regain trust cut through wall od indepen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
regain trust cut through wall od indepen
5
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:13pm
seeing 57 year old woman who has been widowed for 21 years no long term relationship very self reliant on self. Known her 4 months enjoy her company totally like her

Ex woman friend of mine went to her place of business and to house to find out whom i was seeing in July (like stalking). The 2 met at my house totally unexpected the first one very jealous.

The second woman is re-elvaluating our relationship because i did not tell her in July about this. I felt I can protect her and the other has since stopped on my advice. The The wall of hers was coming down with me and now it is back up.

If we do continue with the relationship how do I regain and rebuild the trust that was lost by not telling her. She is right I should have. I have of course apoligized to her but otherwise the relationship is excellant.

I do not want to lose her
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 4:10pm
You can't make her trust you again, she has to give you back her trust at her convenience. The only you can do be honest with her. Lying is the worst and I can understand why she's not trusting you. No woman likes to know that they're the "other one". If you have more sckeletons in your closet it's better to get them out in the light now, but you can run the risk of lossing her for good.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 6:12pm
You need to be completely open and honest with her from here on out. No more not telling her things because you want to "protect" her or you're afraid she'll be upset.

In addition to apologizing, have you told HER that you acknowledge that you should have told her and that you were wrong? That would go a long way towards disposing me to give you another chance...but of course your life would also have to be an open book from here on out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:45am
yes we have had that discussion and i did agree with her that I should have told her. The other woman was from the past and was jealous of the new one. I was not seeing her at all. the center of my attention was with the new one. There are no lies involved in this just a error of judgement thats it.

Is negating a relationship over this 1 factor worth it. I was wrong i admitted it and I want to continue seeing her and regaining that trust so the wall around her can come down and maybe we can establish a better relationship. No cheating or anything like that just a error in my judgement
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:59am
Hmm...if she's having trouble, I can see why. A lie of omission is still a lie. I wouldn't be trying so hard defend what you did as an "error in judgment" and not so bad if I were you. Any untruth can undo trust; it doesn't really matter what the magnitude of it is.

Also, agreeing with her that you should have told her is NOT the same as saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:17pm
A omission is the same as a lie ok yes then i did lie to her and have since apoligized

to her. I am being forthright with her beside saying" I am sorry" She has not spoken to me since Monday and is going to her best friend to discuss if the relationship should continue. I have to abide by that and feel it can go either way. Don't know what else to do. Its in her ballpark now. I know as i have said we enjoy each other and i am a

important part of her life up until I told of the problem. i felt i had to be honest about it and not keep it from her. But yes I did lie then and have learned i hope a valuable lesson from it.