""Previously all email from her would start with something like "Hey baby" and end with something like "I love you", etc. Now her communication just opens and ends sort of cold, abrupt and with no emotion at all.""
Please hear and do what Toni and Starbuck have told you....She is not the same as before, she just lost her brother, she will never be the same person. You can't understand what she is going through unless you have been through something like that. By doing some homework on grief you might be able to understand how to help deal with it for her and yourself (if you honestly want to try).
You are still thinking this has to do with you...that is selfish... It doesn't have anything to do with YOU...Stop thinking that.... is the first thing you should do...
Give her the time she needs to process this, it will not happen overnight, it is a long process...In a way you are grieving what you think you have lost before this happened, the grief that she is going through right now is not even in the same ballpark as what you are feeling. She will never have her brother back, she will never talk to him again, she will never get to hug him again, she will never be able to see him again.... but you do have a chance of seeing her, touching her, talking to her.
Hon - her communication is cold, abrupt and without emotion because she is emotionally paralyzed right now - going on remote control and in survival mode. Do you know what survival mode means? It means you do only what is necessary to survive - be it emotionally or physically. It means there is little emotion there.
YOu are still not getting just how dark and lonely and numbing grief is - this is it - there are few if any "hey baby's" or the usual niceties that come when someone is basically emotionally void. Think of what a black hole is - pretty much nothingness - most people retreat to the bare minimum of emotion after the death of a loved one. this is a self-protection mechanism - because by shutting down emotionally is the only way to be able to function at all otherwise those unbearable feelings overwhelm you and you simply curl up like a baby and do nothing. shutting down to what is for the moment too much to handle allows you to continue to function in society to a degree. Life doesn't stop because you are in pain - but the body and brain compensates to allow you to do what is necessary.
She is still in shock - this is what shock does - it shuts down part of the emotional center but not all of it so tht a person can still do what is required to survive. After the immininent trauma has passed, the brain will allow those shut down emotions to start to reactivate a little t a time - again as to not overwhelm the person.
Survival mode has no room for the endearments of dating or even typical friendship and companionship - I'm sorry. This is why you've been advised to have NO EXPECTATIONS here. It seems that you still want and need her to show affection to you when she is emotionally shut down. She CAN'T say Hey baby because she is shut down.
She's told you she'll be in touch - accept that she will - WHEN she is in a frame of mind to do so. Also accept that it will NOT remotely be like it was before. Are you willing to accept that your relationship for all intent and purposes is not necessary to her survival right now? Do you really understand this and what it means?
Have NO expectations whatsoever - do not compare how she is behaving now to how she behaved previously - she is in emotional shutdown and survival - this is an extreme situation therefore, she is not going to behave like she has previously been. Stop wishing for what was - you have to deal with WHAT IS right now - a relationship with you is not a priority.
educate yourself on what you can do for a grieving friend - and find someone you can talk to about your own feelings here. You feel what you feel - but remember that feelings aren't facts or calls to action. You may feel neglected - but feeling neglected and being neglected are not the same things.
She isn't ignoring you or neglecting you - she simply has nothing to give to you right now.
Thank you again everyone and this is exactly what I needed to hear.
Starbuck, it's true I cannot relate to what she's going through nor can many others; therefore, I believe none can be empathic towards her...but we can be sympathetic.
yes, I do understand that this is hard for you and I do know how it feels to be shut out - but also remember, your relationship is still an infant - 2 months is not a lot of time at all.
<< At first I couldn't understand how you are unable to tell someone you love them in an email or want to at least call them, but apparently our relationship wasn't as sound as I'd hoped for and believed, which explains her attitude towards me now.
Okay, I know my opinion is not the popular one here...but I have been in her shoes and was still able to connect with a guy who cared and since he also experienced a loss like that in the same week as me...he was also grieving also during that time and was able to be in a relationship.
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If you believe this, then you will be part of her life in a way that is acceptable for her for now.
Toni
Thank you once again for the much needed advice and candor.
As mentioned earlier, today I finally heard from her and I was so relieved and elated at the same time.
