rejection

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2001
rejection
7
Thu, 08-01-2013 - 3:31pm

I've been rejected after only going out with someone twice. The first time is when we met, and we had a fast connection. The 2nd time I said something during our meeting stating that maybe we weren't connecting; I said it because I didn't share his view on some things. At the end of the night he only said thank you and goodbye. I emailed him goodbye but then he suggested we go out again. Recently I had a conversation with him where I was not having a good day. I had mentioned my "troubles" to him before about living at home with parents as well as living far from the city center. Following arguments between family members that did not involve me I was having a bad day and while on the phone with him I did mention I was having a weird day; I blurted that I was getting impatient about things because I hadn't seen him in a few weeks despite our attempts at seeing one another. Just the day before we were not able to meet and I was calling to invite him out that night. He already had plans and he also mentioned something about having no expectations (which kind of hurt me actually). He said he would call back the next day and that he could make time for me. I said he could call me or let me know tomorrow how he felt about it. I am not sure if I conveyed this properly, because I was frustrated and also mentioned during the call maybe we should stop if we weren't going to be able to see one another but he said he wanted to keep in touch.

The next day I get an email from him outlining that he has enough stress with his job and what not and maybe he is sensitive but that we should not continue. He even mentioned something about my culture and how maybe it has something to do with it!!

Where did I go wrong? Did I deserve this? or was he being a jerk? (Following the second time we met he said he was sorry for what happened and had hope for us--that's when he invited me out again).

I felt so bad after this. I know I shouldn't have said a few things but was he justified or right in writing that? I was hoping things could work out. Should I try to salvage this??

I am looking forward to hearing back... p.s. I'm 35, he's 40.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-01-2013 - 4:45pm

I can't see that he did anything where he could be considered a jerk unless he said something like "people of your culture are always" and made a bad comment.  But if he said something about having cultural differences, I don't think that is meaning that your culture is bad, just that he thinks the differences led to misunderstandings or different expectations, etc.  So let's look at the facts:

1.  You said on the 2nd date that maybe you weren't connecting because you had different views

2.  You emailed him to say good bye (in effect breaking off the relationship first)

3.  You had a conversation with him that had a negative tone, complaining about things at home & saying you were having a bad day--frankly I don't think that after 2 dates you should be telling someone about your bad issues--that's really not the way to attract someone to keep going out with you. 

4.  You said you were impatient cause you hadn't seen each other in a while--another negative thing.  You also said that maybe you should stop seeing each other.

It seems like you had a lot of negative things to say in your interactions with this guy so I don't think it's that surprising that he broke up with you.  why would someone want to keep seeing someone who is negative?  The beginning of a relationship is the time to be fun and positive--and what is wrong with having no expectations where you are just starting to get to know someone?  if you start dating someone expecting that you would have a serious relationship, that would be kind of odd.  It's better to just see how things go and if you like each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2001
Thu, 08-01-2013 - 5:05pm

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2001
Thu, 08-01-2013 - 6:03pm

By the way yes he did generalize something specific about my culture, but it's probably pointless for me to continue writing about this now. Thanks for the thoughtful response....here's to a great evening!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: demontespan
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 9:08am

It is entirely posible when you complained to him about living with your parents and other issues in life, you re-inforced your cultural stereotype.  After all, most 35 year olds do not live with parents and family members.

I would also suggest trying to get to a better living situation, either move away from your parents and find a more suitable location, or come to terms with living with them, before trying to date again.  Dates should be understanding about others having an occasional bad day, but very few are willing to take on unhappiness due to less than ideal situation.

When you put not happy with your living situation and hoping things would be further along in your "relationship" (2 dates do not constitute a relationship) in the same conversation, it could also be a red flag to your date that your want to be "rescued".  Whether it is true or not, it comes across as a bit needy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2001
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 9:43am

Thank you!!

Maybe it's pointless for me to explain but my situation is rather unique--my parents are here temporarily for a few months, a family member decided to join us and is disrespectful. I have been on my own for years. I can see your point though based on what I wrote.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2001
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 9:55am

I am not sure where I mentioned a relationship, however, I do believe that people have become too disposable in our society. Also, I feel I was pretty clear from the start about my situation. I'm not sure if what you mention is the reason, but it's possible he has felt rejected due to my saying goodbye, then mentioning maybe it's best that we no longer go out. Perhaps it's best I find someone more suitable to me. I don't feel I've done anything that wrong, I don't want to be rescued by him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2001
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 10:09am
I'd like to get rid of this question!! Hoping the board organizer or manager can do this for me! Thank you!