Realized I'm carrying the conversations

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Realized I'm carrying the conversations
11
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 12:11pm
I've been dating this guy for a short while now. I've known him about 4.5 months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 12:21pm
Hi imwonderingnow,
I had the same issue with my last relationship. We lasted 2 months, and I ended up realizing I was the one carrying on with the conversations, talking about my day, and so on. He never came up with anything. His personality depended on me, and honestly, it was exhausting. He was always laughing at my jokes, etc.. but he would never "reciprocate". It was always a one-way conversation. In the end I was bored, exhausted, and I noticed I hardly knew this guy, since he never said much about nothing. I had a talk with him, and you could tell he was trying to improve or change, but even with that effort he was not much of a talker and if I didn't start any conversations, I think we would end up in an endless uncomfortable silence.
I would say give him a chance, talk to him, but keep in mind this is his personality and you can't change someone to your liking. I know now I need someone more dynamic, someone who opens up more, and someone who knows how to carry a two-way, normal conversation. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 1:12pm

Hi Me_sweet79,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 6:57pm
Either he is shy or lazy or is not used to expressing opinions...or...like you said, he sits back and wants to be entertained or just gather info about you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 11:20am

You're right, I just need to stay quiet instead of compensate for his lack of talking despite how difficult those silences are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 4:31pm

"We ended up having a pretty good interesting conversation that HE brought up! I finally felt like I wasn't the entertainer, but in a real relationship. What

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 1:22pm

you said he's interesting once he gets going... so there is personality there.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 12:31pm

I broke it off with him last night. Everything had been going well since last time I posted, but he started with the silence and dry questioning again. While I agree that qustions are good, his were so dry as if he's forcing himself to come up with things to say and ask. I know you suggested I ask him questions but I do that and he doesn't give me much meat there. The best conversations are the ones that flow back and forth and neither have to ask many questions. And I just can't get that out of this guy regularly.

Last night we had a bit of a misunderstanding and he completely shut down. Now there's where I draw the line. I WONT be with a guy who shuts down like that. I should have known he'd be someone to do that. He had the nerve to say 'I'm quiet until I get to know the other person'. He was referring to my stance on the misunderstanding. What if I were doing that too? Then we wouldn't solve anything. That puts it all on me again. I directly told him I'm not sharing any of my perspective unless he is sharing, too. After a long silence when it was his turn to talk, I told him I would be getting off the phone the convo was going no where. I said it looks like we have different ideas about how to communicate. He would just sit there and say, "uh, huh. Uh, huh." and he wasn't being a smart a$$. His brain was really just empty. It was quite WEIRD. It didn't occur to him that it was his turn to talk.

He just gets in these weird moods. I think he is not happy overall or something..he's not very relaxed and comfortable with himself. I want to be in a relationship with a happy person! Life is too short to cater to someone like that. This reminds me, years ago my sister stayed in a relationship with a guy who was depressed like this and it dragged her down. (He refused to get help for himself). I think this guy has the same problem. In order to develop a healthy relationship he's going to have to first work on himself. I don't want to get flamed here for my comments about depression. I am specifically speaking from my sister's experience. I don't have a close enough bond or interest (he rarely tried to put anything out there for me to be interested in) in this guy to stick along for that ride.

thanks for listening to my vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 4:02pm
Sorry to hear the bad news.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 4:10pm
Absolutely you can't change someone's basic nature but you did say that once he got going he could be a good conversationalist.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 4:15pm
Yeah I just recently pieced it together myself, and realized he is a depressed person.
Now that you mention erectile dysfunction, wow, I may be dodging a whole array of issues with this guy by leaving now.
thanks.

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