""Previously all email from her would start with something like "Hey baby" and end with something like "I love you", etc. Now her communication just opens and ends sort of cold, abrupt and with no emotion at all.""
Please hear and do what Toni and Starbuck have told you....She is not the same as before, she just lost her brother, she will never be the same person. You can't understand what she is going through unless you have been through something like that. By doing some homework on grief you might be able to understand how to help deal with it for her and yourself (if you honestly want to try).
You are still thinking this has to do with you...that is selfish... It doesn't have anything to do with YOU...Stop thinking that.... is the first thing you should do...
Give her the time she needs to process this, it will not happen overnight, it is a long process...In a way you are grieving what you think you have lost before this happened, the grief that she is going through right now is not even in the same ballpark as what you are feeling. She will never have her brother back, she will never talk to him again, she will never get to hug him again, she will never be able to see him again.... but you do have a chance of seeing her, touching her, talking to her.
Hon - her communication is cold, abrupt and without emotion because she is emotionally paralyzed right now - going on remote control and in survival mode. Do you know what survival mode means? It means you do only what is necessary to survive - be it emotionally or physically. It means there is little emotion there.
YOu are still not getting just how dark and lonely and numbing grief is - this is it - there are few if any "hey baby's" or the usual niceties that come when someone is basically emotionally void. Think of what a black hole is - pretty much nothingness - most people retreat to the bare minimum of emotion after the death of a loved one. this is a self-protection mechanism - because by shutting down emotionally is the only way to be able to function at all otherwise those unbearable feelings overwhelm you and you simply curl up like a baby and do nothing. shutting down to what is for the moment too much to handle allows you to continue to function in society to a degree. Life doesn't stop because you are in pain - but the body and brain compensates to allow you to do what is necessary.
She is still in shock - this is what shock does - it shuts down part of the emotional center but not all of it so tht a person can still do what is required to survive. After the immininent trauma has passed, the brain will allow those shut down emotions to start to reactivate a little t a time - again as to not overwhelm the person.
Survival mode has no room for the endearments of dating or even typical friendship and companionship - I'm sorry. This is why you've been advised to have NO EXPECTATIONS here. It seems that you still want and need her to show affection to you when she is emotionally shut down. She CAN'T say Hey baby because she is shut down.
She's told you she'll be in touch - accept that she will - WHEN she is in a frame of mind to do so. Also accept that it will NOT remotely be like it was before. Are you willing to accept that your relationship for all intent and purposes is not necessary to her survival right now? Do you really understand this and what it means?
Have NO expectations whatsoever - do not compare how she is behaving now to how she behaved previously - she is in emotional shutdown and survival - this is an extreme situation therefore, she is not going to behave like she has previously been. Stop wishing for what was - you have to deal with WHAT IS right now - a relationship with you is not a priority.
educate yourself on what you can do for a grieving friend - and find someone you can talk to about your own feelings here. You feel what you feel - but remember that feelings aren't facts or calls to action. You may feel neglected - but feeling neglected and being neglected are not the same things.
She isn't ignoring you or neglecting you - she simply has nothing to give to you right now.
Toni
Okay...you may not want to hear what I have to say but I'll throw it out there and what you wish to take from it...please do so.
She is choosing to not lean on you right now.
<< That was it, nothing more.
Thank you again everyone and this is exactly what I needed to hear.
Starbuck, it's true I cannot relate to what she's going through nor can many others; therefore, I believe none can be empathic towards her...but we can be sympathetic.
yes, I do understand that this is hard for you and I do know how it feels to be shut out - but also remember, your relationship is still an infant - 2 months is not a lot of time at all.
Toni
<< At first I couldn't understand how you are unable to tell someone you love them in an email or want to at least call them, but apparently our relationship wasn't as sound as I'd hoped for and believed, which explains her attitude towards me now.
Okay, I know my opinion is not the popular one here...but I have been in her shoes and was still able to connect with a guy who cared and since he also experienced a loss like that in the same week as me...he was also grieving also during that time and was able to be in a relationship.
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