relationship=losing sense of self?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
relationship=losing sense of self?!
4
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 6:30pm
Hello everyone...

I regularly read and occasionally post here...so I am hoping to get some input into a dilemma.

I am single and absolutely love it...most of my serious relationships were ball and chain type...as in I felt tied down and was never really able to be myself. I have that now and am loving it!

But...I am thinking that I may have found someone that could be turning into some serious, new feelings here. It's not fear of being hurt or anything...I just like my life and am not sure how to not compromise it. The guy is great...we are good friends (he actually used to be my student a while back when he was in high school and have stayed in contact and have since become close). Is this an odd part that I should be concerned about? I'm concerned about how I am feeling here, so it's about that but also about concern over freaking him out?

The bottom line is...how do you maintain your sense of self in relationship? Is this possible to do?

Thank you everyone :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 7:16pm
I have expanded my sense of self in every serious relationship I've had. I only date men who like women who are independent thinkers, and bright and self sufficient - most of the men I know go for women like that so it never has been a problem. I have never felt 'ball and chain" - rather with every serious relationship I experienced new things - either cultural, or relationship skills, or the people I met, the places we went, etc. So for me it's not only possible - it's the only way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 6:00pm
You mentioned he is a former student? Is there a big age gap?

You can loose a sense of yourself in a relationship if you let that happen. That will always lead to an unhealthy relationship though. Don't give up the things that are important to you and make you happy as an individual, and you won't loose your sense of yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 6:53pm
You don't have to lose yourself in order to be with another person. There is no reason that a serious relationship has to be oppressive or like a "ball and chain," as you put it. I am in a serious relationship and I continue to be very much my own person. In fact, my boyfriend really seems to get a kick out of my fierce individuality and little "quirks." I enjoy his uniqueness, as well. We are both pretty easy-going, non-possessive and we try to be understanding when it comes to our individual schedules, etc.

You always have to remember that you have a choice in everything you do. So, a lot of it has to do with the men you choose to be with. Demand of YOURSELF that you will only accept a man who is accepting of you and the fact that you have your own agenda. A mature, secure man will celebrate your independence. I hope that your new guy fits this description.

If you've selected the right man for you, all you have to do is continue living your life and make him a part of it, and vice versa. There ARE compromises in any relationship. But it should go both ways. If you find yourself doing all the bending and accommodating, then you know you are headed down the "ball and chain" path again, and you need to reevaluate your choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:59pm
No, not a big age gap...6.5 years.

Thank you also to everyone who is posting. I am really not a doormat and I hope I didn't come across as one. I didn't realize at all how absurd things must have been until I read what people had to say. Apparently I have yet to enter into a healty relationship!