really loves me? need advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
really loves me? need advice please!
1
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:03pm
Hi everyone, I have posted on this board before and got really great advice- Thank you.
For several months i have been talking to this guy who works in a cafe, and we recently started going out-almost a month. I really, really like him & enjoy being with him. because of our busy schedules, we mainly see each other on the weekends. here is the first problem for me: i am a bit scared by how much interest he shows in me. he is a great guy, treats me nice, calls me daily, asks if i need anything and he'll pick it up for me-very complimentary-tells me i'm nice, beautiful and he has even told me he loves me. I feel he is being sincere-but loves me already??? Can this actually be felt so soon? i told him we havent even been on too many dates and "already you love me?"- he tells me he knows his feelings and whatever comes naturally to him he just tells me. he is very open with me-talks about everything-and i mean everything! Even sex... nothing raunchy, but that he has those feelings towards me also...and wants to with me- i told him to slow down, not to rush anything- he apologized and said these are normal feelings he has and wants to let me know. Also, on our first date we went out to eat, but ever since then he wants me to come in his apartment- (i know this is a warning sign). i go because i feel i can control the situation. , and won't let it go far- and he has been respectful to me. When we kiss it's like he never wants to stop. i tell him to go slow. he listens to me, but everytime i see him, if he starts i have to tell him again. We did fool around though. He told me he would like to stay in the apartment but whatever i want to do he will do, whether staying in or going out- and said as long as he is with me he is happy. i am scared about how strong his feelings are so quickly-regarding everything-his attraction to me, he wants to kiss me all the time, touch me...etc and when he asks why i tell him because i don't want to get hurt of course- he says he won't hurt me, and that he feels like he finally found someone that he wants to be around all the time. He even wants me to come every day and visit him at his job. When i go there, he comes and walks with me for a few minutes. i am scared of my own feelings also-because i am starting to really get attached to him- i can feel it. is this normal? We clicked instantly on our first date- like we knew each other forever-it seems amazing-but real. we get along so well-he talks about everything to me- I can ask him anything. He even talks about family and that he wants to get married in the future. he even wants me to spend the whole weekend with him. This is all within 1 month- the other problem is that i am catholic, and he is jewish. I am more religious than he, but his religion still is important to him. i am still at home- (i am 25) and my mom is very strict regarding religous differences- I asked if he would ever want to be catholic and he told me straight out- no- that he will never change his religion, and doesn't want me to change for him either. He said my belief in God is enough for him. i feel i could get more serious with him- and i am afraid down the road there will be many problems. i am starting to love him, and he treats me like gold. I really enjoy being with him- he makes my heart feel so light. i am truly happy and he has told me he is happy with me. Sorry this is so long- but i thought i should explain the situation well- any advice on this would be appreciated. thank you so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 1:12am

Hi angels778, perhaps it was meant to be that I respond to you for reasons you will soon find out.

For starters, I'd like to share my feelings on advice and an explanation on statistical averages. Most advice is given on the basis of statistical averages of potential outcomes. In plain english, it means that things are likely to happen based on observed results. For instance, most of us can agree that flying in a plane today is relatively safe. With the thousands of people flying many miles each year, the likelihood of death is very low. On the other hand, to gamble by buying a lottery ticket to win big is considerably less lucky. Most people tend to play it safe and therefore have rules or give advice that is generally safe.

What does that have to do with relationship advice? Plenty. Things like red flags/warning signs, rules of no sex until 3 or more dates, not marrying until at least a year are somewhat based on being safe and not getting hurt or fail. Most of the time, it is very good advice.

Ask a successful businees entrepreneur like Donald Trump and he would advise taking risks in the business world to be successful. Same goes with many that succeeded at becoming a famous musician, rock star, actor/actress, etc.

So why do I share this? First of all, you are a very young 25 yr old with years of life experiences ahead of you.

Much of what you have stated so far show that things have progressed at a fast pace such that even you said for him to slow down. Yet, at the same time you ask for advice because you have seen so many good things happen from the very beginning. That scares you because you are uncomfortable and perhaps others have shared reasons why it is risky to fall in love at such a fast pace.

So, can people fall in love very quickly? Absolutely. Can they succeed in marriage and stay together long term? Again, yes. However.......the likelihood of that is low. Therefore, it is with great risk to continue on that path.

But life is not without risks. We make choices to reduce chances of failure, but also balance it with not missing out on opportunities. Much of what you say of him actually has pretty good responses, at least from my perpsective. He is persistent in wanting to kiss you, yet he respects your wishes. You share that you willingly took the risk to visit his apt as you felt safe enough to be in control. Not sure how you felt that unlees you knew martial arts, but nevertheles it has worked out so far. Had you been my sister, I would have been worried but I'm glad you are safe. I'm sure a lot of these women would share to not do that as there are many unsafe men out there that would do harm. The bit about family and marriage is quite soon considering only one month. While I have been there with a past love many years ago, I was careful to not scare her away and share too much too early. What I can suggest is to ask him "why he feels rushed" in these feelings. He needs to understand it within himself. Just simply "knowing himself" is not enough. Be hard pressed for specifics. It will make him really think about it and perhaps slow him down to reality.

Finally, the part I really wanted to share...religion. Some years ago, a good catholic friend of mine fell in love with a jewish woman. I attended their wedding and it was held with "two priests and a rabbi". Sounds like the beginnig of a dirty joke, doesn't it? LOL. Anyway, the first priest was from his church and the second was his then favorite uncle who has since passed away. God rest his soul. The rabbi, of course, was hers. Some six years years later to today and they recently gave birth to their first child.

So, yes it can happen. I like the fact that he responded "he told me straight out- no- that he will never change his religion, and doesn't want me to change for him either. He said my belief in God is enough for him."

That speaks very highly of him. A man that can respect your religious choice, yet fully understand that the belief in God rises above all appears to understand love. I don't wish to profess religion here, but I do want to share that this belief in love supported by a belief in a God, does give me comfort as if you were my kid sister who daringly entered a strange man's apt.

So, what am I saying? Yes, you both should try to slow down being that you are a young 25 yr old. A year or possibly two year delay does not exactly make you an old maid, does it? Both of you should communicate in true words, more than just the "good feeling of passion". There is much to learn about each other. And should this relationship not end up in marriage, I feel there is chance for a good friendship.

I realize there is only but a little of what I know based on what you tried to share. I gave it my best shot both in perpsective of life and wish you luck in making the best of decisions in all of your life's choices. Take care, dear "cyber sister".