Rejection after first date

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Rejection after first date
11
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:43am

:-( It still hurts to be rejected even though I had rejected the guy in my mind already after that first date. Why does it still hurt? Sure, we were not a good fit. I found him a tad irritating too. Always being that smart aleck at every line. Ofcourse, I wasn't the right fit for him. Am too nice, polite, conservative (Oh and he seemed to ignore any discussions on "volunteer work" that I like to do....and he had the nerve to still ask me "But what do you do for FUN?") and much more mellower. Can't volunteer work be fun for someone?

Well, he disappeared from the scene for 10 days after that date and it was me who wrote to him to ask what's up and that's when he came out with the truth. It was still confusing, coz he had wanted to sit in the car and chat and did not initiate a goodnight at all long after..even asked me if he could walk me to my door etc. Did he have ulterior motives that night?

This truth of someone rejecting us does hurt, but why...., when we weren't interested in the other person to begin with? If he had shown interest in me, I'd have told him immediately that this isn't a good fit. Since his e-mail, I have been feeling let down, a bit worthless. I did give him a fitting reply though - nice but a very honest reply about what I thought of his behavior in general.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:35am

Why did you bother contacting him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:27pm

I agree I set myself up for that. I still felt a bit confused though coz he had shown a lot of interest that evening as far as wanting to stay back and chat. When I asked him in my email why he did so, he said he was enjoying the conversation. So ladies, just becoz a guy stays back longer, does not mean he is *interested* in dating. So that's what I learned. I also emailed him to make him realize that his going silent on me was not polite. We were in touch over email and phone for 1 month before meeting and that deserves a polite "no thanks" email after the first date. According to me. Disappearing without a word is not in my books. We are not objects here, we are people. I know though, it was still stupid of me to contact him, but, I wanted to be doubly sure and needed some proper closure. But it still surprises me, how come he wasn't even interested in friendship, if he had enjoyed our talks?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:39pm

::But it still surprises me, how come he wasn't even interested in friendship, if he had enjoyed our talks?::

Because he enjoyed what you guys talked about on email and over the phone. There was no connection in person. Why bother maintaining a friendship that is only comfortable on email or the phone? You aren't/weren't likely to ever meet up again, clearly, so remaining in contact in any way would seem pointless, no?

I agree that just disppearing is bad form, but it appears to be common and 'accepted' these days, right or wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:07am

He said he was enjoying our conversation *in person* (not just phone and email) and that's the reason he stayed back that night wanting to park the car and talk more, and not even saying goodnight even though it was so late in the night. He even said if I would like for him to walk me to my door, but I declined that since I could manage on my own...my building was just a few steps away. Plus I didn't wanna inconvenience him. So if had clearly enjoyed our conversation in person, and then decided to disappear after that, that's such a turn-off and confusing too. Looks purely selfish to me.

Yeah, I guess, these days we just have to be ready for a date disappearing on us. I am not used to this at all, so it was a bit of a shock to me...a let down too. It was as if I don't even deserve a courtesy email? Me? :-) And if he really did so with no communication (UNLESS it was a Horrible date and people were totaly turned off with each other/said something rude etc. then this could justify going silent and letting it go) then he isn't a "prospect" anyway.

Good riddance. I am quite irritated with him..
We live in the same city. Even if I bump into him in the future, it will be a hateful feeling I will have in me for him.
I know I am giving him way more attention than I should be when I am not even interested in him, but I just wanted to touch on other aspects of this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:15am

"I know I am giving him way more attention than I should be when I am not even interested in him, but I just wanted to touch on other aspects of this situation."

Are you sure you aren't interested in him??? Like you say, this is way too much attention on someone you supposedly dont even want as a partner. Sure the bruised ego is expected, that happens to most of us when someone isnt interested in us, but feeling hateful is usually how you would feel if you did like someone and they rejected you.

And those 10 days after the date, did you contact him at all or did you just expect him to contact you? If you didnt contact him, why was that - because you werent interested?? If so, you cant exactly blame him for not contacting you.

If after one date I wasnt contacted (has happened many a time ha ha)or was ignored after I got in touch with them, I would have just left it and have forgotten it by now - not still be holding on and quietly fuming about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:40am

Those 10 days I never contacted him at all. I was waiting for him to make the move. I don't know, I just felt, as a guy he should make the move after a date. Especially, since I GOT the feeling that HE enjoyed the date and liked me enough to stay back and chat (UNLESS he had only ulterior motives for doing that).

Yeah, this is a bruised ego....that's right :-)).

I am feeling hateful, becoz I just don't like guys who behave selfishly, and who don't have basic courtesy in them. I actually hate this trait in many guys when they go silent. I have an allergy like reaction to such a thing coz of some past experiences. I really value communication, even if it's negative. But there should be communication.

It was a normal date with a light-hearted banter which flowed well. So I had expectations that I deserved a proper closure. Actually, to have a mail from him telling me that he would like me meet me again and then ME declining him, would have made me feel so much better about myself. I know, I know....that sounds like flawed thinking, but it's the truth :).

Do I like him? Definitely Not in a romantic sense. I wasn't even physically attracted to him. I wouldn't have minded meeting him again only as a friend becoz I liked his wit, and how he is completely opposite of how I am. It's always good to know people with different personalities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 10:27am

Dang girl!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 12:22pm

That's why I actually *prefer* that if a guy's not interested after the first date or two, he just disappear rather than TELLING me he's not interested. I hate getting those emails, frankly. I would MUCH rather have silence.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 2:51pm

There's a bit of a contradiction going on here... in the first post you said how you were irritated by his sarcasm and then later you said you'd like to have him as a friend because he's witty. To me, that's one in the same.


I think the real reason this may bother you is because you lost the control. If you were doing the rejecting as you said, it would have been fine. To me (and the only reason I can relate is because I've dealt with this issue) is that your need to be liked overrides the your own feelings. In other words, though you didn't like him, it's more important to you that he liked you because somehow maybe (and I'm guessing here) it validates your own self worth. Not sure if that's exactly what's going on, but that's what I'm sensing.


Also remember that everyone is not going to act like you. Is it rude to not say anything and just not contact a date? Some would say yes, some would say no. Some would think that it's better than being rejected, others like the cold, hard truth. But if you expect others to act in the same way you would, you're going to be very frustrated.


Hope this helps...


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 6:26pm

You weren't interested in him either and you say if he had demonstrated interest in you, you would have said there was no possibility of anything happening. As you said, it wasn't a good fit. So this worthless feeling isn't about him at all, it's ego, wanting someone you don't like to like you. It makes no logical sense though we all do that to ourselves, it's about the need for us all to love ourselves regardless of what others think, especially those we're

,

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