"Romance" ending- cause for worry?
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| Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:36am |
I have never said anything; he is a great guy, I trust him, we get along really well. He works a lot, so we don't get do a lot. I see him 2 or 3 times a week, for short durations-I guess we don't have a lot of quality time, and he told me last weekend that he is trying to work that out, he can see at 7 months that it is wearing on me. I'd like to have time to go to a nice dinner, a movie, a day trip for example. We can never do that with his choice to work 7 days a week all of the time. He just asks me to hang in, it won't be like this forever.
I guess I don't really see him going out of his way for much of anything, and maybe I am feeling as if I am being taken for granted. I don't need expensive jewelry, vacations, really upscale dinners. But those little gestures that he used to do meant a lot and I wonder where they went???
Maybe since he is just now starting to talk about our future I am getting scared. Maybe because I have been taken for granted in all of my previous relationships, I am paranoid that I see it happening again.
Should I just shut up that voice inside my head, and be happy that I found a 30-something cute, single, honest, faithful, caring guy with no real baggage, and leave it at that?

I know how you feel cuz' I'm going thru the same situation. My guy used to spend so much time w/ me in the beginning and now we hardly see each other. OUR men have their responsibilities that they need to take care of (of course!), but it would make us feel better and more secure to know that we're still their priority too. I believe a good relationship requires work, that if a person wanted to be in the relationship then they need to be willing to put in the effort to maintain the relationship..it's not fair if only one person is doing all the work to keep everything together. In my previous relationships, I also felt like I was taken for granted, so I guess I get pretty paranoid sometimes when my current bf doesn't feel like spending time or doing anything.
You didn't mention how he acts around you when you guys spend time together...aside from the lack of flowers, cards, and activities, how does he act around you? Is he still physically affectionate, romantic, and makes the most of your time together? From what you said, you really do seem low maintenence and there is nothing wrong w/ asking why he doesn't do the little things he used to. It sounds like he's being understanding about your feelings when he tells you to hang in there and that it won't be like that for long. I say you should just ask him NICELY if he can make time for both of you to go out to dinner or watch a movie once in awhile. That's not being needy or whiny at all. Be careful though cuz' w/ men, there is a fine line between asking for something & complaining. He tells you that things won't be that way forever...what's he gonna' do to change the way things are. If he has a plan of action as to how he can give you more time then this guy is a keeper--but if he just keeps saying that without seeing any changes, then you need to talk to him. If after telling him he still doesn't make any time, then you need to ask yourself if you can really accept the relationship for the way it is and be happy. Give the relationship enough time to evolve more (7 months is not that long, i think) and see.
In the meantime, don't concentrate on the things he doesn't do, but instead of the things he DOES do for you.
He is dependable, honest, doesn't drink (to access) or do drugs, comes from a nice family, etc. But I do feel as if he could put more effort into some areas. I certainly do not mean to concentrate on what he DOESN'T do, (great point), I just wonder why what he used to do...........stopped?
It came up between us last night in a joking way, but he got annoyed. We were talking about the florist that he "uses" and I just laughed and said do you mean "used"? Then it came up that he seriously has not gotten me flowers / or a card in months- even he was suprised when he realized how long it had been. Then he got defensive and told me that now it was brought up he wouldn't want to do either for me, because it wouldn't be a suprise now. Implying that he would feel forced, I suppose.
I dunno, I'm confused- and definitely not ever getting any small tokens of affection from him apparently.
I know it can be frustrating cuz' you want to spend more time w/ him and actually go out and do stuff and he doesn't have time, then ask him nicely to make time. Even if it's something that needs to be planned a month in advance, then at least you'll know how much effort he wants to put into it. But like I mentioned earlier, there is a fine line between asking a man for something and whining about it. I don't think you should bring up the topic of his lack of time/flowers/etc too much cuz then he'll just think your being nitpicky. Learn from my mistake (read my post IS THIS WORTH WORKING OUT and you'll see). Ask him nicely if you guys can do more stuff together and give it time. At least when you actually do bring things up, then he'll know your serious. If he doesn't put more effort eventually then you need to decide if he's making you as happy as you can be or if your willing to see if there's anyone else out there better suited for you.
good luck to u and keep us posted! =)
I'm cruzin over to your post as soon as I can.........
THANKS! : P