rebound discussion
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| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 8:53am |
i'm back again...it's been about 2 months with this guy, and I knew from the beginning I was the potential rebound girl. I am starting to feel like it more and more, but it isn't because of anything he does, if fact he is being more attentive and seeing me more often now than in the beginning.
some of you may remember some of the earlier posts about this guy. we are both in our mid-twenties, and he has a two-year old child. he lives separately from the mother of his child, but close enough so he can spend time with his son. i respect that very much and think it is wonderful that he is such a compassionate father. i also have realized from the first time that i met him that i will never be the #1 person in his life. and despite all this i still wanted to get to know him, and now i am starting to develop feeling for him. the problem is i keep fighting my feelings b/c i am afraid of getting hurt and it seems so obvious that i have put myself in a situation to get hurt. but maybe you all can help me see things clearer and give me some advice on how to approach this conversation with him.
we have talked about everything from family to politics to religion and most everything inbetween. conversations are great, chemistry is great. we've spent the night at each others apartment a few times. we haven't had sex, nor hardly done much more that kissing and cuddling. partly cause i don't want to, but he hasn't tried much and when i say no he is extremely respectful and caring about want i want. the physical ascept of things makes me think he isn't necessarily "using" me as a rebound. and the conversations are wonderful. i have a really hard time opening up and talking about myself. most guys i've been with don't notice or care i suppose. but he has noticed and always tries to get me to talk about myself and how i'm feeling. i take this also to mean that he is genuinely interested in me as a person/potential girlfriend.
but, on the other hand. he talks about the ex quite a bit, mostly how frustrated he is with her/how he can't stant he, etc. which comes up b/c although he doesn't want anything to do with her, they have a child together so he has to see her and talk to her. i haven't told him that it bothers me that he talks about he...only in a few isolated instances i did say something...but as a topic of conversation as a whole i haven't made this clear to him yet. i am afraid i don't know hoiw to approach the topic and be tactful about it. also, as one of my roommates mentioned, he has never asked how i feel about dating a guy with a child. i think it a minded i wouldn't be dating him, but i suppose maybe he should be thinking about me more than he is. he has a lot going on right now, but i don't want to make excuses for him either.
i think if the ex weren't as immature and needy i wouldn't be questioning the devlopment of our relationship. but i am right now and i need to talk to him about it. so, any thoughts from all you daters out there would be greatly appreciated.
is there anyone out there that thinks this relationship could work out and isn't just rebound? it's only two months in, so i don't want to get too serious on the guy...just want to let him know i'm feeling confused and need to know what he's thinking.

I feel that this guy is just venting out his frustrations over his ex gf who is the mother of his child and I feel that he likes it that u don't mind dating a man who has a child but please note that this ex-GF of his is part of the package she will always be in his life due to their child but it sounds like he is frustrated over her and not throwing her in your face for no apparent reason and it sounds like he is mad at her and not in love with her and is very grateful that they are thru and he has moved on to someone better meaning you
When I first started to date my guy he talked about his ex-gf also but out of frustration for she treated him like crap and he was mad over the situation this ended and we have been together ever since so if you want to talk to him and find out where this is heading just be honset with him and go from there
If you feel like you are a rebound, you probably are. But I am not one of those people who believes that a rebound relationship can NEVER work. It really depends on the individuals.
But you know what really worries me about your situation? The fact that your friend talks about his ex to you all the time and badmouths her. Neither of those things are good signs. I have known people that have been divorced for YEARS who still obsess and complain about their exes all the time. It doesn't necessarily mean they want a reconciliation, but it almost always means they have never really let go. They cannot seem to get on with their lives because of the trauma of that past relationship. Such people probably need THERAPY to be able to rid themselves of resentment and any unrealistic thoughts they might have about their exes.
I'm not saying your friend falls into that category, because again, I don't know how long he's been split from his girlfriend. But he needs to be able to move on, no matter what, whether it's with you or by himself.
I think you are very wise to have taken things slowly with this man, to this point. Now, you must evaluate whether you think it's worth continuing. What does your "gut" tell you? You say you have a great relationship with him and you can talk about anything. Maybe you can gently suggest counseling to deal with his feelings and issues?
Other than that it's your decision. Sorry I cannot be of more help..
to answer some of your questions. they have been broken up for about 6 months, but it wasn't working well before that. i am the first person he has seriously dated since. and he was and still is in therapy before he met me and he is planning on continuing for as long as he needs it.
i am not concerned that i am a rebound in the sense that he might get back together with his ex, that won't happen. but just that maybe he isn't emotionally ready to start a new relationship. don't really know if it's my place to say something along those lines to him. can i?
I'm glad he's in therapy. Give it a chance to work for him... don't let him sweep you up into something untimely. Remember, he might not be thinking completely straight right now. So you might have to be cautious for the both of you, right now. See where you are about 5 months down the road.
Good luck.