A realization and some more questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
A realization and some more questions
13
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:25pm
I have finally realized that I have a rescuer type of personality and I always want to try to "rescue" people out of their situations. I want people to be happy and I try to help people out as much as I can. I guess that is not always the best thing to do. I just wish that I could learn to take care of myself as much as I worry about other people

My boyfriend and I have been doing ok. Our dating is going strong, and he really does care about me. Just this weekend, he came up to see me and he hung out with me even though I spent most of the weekend working on a school project. He encourages me to do well in school and he watches out for my well-being. Things are very well with us. He was real sweet to me for Valentine's Day and things have been going strong. I see him most weekends and usually one day during the week. He is such a sweet and loving guy. I wish I could do more for him. I dont know.

When this weekend was over, one of his friends took him home since I was busy trying to finish stuff for school. On Monday night, I called him to see how he was doing. He told me that he was doing fine but that his parents were mad at him about something. His parents had been gone for about a month and they came home this weekend. He told me that when he got home, he found that his mom had taken the TV set and DVD player out of his room and appropriated it and threw some of the stuff that he had on the kitchen table, in his room. I dont understand how his parents can just waltz in his room and take stuff out of it, stuff that is HIS. He says he is mad at his parents but he picks his battles. I can tell you that if my parents did that to my brother (my brother lives at home but he works full time and he makes good money; he lives at home because he is saving up for a house and my parents dont want the empty nest syndrome), my brother would raise hell with them. My brother raises hell with them even if they just move stuff in his room.

To top that off, while I was on the phone with him, his mom starts screaming at him about stuff and getting on his case. For God's sake, he is 31 years old, dont treat him like he is a little kid. That is cruel and mean. Yeah, my parents treat me like a kid when I come home, but even they dont yell and scream at me while I am on the phone. Finally, he tells me that he has to go since he cant stand his mom yelling at him. He tells me he will talk to me tomorrow since he is going to go over to a friend's house and avoid his mom for a bit while she is in this mood. I then told him that I wished I lived down by him so I could be there for him and he could come over to my place and hang out, if things got bad with his parents. No, I dont like the way his parents treat him. I think they are very cruel to him.

Later on, I was able to talk to him briefly online. I told him that I wanted to help him out and to be there for him. I told him that I felt bad for him about the way his parents treated him and all that. He tells me that it isnt something I can help him with but that he just needs to have his parents cool off. I just dont understand how he can live at home if his parents are being that bitchy to him, and they are. I have seen his mom get mad at him about stuff. They nag at him and basically treat him like a kid. That I dont like. I told him that I was willing to help him out and that I could move down there and, if he wanted, he could move in with me and I would support him for a bit until he could get on his feet again. His parents are destroying his self-esteem. He works at a place where his boss constantly gets on his case. I really want him to do well and sometimes, I think, if I give him a place where he can actually feel wanted and also free to do what he wants, he can regain his self-esteem and learn to live on his own. I dont know anymore. He didnt want to talk long since he had to go, but he didnt even acknowledge what I brought up about me helping him out. That made me angry and I stewed about that all night long and most of the morning at work.

I was very angry at that. I feel like I can see what is destroying his life and his self-esteem. I know he wants to be an artist so much. I wish I could help him with contacts and all of that, but that is not my specialty. I want so much for him to succeed and I would help him out. This morning, I stewed around for a bit, then I called him at work. He was happy to hear from me, then I went off on him about how bad I felt about how his parents treat him, but that he doesnt seem like he wants my help. I told him that I worry about him and I want the best for him. I finally found out why his parents got on his case. They want MONEY from him for living at home. Now that is cruel. They know how little he makes and how much he struggles, and they want to wrangle that out of him. That is cruel. Chicago is not a cheap city to live in and the fact that they want to take his paycheck so he doesnt even have money to go and have fun (so he can forget about his stupid job, and get away from that environment), that is cruel. My parents have always encouraged me to move home, and if I were to ever do that, they would never demand that I pay them for the priviledge of living at home. I would help my parents out like take my mom out to eat, buy groceries, etc. but to pay rent or to want to take the entire paycheck, that is cruel and mean. I kind of got off on him about that. I told him that if he wanted, he could come and live with me RENT FREE for a while until he got hismself situated. That is how much I love and care for him. He tells me that he doesnt want to depend on me because of pride and because he is afraid. I told him I want to help him get on his feet and succeed by giving him a conducive and supportive environment for him to be able to discover himself, something that his parents nor his job is giving him. I am caring and always will be. Yeah, he knows I am mad at him. No, I didnt talk to him for too long. I dont know what I will do. I care so much for him, it just burns my heart and makes me grieve to see how little nurturing he gets since I think he can do well, if he had the right impetus and nurturing.

