to this guy.
I had my heart actually shattered to pieces by the first guy (after other relationships)
I thought "wow, i only want him, forever". He was everything I had ever wanted. I felt that way not because of how he treated me, but for who he was/is. And i thought, that is real, that is love. But in this whole perfect picture, there was one flaw - he did not love me that way, not at all. And strung me along twice for a year each time. And i was sitting there, seeing it and being completely helpless and unable to stop it. So, you can see, why i can easily go to the other extreme now. Well, I think I am slowly relaxing.
I appreciate your response.
d_willis