Is This Romantic Or Just Creepy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Is This Romantic Or Just Creepy?
5
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:17pm
I recently met a guy I can really see myself not getting bored w/ this past september. He's an amazing and interesting guy, everything I am looking for. We agree on things I have never found any one else on the planet to agree w/ me on. Like how we plan to have a family for example. But we both have a rocky past w/ relationships and we both suck at them. I know what's wrong w/ me, but I can't see these problems coming up w/ him. I just don't know exactly why things didn't work out between him and his other girlfriends. So I was thinking about asking his brother and one of his exes that I am friends w/, gathering information on him that could help me not to make the same mistakes as those other girls did. I'm know he made mistakes too, I'd find those out and find ways to avoid them if possible. I know no relationship is perfect, there will be problems I can't just "find ways around." Is my plan too stalker like? Or is it romantic that no one has ever shown him that much interest? I have talked to him about his past, but he doesn't want to hurt me so he's kind of backing off and saying we should just stay friends. I refuse to except that because he is too good to just let go. But if I know what went wrong in the past it could help me get him to open up. No? Yes? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:46pm
Something I've learned (the very hard way) is to listen when a man says to just remain frineds... There may be reasons for this, more than meet the eye. If he's warning you, LISTEN! People know themselves the best and in the beginning, are the most truthful. It's when we push the situation that things become difficult. (Been there, done that, gotten hurt beyond belief...) Please heed his words. Just remain friends.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 2:09pm
I agree with bklynchik-- hes telling you that for a reason. Trust me, men dont bother "sparing feelings" or anything along those lines. If they want you, they pursue you, bottom line. So there's clearly another reason why he is saying this. Be wary of stepping it up a notch, it is probably wasting time. Sorry...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 2:44pm

living forever...

The only problem you'll have if you choose to "gather information from a brother or an ex" is that your investigative work might BITE YOU IN THE BUTT! Many men often perceive this type of behavior as snooping...and not necessarily an honest desire to get to know us better.

You didn't indicate how long the two of you have been seeing each other, but don't rush the process if there's a spark of chemistry between you. By building up trust...and this WILL take time...you can ask your questions directly to the source.

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 4:07pm

Actually she said in her first sentence that she's only known him since September.

To the OP I would definitely have to reiterate what the others have said. Do not go "gathering information" about him from others. I don't even see how you could put a romantic spin on that one! A relationship is two people getting to know one another through communication and spending time together. It's not about trying to dig into the other person's past through any means possible when they don't open up to you. If he's told you he only wants to be friends that means just that. The only person you'll be hurting by "refusing to accept it" is you. If he felt that you were right for one another for a longterm relationship, he wouldn't have suggested being just friends. AND being a right fit HAS to be a mutual feeling, or it's not a right fit. IOW this guy is not the one for you. It might seem like he is after knowing him such a short time, but he doesn't feel that about you, so however hard that is to accept, you really should.

Also, please realize that it's just part of life that not everyone is right for everyone else. It's not necessarily about what someone did *wrong* that makes relationships not work out. Incompatibility is nobody's fault. I think you need to look at dating and relationships in a different way or you're bound to keep being disappointed and hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 4:33pm
Just creepy.