Rebound Girl Trying 2 Move On!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Rebound Girl Trying 2 Move On!
4
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:21am
Hi Everyone,
I blogged earlier on regarding a man I met online and finally in person months later "Did I Miss Something?” And how once he returned home he called me a couple of times and when later on I'd call him I noticed there was no answer and no response to my emails/ messages. He was recently divorced and there’s still some contact with the ex, be it personal/ financial (home/car). Any ways it's going on two months of him "ghosting" me and disappearing 100% and I KNOW I deserve better. But my birthday is coming up and I have vacation time due to the fact that I was going to be with him. I thought I was good and over all of this or at least seeing things for what they were. As I was undoubtedly cast in the role of "rebound girl". But as my bday approaches (something I’ve ALWAYS been excited about) all thought of him and the hurt he left me with is coming back. Now I feel pretty confident when I say he’s not thinking of me, but why can’t my emotions let me let go. I’m a little mad at myself that I even allowed him in my life. And when I think of him I'm not even mad I'm more HURT. I know a divorce isn't easy and hoenstly I woulndn't be MAD at him if they patched things up or are working thru it. My hurt is more of "how could he have been so "nice" before then so inconsiderate to my feelings in the end. I feel it would have been kind of him to at least email if he didn't want to speak via phone but at least acknowledge that he had a change of heart or something I stress the something lol. But I know some guys rather not be the "bad guy" or just don't deal, no matter I deserved honesty. After reading some great advice blogs here I so wish I turned here when he and I first started talking because I swear things would have been different and my eyes would have been wide open from the begining. I’ve read all kinds of books; does anyone have any personal advice on how they’ve dealt with moving on after being the “rebound”? Did any of you ever here from them again? That thought makes me nervous, but I know this feeling of him being gone is true so no worries there. Thanks for all the advice,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:30am

Dear girl, the man didn't have a change of heart. He simply knew from the begining that he was looking for some pleasure, something his ex wife or relationship didn't give him, NSA. You on the other hand, thought that he was "nice" in the begining and unconsiderate at the end. He planned it all out and after the fact he didn't return your calls or e-mails. He ghosted. His standards in life say that he can do that. The majority of online relationship end up like this, not all but at least 95% of them. The man OR woman is looking for casual sex and they disguise it as "looking for something serious."

To move on from this hurtful experience, from now on be wary of divorced, separated and "unknown relationship status" males who advertise themselves on the net. If they get caught in some "white lie" they probably have several skeletons in the closet. Being too forward from the start is another red flag, they talk about a "future" and sex without even meeting you. It's all a fantasy that may become a nightmare.

I'd recommend the book "date like a man". It has information on hos men approach dating and when I read it myself I became aware of how women fall for men who are charming and such. It also provides suggestions on how to date without being hurt and move on faster if hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:53pm
Thank you so much! I appreciate what you've said. I did find myself "cuddled" up with him but withdrew because the entire time it didn't feel right, and I was totally unsure and confused about his feelings. I didn't feel THAT secure. He even mentioned that I was "playing games" with his mind in one of the last conversations. And stated he didn't come this way with "those" intentions, and he just wanted to be close. Yeah I'm sure! I was in a bit of denial I guess, but the picture is becoming clearer. I did look into the book you mentioned as well, thanks again! Take care,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:44pm

I have been in the rebound position before and it is never easy to move on when you thought you had something special. It is never easy to accept that you were a mere distraction for a while. It hurts the heart and soul.

I have heard from the men again. I know you are nervous about it because you still feel for him. You wouldn't be nervous if you didn't feel something. My repsonses were different depending upon the situation. Sometimes a person doesn't learn from just one hurt, they need to get suckerpunched again.

I know it sounds so ridiculous when people say to keep busy and get right back out there and date again. However, this is how most of the world operates. One guy I worked with told me that women would be alot better off dating if they could keep things in perspective like guys do. He said guys always feel that there is "more fish in the sea" if something doesn't work out. He's probably right, but when you are in pain it doesn't heal your heart.

I can't tell how long you were dating this guy from your post, but if it was under 6 months then your hurt might just be more about you than him. What I mean by that is we all want to feel loved, yet love eludes us. Maybe his abandonment of your relationship triggered those hurts. If that is the case then you are in luck because you then have the power to change those feelings. If it is more about him then only time can make the pain easier to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 9:16am
Thanks for your reply. I'm stronger then this, I know I am. I've been doing a lot of reading on people this has happened to. No it's not the end of the world but it's a tough one to "just" get over, for now. He came into my world, my surroundings, my family and now I'm left to recover from this "joy ride". But time, time will tell. I'd like to focus on some ME time. :) I've learned so much from so many different people on this site, and I guess it's good to know your not alone. Things are coming together, thanks again, take care,
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