Relocation - Need ADVICE
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| Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:26am |
Hey…
This is kind of a long story but I’m going to try to condense it as much as possible.
“R” and I have been together for a year and he has treated me like a princess 95% of the time. We have talked about a future together, he eventually plans on marrying me (he says he has my marriage proposal all planned in his mind), but we are not engaged.
When we got together, I knew that his future goal was to live in central Florida (we are currently living separately in southeast Virginia), but there was nothing immediate about his plans.
There have been some political changes in his company. They are supposedly closing their office here (no announcement has been made and no attempt is underway to lease the space where they currently reside). They have given him the choice of working where ever he wants to. That includes his home, the office he currently works in here, and other offices. He can even relocate and work from his new home if he wants to. He’s made a decision without any input from or consideration for me. He’s is going to sell his house here, and move to Florida within the next 2-3 months. I am not part of his plans. Although he wants me to move there too and he’s offered to help me any way he can – he wants me to do it as a choice for my career (there are job opportunities for me there too), not because I want to be with him. In a nutshell, he has not asked me to come with him.
I have changed my mind 999 times over the last few weeks. One day, I think about moving and the next day, I think about breaking up and the next day, I think about trying to make this work as a long-distance relationship. When I last leaned toward moving, I realized that it was primarily motivated by wanting to be near him and the other advantages (job change, climate, family nearby, etc.) were very far behind in the rankings. I would not take the job there for the sake of the job alone – my whole reason for looking at job opportunities there was because I thought that this move was going to be an “us” thing, not a “him” thing.
I have been crying for days. He is so cold about it, seems to be totally emotionless. When I ask him how he can be that way, he says he’s internalizing it.
My friends and family tell me I’m lucky to find this out now. They say that this is truly a selfish decision and I should cut my losses and walk away. But I’m in agony.
Any advice/thoughts?
Thanks!
K

bluesea718...
First....STOP CRYING! This solves nothing.
Pianoguy thinks you've been hit with "a reality check"...not only by the man you've been seeing, but also a personal wake-up call about who you are and what you truly want in life.
I think there are 2 red flags here:
1. The man hasn't REALLY ASKED you to join him and has only made the suggestion that you join him strictly out of courtesy. Does that sound like someone who is SERIOUS when it comes to life together as husband and wife?
2. You've considered "breaking up" with him several times. If you plan to go through with it, do it on your 'home turf!' While every breakup is painful, isn't it better to have friends and family around to help you mend? Completely moving somewhere new only to discover that the move WASN'T a good idea (a few months later), will put you at a disadvantage.
Let the man 'go it alone' for awhile. This way...he can establish himself and see if HE'S COMFORTABLE in new territory. He can ALSO see how much he's missing by leaving you behind. If his desire is strong enough, he'll move heaven and earth to get you to join him. If it's not, then YOU haven't jumped into a major mistake!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy