Into relationships again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Into relationships again
3
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:55am
Hi there, about 9 months ago I posted my breakup trauma on this site. Now I'm finally ready to date again. The opportunity has presented itself a few times... Here's what keeps happening though - I think the guy's great in my head, but in my heart I don't feel it. It's like my mind thinks its a great opportunity, but my insides want me to run the other way. Is this a defense mechanism of some kind? If so, is it unhealthy to feel anti-relationship now? As soon as the hanging out turns to coupley feelings, I want out. I don't want to be a heartbreaker just because that's what happened to ME before. But I feel jaded and hard, like I could just be an old-maid all my life. I'm 24 and I DO want love and trust and a husband in my life. So what gives here? I'm confusing myself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:53pm

adri l...

Pianoguy suggests that you make an attempt to "cleanse your head" of the past breakup before trying again. . But to be honest, 24 is hardly an age to classify yourself as "an old maid!"

Look....

If you're expecting something to fail...whether it's connected with your work or your personal life...it probably will! Negativity breeds like weeds and like all infections, KILLS the blades of grass...err...the 'desires' that most of us have deep down inside.

What's wrong with asking a close friend...or a work associate you trust...how he or she got past a disappointing relationship? Perhaps one or two of their suggestions will give you enough confidence to stop running away from a man (or two) who might think you're VERY SPECIAL?

Best wishes and warm thoughts,

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 2:42am
Thanks for that. I guess I just don't know the way to practically cleanse away the old junk. Maybe just by waiting until I feel free, and done with being alone? Right now I still like being alone and having my space. I'm even living in another country away from everything familiar.
I guess I might expect failure, or let downs. I hadn't really thought about that. I mostly just want to FEEL right about another guy. And I don't know if that will happen with my jaded attitude, or if taking it slow and really getting to know someone will help.
What's the best way to be open and objective about new people? Sans the baggage? Waiting a lot, praying a lot, or just waiting for the right "feeling"? Sounds unreliable. Maybe I need therapy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 8:57am

adri....

The only way Pianoguy knows to deal with anybody new is to try and be friendly, hold your end of the conversation and LISTEN to the thoughts of others. If you can avoid 'reading or interpreting ideas" and comparing them with a previous acquaintance...you'll probably find that your 'excess baggage' will eventually disappear.

Therapy....it's something to consider. But be certain that the therapist is highly recommended by someone you know before you start spending $100/hour or more for a session.

Good Luck!

Pianoguy