requested he not be friends w/my friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
requested he not be friends w/my friend
6
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:52pm

I am a bit confused, questioning if i am being unreasonable.....

I am dealing with a long time relationship that has become a bit rocky. My boyfriend of seven years is also like my best friend. I do also have a female best friend that I have been close with and known for more than twenty years. Since the beginning, my boyfriend knows that my best friend's flirtatiousness can go overboard, and that it bothers me. Although I want everyone to be friends, he knows that I prefer he catiously entertain her friendship as he is well aware that I do not appreciate that she is like this with all my boyfriends & well - EVERYONE (male/female-taken or not-her boyfriend there or not), I understand that this is the way she is.

He seems to have always respected this...

Well, since things have become rocky, they have become a bit friendly, and it really bothers me. I have expressed this to him, and he says that I am being silly, and if it were reversed, he'd be fine with my being friends with his friends. He reminds me that I have never had a reason to not trust him (this is truth), so I am being silly.

Am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 5:18pm
Well, you are trying to control him through no fault of his own. You can accept your female friend, but you are having a challenge in accepting your BF of 7 years. Would you want to be controlled like that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:06am

I am trying to control him by asking that he keep a friendship of distance with an overly flritatious friend (of mine)? I am not asking he not be friends with one of his own female friends (which he has, but they do not behave in the same manner), but with this friend of mine because the behavior is unappropriate (again, no matter the person)- and i don't want that to be my man "in the mix"...

I have not made any demand of him or try to have any leash on him of any sort...he lives his own life in every way, but to ask this one thing of him is not right?

If the behavior of your friend with your significant other bothered you, you wouldnt mention anything to your spouse/significant other?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:42am

You're missing the point here. This isn't about your BF's behavior - this is about your friend's behavior and your lack of trust in your BF. Your BF is well aware of your friend's behavior since you have been together for 7 years. In those 7 years has he ever responded to her in an inappropriate manner?

Your BF can not control her behavior - all he can control is his response. You are giving your friend a free pass with no accountability for her behavior at all. She can do anything she wants, but your BF is accountable to react in accordance to your rules and demands. Your friend could strip naked and try to seduce your BF. Nothing would happen with your friend, but he darned well better respond the way you expect.

You need to take some responsibility here too and talk to your friend in terms of what you find acceptable in terms of her behavior when she is around your BF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 12:04pm
It sounds like this only became an issue since things became "rocky" with your man. You should deal with whatever is causing problems within your relationship because it sounds like your are avoiding the real problems by focusing on the behavior between your BFF & your BF that has always existed and you accepted previously. You might also ask your girlfriend to tone it down a bit while you deal with your relationship problems because it makes you feel insecure and you need her support - if you think that would help. It isn't making things better in your relationship to make your BF feel you don't trust him when he hasn't done anything to deserve that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:27pm

Call me crazy, but I seriously don't think your problem is with your boyfriend.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:17pm

thanks for your responses, but please be aware that this is a miniscule piece in a very large puzzle...this is hardly even part of our problems. this is just what i chose to post about to ask an "outside party" if i was being unreasonable (maybe see part of the picture i wan't seeing). Notice - I wouldnt ask anything of too great signifance - I might get my head bitten off.

I understand the statements made in regards to "controlling him" and "trust issues" and so forth...and some of those statements have come off quite harsh. It is not a trust issue at hand with him, it's respecting my wishes when it comes to her behavior and it involving my man. There are times where her presence is unavoidable, so we must all be together in one place. This HAS NOT been an ongoing issue for years (or even months) as the contact we all have together (although unavoidable) is limited. In the instances I wrote about, HE has reached out to her - and she has been the one to tell me - NOT HIM.

I have spoken to her several times in the last several years, but realize this is her - who she is, as she has no qualms about it or who is around (even her own boyfriend). She doesn't see anything wrong with it as "she's just being playful". Maybe it's not the best friendship to have, no matter how long of a time it has lasted. And, right now, that would probably best help out this situation.