in a relationship but seeing my ex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
in a relationship but seeing my ex!
5
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:50am
i have been dating this wonderful guy for about 5 months now...he is everything i ever wanted...we have talked about getting engaged in the nest year and everything. i still keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend (my BF has no idea of this) and recently we saw each other. we had a great time and ended up kissing. i have seen him once since then, and there was no physical contact, but, again...had fun. i don't feel physically attracted to him, but i do feel like i miss something about him. we were together for 4 years, so there is so much comfort and familiarity...he knows me better than anyone. i would be devastated if my BF and i broke up...and i know thats exactly what would happen if he found out. but does the fact that i still feel something for my ex mean anyhting? most women probably wouldnt even be giving this guy the time of day- he broke up with me one day-suddenly- after 4 years...with no reason or explanation. we didnt start talking again until a year after the break-up...please help, i am so confused...i know the best decision would be for me to cut all ties with my ex...but i think i would miss him too much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:42am
I was in a similiar situation, only I did give up my recent boyfriend to go back with my ex. It is not worth it! Sure he is fun and as you said you had 4 years together to get to know each other, of course you are going to still have feelings of sort for him and always will. But you should give your BF the chance to develop those same feelings and it sounds to me like he will not just up and leave you without explanation. If you say that your BF is everything you've always wanted then please do not take the chace on someone that has in my mind already HAD his chance and BLEW it! Also ask yourself why you were together for 4 years without the marriage commitment being discussed. In fact you should ask him for that if he mentions getting back together! Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:43am
If you truly want to be with this wonderful guy you're with, then get your head out of the clouds for a minute. You are only wanting to be with your ex because at the end you got no closure from him. So in essence, it never ended for you. Tell the ex to take a hike, and focus on the new guy.

Your ex certainly had no problem ditching and forgetting you, kindly return the "favour".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:16pm
thanks for ur response baby- i wanted to marry him, and we did talk about it, but when i started to get serious about it - not too long after, he broke up with me. he says this is why- he wasn't ready (he is 2 years younger than me...i was 25, he 23). it's not even like he is begging for me back here. he never treated me badly- in fact, he was good to me...but like u said he did have his chance with me and he blew it. he is still that guy who likes to party, does some illegal activity on the side from his regular job to make extra cash, and is only 25. So, even if my current BF and i weren't together, my ex wouldn't make the best candidate for me to date. I think what i need to realize is that being with someone for 4 years creates a special place for that person that will always be with me. But seeing him makes me confuse those feelings with wanting to be with him- when in actuality they are just normal feelings that stem from truly and deeply caring for him at one point in time. Does this all make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:33pm
Yes this makes perfect sense! And sometimes its hard to give up fun for something REAL. Real can be boring at times but just remember that it is real and will be rewarding in the long run! You will always have feelings for him because you are a caring person and you gave him a good portion of your life. But I promise these feelings will fade more and more, but you need to take some time completely away from him until the confusion is gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:40pm
thanks again baby for your advice...