Red flags or just plain fears?PLS HElP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Red flags or just plain fears?PLS HElP?
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 7:44pm

I’m 32 old woman (one 7.5 year relationship – ended b/se he couldn’t commit -- and another 6 mo long one – he got scared, not ready for a relationship, he said), met this man on Match.com a month ago (emailed/talked on the phone for 2 weeks, have been dating for another 2, a total of six dates). I am at a point where I want to settle down, get married, have kids, etc. Seems like so is he (he is 33, has always been in LTRs – 5 of these, each lasting for 2.5 to 3 yrs; neither of us have been married) . I didn’t know how to ask him what he is looking for in a relationship and was very relieved that (on our 3d date) he was the one who opened the discussion: we talked for about 6 hours, I felt very comfortable, he was very open to share relationship history, expectations etc.

Here is my problem: he is more into “analyzing/overanalyzing” things and jumping ahead than I think is healthy (and I am usually the partner who is always concerned about where things are going!!!). I have always wanted to meet a man who knows what they want (romantically/partner wise) and are open to share thoughts and feelings and ask questions to find out what their potential partner might want. This seemed great to me! Yet, on our fourth date, we ended up discussing this for yet another 4 hours, and I had the feeling that he is worrying a bit too much ( I understand that he wants to do it “right” this time, and I really respect him for that; he said that he has been thinking a lot about what makes a successful relationship).However, at one point he sounded like “OMG, we have no money to send our kids to college!” and “Oh, s*&t, our sex life sucks!” LOL -- he talked about his apprehensions about being financially stable, in relation to having kids and his fears that he can’t always keep things exciting in the bedroom!!! Now, I do appreciate his honesty and his willingness to be open about things, but this is a bit too much info too soon (at this point, we hadn’t been physically intimate, we kissed for the first time on our 6th date last night!!!). What am I supposed to make of it? (given that I don’t know him): conclude that he is a flake and a sexual bore (which I am not doing , mind you!!!!), or think that he might subconsciously replacing talking about intimacy for actually trying to build intimacy with a real partner… I didn’t do any of these, I really like him, so I assured him that it definitely takes two tango (financially and sexually included) and we should both try take things one day at a time, take the risk and get to know each other…

I am concerned about this though: while I always have great time with him, his apprehensions about “getting it right this time” are really getting to me. He is extremely sweet, seems kind and a great person, yet he would always ask me questions that are meant to find out things that I don’t like, get irritated by, would hurt me, etc. so he doesn’t do that (I know that this is supposed to be a great thing, or is it?), but I am concerned that I might have gotten me an insecure “people pleaser” (I know it doesn’t bode well for relationships, or for the person’s own well-being and happiness…) Or may be he is just healthily apprehensive and a genuinely giving and generous person? I am very confused…

The other great concern I have is that he is constantly talking about having children ( I do want kids, most definitely so), but the way he brings it up just makes me a bit apprehensive (at least twice every date… well, it is not about “our common kids” – although he did that once too – but still, the kid subject is always there…) I thought I would be thrilled if I met a man like that, and well, I am concerned…Do you think it is because we are conditioned to believe that “men are not supposed to be that way”, that it is usually women who are obsessed about biological clocks, etc?

Also, even though he hasn’t “professed his love” for me (which, at this early stage, would have sent me running), he started telling me – after date 3 – how what he most respects about me is the fact that I am a very strong woman and at the same time so caring and loving; how wonderful I make him feel, how he can’t wait until he sees me again, and how “I couldn’t help but think about you, which is why I m calling”… I guess I am supposed to enjoy all that, but I am just worried that he doesn’t really know me to say things like that…Of course, it could be that I am just not used to that type of attention and am freaked out that it might be a red flag.

So, what do, all of you, think? Are these red flags? I really like him, but I am way too aware of the risks of getting in a relationship with somebody who might be insecure, unhappy with their life – and this is not “baggage talking”, none of my exes were that, but some of my girlfriends have been in relationships like that and it is hell!!! Well, he seems pretty happy with who he is, he loves his job, is adventurous enough to have lived in Europe and then move to the US (he is from Mexico), but the fact that he could never be “happily” single -- even when he said it took him 5 years to get over this one particular woman, but he still rushed into another LTR shortly after they broke up… needless to say this relationship didn’t work – makes me think that he is just hoping to make his life complete through somebody else… And of course, I know that all I am posting here might be my fears speaking (I truly, really like him..) I know this board has great advice, so please help!!!!