Relationship Problems (important)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Relationship Problems (important)
3
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:28am
Hey everyone! I have been really confused lately about my 14 month relationship with my boyfriend Ryan. I care for him dearly and we are official...in the future we want to get married and everything else. The problem is that I don't know if I can trust him fully... I just have this huge vibe when i'm around him that he's lying about something and it will not go away! I've tried talking to him about it but he denies lying to me about anything.

Another problem is that he doesn't trust me either. He thinks since i've had sex with a bunch of people in my past means that i can't live with out it and thinks i will cheat. He will not let me hang out with certain people and hates it when i call him jealous... Sometimes I will flip out on him for no reason just because I think he gets controlling. Sometimes our fights get abusive ( i hit him and he hits me).

Another thing is sometimes my friend Sara will get pissed at Ryan and stick up for me and say something mean to him and he gets mad if I don't say anything mean to her about it.... I actually don't feel comfortable sticking up for Ryan...i mean i care for him but i'm kinda scared to say things to people like that. Confusing huh?

Sounds like a horrible relationship I KNOW!! but underneath all of that it's very loving and intimate. Will somebody please give me the answers to my problems asap!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 9:26am
Having had to deal with trust issues in my own relationship, I know that it is all in how you handle it. Getting angry (or abusive as you had mentioned) won't help. both of you are looking for security, and i know how that is. It takes time, and it takes a leap of faith. Has he ever done anything that would make you believe he ever would be unfaithful? Have you? If there is you can talk about what the situation was, and why it was, and if it would be repeated. Otherwise, a friend of mine gave me the best relationship advice about trust, just think that he feels exactly the way you do. So if you love him, imagine he loves you. And if you wouldn't cheat on him, allow yourself to know he wouldn't cheat on you. In a truly loving situation, neither one of you would want to screw things up by dating someone else before both of you were done. I hope that helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 9:42am
This is a dangerous relationship.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 12:51pm
Sounds to me like you are both very young.

This is not a healthy relationship. This is not a normal one either.

People who genuinly love each other will not be abusive, so keep deluding yourself that you love him and that he loves you. I want to hear you say that when you end up in the ER room needing stiches and/ or a cast. It is NEVER ok to hit another person! And if you're going down that road, get out of it! What gives either of you the right to treat each other that way? By allowing it to happen and to continue, the violence will only escalate. Call up the local woman's shelter and ask the battered women how their relationships started out? Ask them how many broken bones they and possibly their children suffered at the hands of the man they loved. My best friend almost lost a baby because her ex took a two by four to her stomach when she was 8 months pregnant.

So before you ask how you can "fix" this relationship, get out. This is NOT a relationship, this is abuse.

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