As for his parents wanting to take his paycheck and collecting rent, that really burned my ass. He moved home because he couldnt afford to live on his own and after his gf dumped him. He doesnt make that much, they know that, even I know that. That is why I try to help him out when I can. After finding that out, I decided to see if that was just an American thing, since Asian parents DONT DO THAT. I asked my best friend's mom and she (who is white), she told me that it is mainly a midwestern low or lower middle class thing, and that most upper middle class and upper class people dont do that to their kids. She, as a mother, never did that to her two kids. They paid for their education, help them with down payments for houses, condos, etc. Most of the people I work with, who are college-educated, they help their kids out and when the kids do get down and out, they let them move home.

I guess I really dont understand people at all.

I just want the best for my bf and I dont think that he is getting the nurturing that he needs to succeed. It is only so much a soul can take before the soul thinks itself bad. He gets it at home and at work. No wonder he is the way he is. I just want to help him out and give him the support he needs to succeed. I want him to succeed. That is how much I care about him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:38pm
First off, I said your BEHAVIORS are like those of a wolf in sheep's clothing, not that you have evil intent to destroy him. But just because one does not intend to cause harm, it often happens anyway when you set processes in motion that cannot do anything but harm. The meaning of the wolf in sheep's clothing analogy is that what you offer is disguised as beneficial to him when the reality of what you offer would be harmful.

Secondly, you've just explained to yourself why he receives all that negative attention, why his ex dumped him, and why he suffers so much. He dresses unprofessionally, acts out like a kid, exhibits no ambition, speaks inappropriately, etc. These are his CHOICES and he chooses to bear the disrespect rather than conform to societal expectations, or work hard to improve his life. He made the choice to cling to his inertia even though it meant losing his last GF. She spent seven years trying to get him to change and she lost the battle. She lost because it was never hers to fight or win, she never had the power to do so and neither do you. You will lose the same battle trying to help him reach his potential, which is only another way of saying you want him to be different from what he is right now. You are indeed trying to change him, by giving him advice (the very nature of advice is to urge a CHANGE), and couching it in phrases like "reaching potential" is wearing that sheep's clothing.

As for your question, "I have noticed that since I have started to date him, my ambition has dropped and I am having trouble with school. I want to know if sometimes dating someone who is so negative and somewhat unambitious, can that have an affect on your own ambitions and life goals?"

I once dated an unambitious, lazy man, and it did not change my ambitious goal-oriented nature one iota. I think it is more likely that the amount of time, effort, thought and emotion you are expending on "helping him" is distracting and impeding you from doing what you need to do for yourself. You only have so much time and energy you can expend in a day, and wasting any of that energy on a fruitless endeavor has resulted in your lowered personal success. I think you should stop trying to help him at all, date him if you want, but use your time/energy/thought in projects and goals which can can truly make a difference - he's not one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 3:42pm
If you want to help him so much then help him find a good therapist and see if he goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:15am
You're a codependent martyr.

Look, what the guy wants in his life - is what he's got. He wants "easy street" - he can't afford to live on his own because he wants to be an artist, so he works a part-time retail job and lives at home at 31.

Meaning, when you live with osmeone you live by their rules. So his parents easily might NOT be so codependently dysfunctional that they want a child living at home while under the "guise" of doing something positive (buying a house)....so they are going to take away the DVD and TV because all he does is watch it.....they want him to work at a job, pay bills - and if he wants to pursue being an artist - pursue it on his own time and dime.

You're now wanting to be his parent...while you're over here wanting to do it - realize what you're saying ot him is "live rent free, conduct yourself as you do now, which is anyway you want - and you can pursue your dreams at my expense."

Guess what - he's going to shw up at your place and you're going to have "rules" - and he's not going to like it. What you perceive is going on...is NOT, I guarantee it. When you come home after 3-4 months night after night, and see him sitting there watching TV, having nothing to contribute except an occasional backrub, when he announces that he decided his part-time job was too destructive ot his artistic potential - you're likely to come unglued.

Because you've fallen for his potential - as YOU see it...and he's going to be living with and off you at your expense in reality.

If you want a relationship like this....realize that he'll do to you what he's doing to his parents, at least their actions indicate that they perceive him to be lazy, immature, irresponsible, and unrealistic - so they want hiim to "grow up".

That is parents that want their child to have self-esteem...parents that tolerate you being a lazy, irresponsible, immature, unrealistic "adult" while living at home don't love you - they hate you enough to enable you to believe that this is all that you're capable of achieving and having...so that they can belittle you permanently.

But, your'e so dead set on getting in this....really, justgo over to his parents house, pack up his stuff, move him in..and make sure to show him how to use the remote control....go to work, go to school, pay the bills, see him every night at home, and then see how you "feel" about this entire scenario.

You're allowing your 'feelings' to dictate your actions...at some point you won't "feel" so righetously angry for him at them, and you'll "feel" negatively about yourself for letting him "use you" - which he won't have done. It's just that you want someone so bad - you're willing to rent a partner...which is precisely what you're proposing to do.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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