Religion vs love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Religion vs love?
9
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:42pm


I've been in a whirlwind long distance realationship for just over a year. We met at a party and clicked instantly and jumped into a relationship without thinking about consequences- or, I'm now aware, without knowing each other very well. After a year of sleeping together whenever he'd return to the country (he'd email and call every day he wasn't here), although I felt like we were really, really close he's only just confided in me that he doesn't believe in sex before marriage, and has been living with a feeling of tremendous guilt since we met. I'm upset not only because he'd told me it wasn't an issue before, but I'm seriously confused on how to proceed with any kind of relationship (Which parts are him being real to himself? Were they the parts of our relationship that I valued most?) but if I want to continue seeing him I couldn't sleep with him without feeling tremendously guilty myself- like I'd be dragging him over to the dark side!!!! Although I can live without sex until commitment, it's hard when we ALREADY HAVE consumated the realationship many times. I feel like we'd be taking a big 'step backwards'. Going from a giving, intimate realationship to one with less physical contact seems like moving back to when we first started dating, like we've just met.

I know there's a lot of reasons why Christianity forbids sex before marriage, but I also know many friends who call themsleves Christians and overlook this rule, so had questioned his lapse in this area but had blindly accepted his response that it wasn't an issue for him. But knowing he lied when I'd brought the subject before has got me worried too- as with the fact that he can do something that he sees as wrong for such a long time. Although he's the one proporting to take the higher moral ground, there's no way I could have continued to live a lie like that FOR A DAY, let alone for an entire year.

But it's the gap now in religious beliefs that is worrying me too. His answer has been to give me a bible so I could read it and hopefully understand his point of view. I'm finding too many gaps that don't follw logical sense to me that he can't answer, and his inability to express what his religion means to him frustrates me. He says he doesn't want to talk about it in case we argue, but I think if he wants me to understand him and his religion that he should be prepared for differences in opinion and shouldn't expect me to do all the work. He's trying to console me by saying if he wasn't crazy about me he wouldn't have put himslef in this position, but now really thinks we should do things 'CORRECTLY' if we are to go on, but it's hard to see a future - i"ve never been in a relationship this long where there wasn"t any physical intimacy

I am REALLY trying to be understanding here but can't help question everything- after all, religion is a serious subject that SHOULDN"T be treated lightly. So I looked at a Christian 'help' site and saw there advice for relationships between a believer and an athiest was simply "Don't", backed up by a few lines about how light shouldn't mix with dark and other really positive responses. So basically his religion forbids our union, he's have guilt at having consumated our union, and what I thought was a happy, loving relationship has had a whole new light shed on it. Should I just walk away??? What should I do here???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 2:39am
walk away. the reasons are endless.

funny how the "guilt" didn't get to him for a year... how devout of him.

really, walk away, this is trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:21am
caspereeta...

Pianoguy really hates it when two people repeatedly sleep together...and then...they suddenly discover that their activity goes against their religious beliefs!

You and I know this is a crock of....well...it's ridiculous. And if you're a smart lady, you would have cut through his 'verbal smog' months ago. As it is...the 2 of you haven't felt THAT BADLY about sleeping together...or you would have quit after your 'first close encounter'...right?

If you want to buy into this guy's line that his religious belief's forbid sex before marriage...fine! By the way, if you TRULY feel that badly about having sex before marriage, perhaps you'd be interested in purchasing the Statue of Liberty in NYC. I'll sell it to you cheap...just don't tell the mayor, okay? It'll be a private transaction!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:41am
Wait a second... before we hang the guy out to dry, let's take a step back.

Haven't you ever done something repeatedly that eventually caused a load of guilt and finally you had the courage to stop? I know I have! Plus he's been seeing the OP only when he goes back to her country so how often were they having sex for him to realize this? Now let's think about it logically. Why would a person possibly want to stop having sex after they've been having it all this time? He's not saying he wants to breakup, he's saying that he's realized he's gone wrong.

Is that really something to condemn him for? No.

Does it show that he wasn't as committed to his religion a year ago as he has become? Yes. Maybe he had an experience that might have brought things to light for him... who knows?

My only point is that people shouldn't jump all over him just because he feels he's doing something wrong. Granted, there may be other reasons pushing him to this decision but the right questions aren't being asked that would help find the real reasons.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:03am
bklynchik...

If a man or woman is truly committed to his or her religious beliefs...it doesn't take a year to realize that certain "activities" go against the doctrine. Not being a religious scholar, I can't quote you exact passages from THE BIBLE...but if a person "honestly lives by the biblical book"---there are sections that concern adultery in any form.

