Red hot to ice - how should I respond?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Red hot to ice - how should I respond?
4
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 8:16am
Hi,

I need some advice on what I should do about a new man! We were introduced through mutual friends on a sort of blind date. He was super keen on me but I was not so sure. I went on a couple of dates and we seemed to get a long. He was very attentive and hinted he wanted a relationship. I was wary after been dumped by my former bloke 3 months previous and found it hard to trust him. He was very open but always appeared to be holding something back. He had come from a very turbulent relationship and his girlfriend had been addicted to drugs and then alcohol. After about 4 weeks of knowing him she tried to kill herself and so he went up to visit her for a few days, at the mums request. On his return he seemed more distant. He speaks and texts her every day. I told him I did like him but if he wanted a relationship then he would have to make it clear to his ex he did not want her back (apparently she had come on to him when he was over there). I made it clear I was not saying me or her but that if we were to start off right there could be no third party. He told me he had no intentions of getting back with her but thought I would have been more understanding of his predicament. He went totally cold on me after that and has stopped been attentive. We were meant to be going away this weekend (at his suggestion) but he has gone home to his parents instead. I told him I got the picture (presumed it was over) and he told me that was not the case he wanted to see me when he got back. He said he likes me but is not in love with me (this freaked me a bit we have only known each other 6 weeks so I told him I should hope he wasn't yet!). After initially rushing in he is now saying he wants to take things slow. He used to call me everyday but hasn't for the last few days (just the odd text instead)!

I feel because of his problems with the ex it has made me wary of him and he now has the wrong impression of me. Initially I totally misjudged him and thought he was a bit of a 'ladies man' but have since found out he is very sensitive and been through a lot because of her.

Do I just forget it? Agree to meet up when he gets back and give it another go - minus pressure on him? Apologise for putting pressure on him? WHAT?

Would appreciate the help x

PS: He moves around the country/world with his job and is due to be posted somewhere else 1 July (this might have something to do with it too!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 9:34am
torabell...

Have you ever heard the term: "Flexibility Friendship?"

From your description of the recent events in your relationship with this man...it sounds as if he'd like to stay in touch with you...but not commit himself to anything serious?

Granted...he might have come on very strong at the beginning...but as people get to know each other, certain traits or characteristics about our S.O. often causes a man or woman to retreat! Doesn't necessarily mean things will remain this way...but it all depends upon the individuals involved.

Pianoguy senses that you're a little "bothered" by the g/f who has the drug and alcohol problem.......and if the man has started to become "cold with you"----why should you wait around waiting for things to heat up between you again? Since his work is going to put distance between you both, you'll NEVER truly know if he's going to become involved with someone else!

Let this one go...and find a gentleman who will focus his attention on one woman....YOU!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 11:38am

Hello torabell!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 10:46am
Thank you for your advice it made a lot of sense!

I think I may have not worded my explination very well - his ex tried to kill herself 4 weeks into our relationship. He had actually been going out with her 4 years and engaged to her for 3. He split up with her a year and half ago and has not seen her in a year. She had just broke up with her current boyfriend and started calling him saying he had to go get her or she would kill herself. She did this twice and then tried to kill herself twice also! I think I was insensitive and spoke to him last night on the phone which seemed to help both of us. I think he is very emotionally disturbed by what has happened to him and is not ready for another relationship as yet. Therefore I have decided to take things very slow and just get on with my own life and see what happens!

Thanks again you really helped!

Torabell x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:45am
I have a rule that never fails me: "Here now, ready now or no go."

I think for this one you have to say "no go."

He is not ready for what you deserve.

Onward.........