Red flag when a man comes on so strong?
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:05pm |
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Hi! I just met this guy on a dating site and he seems wonderful. We conversed over email and on the phone a few times and met this past Sunday and had a wonderful, 9 hour date! It flew by, and we are so alike, and both agree it was amazing. He is 32 and ready to settle down. Anyway, we just met in person a few days ago,and he is saying things to me like "you are the most amazing. I'm still in a state of shock. I want nothing more than to see you again soon. You are gorgous, baby. Thank you so much for talking to me." Even when we speak over the phone he says "thank you for talking to me, it means so much..." This is strange to me. I feel like there is something wrong with him that I am missing, in order for him to be so suprised that i actually am interested in him. He is a great looking guy, and considers himself "shy," which is why he opted for the online thing rather than picking up a girl at a bar. That is not his style to approach women. Anyway, he is giving me a lot of attention, and acting as if it is love at first sight, or something. He did not say that, but that is the vibe I get. As if he simply cannot get over the fact that he met me and how great it is. This makes me wonder if he is sincere and if I can trust what he says. He also said "I miss you" a day after our first date. ANd he said in an email "I wish I could spend countless Christmass with you." I have never had any guy come on so strong like this. ALso, I have to say, he was such a gentleman on our first date. He is a little shy and nervous. And, we did go back to his place, which is down the street, and he did not try anything or expect anything, which I thought was very gentlemanlike. He only kissed me and said goodnight. He didn't ask me to stay or do anything more than kiss.
SO, MY QUESTION IS ... is there any way that this COULD be sincere, and he really just likes me a lot right away??? Or, is it ALWAYS a bad sign when a man comes on so strong like this??? He also has said a few times that he gets lonely and would like someone to spend time with and definitely wants to settle down? I'm just shocked because he is smart, has a good job, good family, never married, and is good looking and why would he be so shocked and seem so desparate for a companion??? Is this normal? Thanks.

Personally I would be creeped out by the things he is saying, that's just not my personal taste. I agree that the way he's acting and things he's saying sounds like he feels unworthy of your time and attention and IMO that is unattractive in someone (and perhaps a red flag about how they feel about themselves as well).
I met my husband on match.com about 6 years ago when we were in our mid and late 30's. We both felt an immediate sense of "this is the one I've been looking for" and he pursued me quite strongly...but I liked it b/c I liked him and I felt comfortable in how he behaved and what he said. Things moved pretty quickly between us and we broke a lot of the standard "dating rules" but it didn't matter b/c we were a right fit for each other. He didn't profess love in the beginning or talk about a future together or tell me how he felt like I was the one for him until later when we'd been together awhile and knew one another better. In the beginning he just called me daily and made it clear he wanted to spend time with me. His actions and words (ie, his personality) did not creep me out. Had I felt uncomfortable or wary like you do, I would have listened to it and I advise you to do that.
It is VERY common for someone to feel on cloud 9 in the beginning of a new dating situation. I don't think it's a red flag just b/c someone comes on strong. It's whether or not that is a mutual feeling and more importantly, lasts months and years for both people, that takes time to find out. That's the key. Good luck.
Usually someone that comes on that strong, usually disappears as quickly. But not always, I'd give it a bit more time, find out a little about previous relationships etc. I wouldn't get intimate too soon either because if he is the type that comes on super strong and than just kind of dissapates after a bit, then you won't have gotten intimate too fast and you won't feel as rejected.
That is one thing I learned from the book He's scared she's scared. The ones that come on super strong like that, tend to be committment phobic and they disappear just as quick.
you are so right. I met a guy about 3 months ago who jumped at me with 2 feet... then about a month after that he jumped away from me with 4 feet! I was completely baffled until I read that quite a lot of men do this.
We are friends now and are still in contact (amazingly!) He's a lovely guy and I still like him a lot, but am very aware of his ways and although he is absolutely gorgeous looking, this trait is not so lovely....