Relationship books have me so messed up!
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| Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:48am |
Okay, not really sure where to post this one or really, even how to explain this. Am I the only one who has been psychologically damaged by self-help relationship books???
After ending what I thought was a relativly good (yet short--3 month) relationship--minus the fact that he really had too much going on and didn't have time for me, amongst other things--I began reading TONS of self-help relationship books (what men want, confessions of an ex-bachelor, why men marry bitches and more I can't recall). I think for two reasons--(1)to help me have a better go with the next relationship and (2) to figure out what went wrong with the last one (because I can't get him out of my head even though I was not getting what I wanted/needed and was not 100% happy and I've accepted the way things are! NOT LOGICAL, yet, I can't get him out, so I started reading...). I KNOW I did nothing wrong and we both cared about each other, yet now that I've been reading all these relationship books, I've started thinking well gee, if I had done this or done that, or not done this or not done that, or maybe I was too nice, or maybe...AHHHHH!!!!! These books have screwed with my head and I think I'm worse off for having read them. They all seem to be about playing stupid games and regardless of who wrote them, a man or woman, they all seem to be more down on the woman. SHE is the one who screws things up and SHE is the one who has to do this or do that to make things work.
And the thing is, I'm intelligent and KNOW this is just crap, but how does one recover from the psychologial damage of self-help books?! Or is there really something to them? (yes, I'm laughing about this, but at the same time, I'm starting to think I need therapy for the damage the books have done! Not from my failed relationship!).

lawgirl5...
Pianoguy first checked to see if you had an ivillage profile? You didn't. So he came up with the following question:
"Did a family member lay some sort of 'guilt trip' on you at a younger age?"
I realize you're very smart and are currently studying for the legal profession, but why would you bother worrying about the feelings of someone who wasn't compatible to you (and vice versa) in the first place? This makes no sense at all!
As for the 'self-help books'.....there's no ONE SIZE FITS ALL answer for everybody's true love questions. Our personalities, interests, health, educational background and amount of sleep we get during an average night---often determines the success (or failure) of any relationship. The books you've read probably 'pick on women' more than men because most women are CONSIDERABLY MORE VOCAL ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS than men are! So it's easier for an author of a self-help relationship book to generalize and incorrectly analyze the fairer sex!
It's only one man's opinion, but if you can TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK at your personal feelings---and in what areas you're the weakest in...instead of accepting advice from total strangers, you MIGHT come up with some solid conclusions when it comes to making your future relationship choices?
Personally, I think you sound like a very smart lady. So why not grab a legal pad and write down all the stuff you like about yourself? Then (in a 2nd column) write down your 'bad habits' that you can either eliminate or at least, modify?
The result: You might end up with a man who truly appreciates the warm, analytical, loving person you appear to be?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
<< but how does one recover from the psychologial damage of self-help books?! >>
Interesting! I don't think the books have damaged you. lol. In fact, you're probably not as "damaged goods" as you think you are. ;-)
Think of it this way, our thoughts inspire our actions. We cannot DO something without thinking it first, right? Even if it's a slight, briefly passing thought. So, if you THINK that these books have damaged you, that is what you'll get, that is what you'll make of yourself: damage.
Turn it around. Start thinking differently. First, you might want to TRY to glean SOMETHING good from these books. Go back to each one and say "ok, I can see that THAT is a good lesson, I can take SOMETHING from that one." But, as it is, all you see is negative, negative, negative when you think of these books. Turn it around.
Secondly ... toss the books out, put them on Amazon.com and sell them, whatever. Just "cleanse yourself" of them. Which is what you do in life, in general, if something isn't benefiting you, right? You detach, and then eliminate it from your life. I have plenty of self-help books on my shelf ... but they aren't causing me any tension or negative thoughts, so ...there they sit. But, in your case, these books aren't GOOD for you ... they're inspring negative thoughts, so ... you get rid of them. Easy.
Do both of those things and that MIGHT help in turning your thoughts around ... because, honestly, the books have NOT done you damage ... your perception of these books is what is causing the thoughts and the thoughts are the damaging effect.
Good luck. :)