Is this a real break-up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Is this a real break-up?
5
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 8:26pm
Recently my BoyFriend decided that he can only be friends with me. He states he still loves me but cannot trust me, and can only offer friendsship at this point. The reason for his mistrust is he said I broke a promise. We had a large relationship talk, and I told him I would give him two days with his friend that was visiting (a girl). I stopped by his apartment the second night because he sounded not OK on the phone, and I wanted to make sure he was alright because I love him. He sees that as breaking our agreement. He will not take my word that he can trust me, nor do I think he should just take my word for it. He is willing to truely be friends, but he's not sure about anything else at this point. The relationship talk we had, we both decided we wanted to work on things and we both don't want this to end, we were very happy untill she came. I told him that I will not stop trying to prove to him that he can trust me. At this point I told him that I would not call him until he called me. What can I do, to help him see that he really can trust me, and ending it over this is not worth it. We both have said to each other that we believe that the other is the "perfect girl/guy." The girl that was visiting is an old friend from out of state he has barely seen in the 7 years he's known her, but did consider her "the perfect girl" at one point in his life. He told me he no longer feels this way for her, and he is a different person now. In his break-up explaination he said that he was having a hard enough time saying good-bye to her again and the fact he probably would not see her for another 3-4 years. He also stated this had nothing to do with the girl, and made it clear they are just friends. He has always had many female friends, and insits he will not give them up. I have never asked him to give them up, only to tell me about them.Should I just give him time? Should I send him a card/letter? Or should I just trust that if it is meant to be it will be and just be myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 2:32am
Im sorry if Im going to be a bit blunt about it.But I can see you care about him way more than he does about you. What do you mean he didnt want you to call him when his female friend was in town? when you are in love with someone, you miss him every second he/she is not around and would love to talk to them day and night. The least he could do is introduce her to you and go out together, all three of you. Darling, he makes you believe that you are the one not to be trusted! you only did what any normal girl would do in your place!! you're not different, he is! Why would he want to be alone with that girl and without any contact from your side, unless he doesnt want HER to know that he has someone in his life. Let him know that you want to be part of his social life,you're not going to intrude but..as his gf and perfect girl, as he puts it, you deserve to be recognized!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:49am

Hello gwendlynith!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:50am
I wouldn't pursue him. For some reason he is trying to turn it around on you. If he considers a dealbreaker to be you going over to his house then I really question his maturity level. Sure, if he were pissed I would understand. But to breakup the relationship? Nah. This guy sounds like he wants things his way and only his way.

I don't know what to think about needing all this alone time with the girl. It sounds a bit fishy to me. The only guy I know who ever did that is a good friend of mine and he would drop off the face of the earth for a few days when his love would travel to our town. Your ex could have introduced you two--so it's just not sitting right with me.

But I would not pursue him. He broke up with you, don't go running after him. I would see if he comes to you. If he doesn't, then good riddens. If he does, I think a serious discussion needs to be had regarding what "dealbreakers" are as well as the level of expectations going on. Neither of you are perfect and if you try to live into that, you're going to forget that you are human and you make mistakes!

Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

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edit made for grammatical error!


Edited 5/23/2004 10:05 am ET ET by bklynchik

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 11:46am
"Darling, he makes you believe that you are the one not to be trusted!"

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 1:39pm
Thank you all for your replies. My boyfriend and I were very happy until the girl started calling more and I questioned things about her. Then he told me she was coming to visit and he wanting me to be OK about it. He was trying to find alternative situations for her to stay other then his apartment. He even suggested to have her stay at mine, but I was not comfortable with a stranger at my place. He did have us meet and we all hung out on a couple ocations. We went to the zoo one day, spend time all together, then that evening we ended up having the relationship talk. He had mentioned she felt like the third wheel, and he does not like PDA's. I had already know his dislike for that, although holding hands and a small peck here and there is not overly uncomfortable for the "third wheel" unless they are already uncomfortable about the siutation. When he broke the news to me 4 days ago, I asked if he would call me at least on Sunday, today, and maybe we could hand out and talk. He said he would call me today, maybe sooner. He hasn't called yet. Before we left the Break-up site, we hugged and he held me tight, and did keep saying he loves me. I found out from a mutual friend that he doesn't trust himslef right now. That he's not sure if he did the right thing breaking up with me, but he's not sure if being with me is right either. So now I am waiting in limbo land for his wishy washy self to figure things out.