Incidentally...Pianoguy isn't condemning anybody here. Reread my original post.

I'm curious though. How long does it take for guilt to kick in? A year seems rather lengthy to me....even though there were separation periods between the couple within that time frame. What bugs me is this:

When a couple attempts to justify their behavior by referencing religion, it's seems a little lame to me! If there's a desire to "live" according to religious doctrine...GREAT!

"Referencing the rules" after the fact makes hypocrites out of most of us...doesn't it?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:35am
Wasn't accusing you of condemning... that was more of a general word I chose. Sorry for any confusion... :)

Referencing the rules after the fact doesn't necessarily make a person a hypocrite--maybe he had an epiphany at some point and it took some time to percolate. All I'm saying is that by saying the guy's a lamer at this point also coincides with an assumption that he's using this as an excuse. I'm trying to put it out there that there may be other reasons for this, not just that he's a plain ol' hypocrite.

To also get angry at him (OP, not you PianoGuy) for a choice he's making in his life is almost like saying he's not allowed to change his ideas as he goes along in life. For example, after my father died, if you had asked me whether or not I believed in God, I would have said No. However, a few years later I changed my mind. Now had I been with the same man during both periods and chosen to lead a religious lifestyle, obviously things would have had to change. Just as I would have a choice, so would my SO--choose to accept my new lifestyle or choose to leave.

The whole point is just because he has chosen something now doesn't mean that he's a lamer or anything like that. He's realized a mistake and is correcting it. It's now up to the OP to either choose to stay with him and support him in his new choice or she can leave and pursue other interests.

(Sidebar: PG... you realize that every time you refer to yourself in the third person I think of Seinfeld? Don't know if you've watched it but you just catch me off guard.. lol)




 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 11:46am
Hello caspereeta!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:02am
Thanks guys for your advice. I'm still not sure which way to move yet - I think I'm still in shock!! But it's good to hear other people's opinions and just get it all off my chest; to be honest I'm embarrased to tell my friends about the situation yet- a majority of them not being Christians either, I really think they'd say he was mad- and I mad for even considering staying! I realise now that I sounded quiet angry in my initial email, which has made me realise that I AM angry about being lied to and generally kept in the dark, and to be feeling like the guilty party as you indicated, but I'm also angry about being the last consideration on his part. Like someone commented, it's fair for him to rekindle his connection with his religion. I accept that wholeheartedly. But the fact he has done so without consulting me the past year, and now I can just like it or lump it isn't very considerate, to say the least! I think I said 'Religion VS Love' as he's chosen the former over the later, and I don't know whether I want anything to do with the later if what he's doing is an example of it!!! The fact he'd been struggling with his demons the whole time seems kinda sneaky, I'm afraid. Long distance, different religions.. whatever, if you really, really love someone these things can be approached. But lies? I think that's the thing I won't be able to overcome. But one thing - many people have commented that it's best to find sometone of the same beliefs and values. How is anyone supposed to do that when people constantly change, people lie, people withhold information and people evolve? That comes down to being a better judge of character- although he'd told me he was a christian, he told me everything else I wanted to hear so that I didn't assume that there would ever be an issue of us disagreeing on religious grounds. I feel like I was tricked into this.

Also- on the subject of chosing a partner of the same beliefs and values- I'm not a Christian, but I think there's something bigger than us at work out there, so should I not ever approach a relationship until I've worked out what that is?? What if I never work it out? Even though my beliefs aren't conventional, that doesn't sound right!! I think couples should help each other learn and grow in all areas- and I think if my boyfriend was spending more time right now trying to explain his point of view I'd be a lot more accepting of his internal religious dilemas.. As it stands, I'm just confussed!!!

But thanks for your time..

ce xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:08am
Suggestion... how about starting this conversation with him? Talk through your concerns, your ideas about religion and all of it. It should serve two purposes--to clear the air and also have you look at your own religious values.

As for working out what the greater force is, that's all up to you. There's no rule that says you must declare a religion. I do believe in God but I don't like instituionalized religions... And I'll always try to act in a morally correct manner though my foundation for what is "morally correct" is based more in Roman Catholicism than anything else.

But I would *definitely* talk things through with him. Keep us posted!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:00pm

Regardless of your boyfriends new found religious concscience, sounds like you need to decide if you two are on the same page regarding sexuality in relationships.

Lilypie Baby Days