Rubber band theory

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Rubber band theory
5
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:45am

My boyfriend is really doing this right now......

About two weeks I sensed a real change in him in many ways...our relationship seemed to be reaching a new level. He seemed much more attentive, affectionate, etc.....he brought up the subject of going away for a few days between Christmas and New Years. He asked me to go to the art museum with him and his 11 year old daughter. Before this I had never spent any time with his children. I had a wonderful feeling about the relationship. We spend Friday and Saturday night together last weekend, and went to breakfast on Sunday morning.

This week is a total turnaround. To be fair he is working two jobs and has his kids this weekend +plus was spending Thanksgiving with his mom, but I haven't seen him at all this week. We normally see each other 2-4 times a week and this is the longest that we've gone without seeing each other. On Sunday he told me he'd call me the next day....He didn't. He didn't call me Tuesday either. He did work Monday night, though. Finally on Wednesday, I emailed him to wish him a happy Thanksgiving. He sent an email back to me explaining his Monday and Tuesday and how busy and tired he was. He wished me a happy Thanksgiving and told me to have fun shopping on Friday. He,also, wrote *talk to you soon*.... I called and left a message on his phone on Wednesday night (while he was working) just telling him that I missed him and hoped he had a good day.

I know I won't see him this weekend and I just have to wonder how much is his being busy and how much is his pulling away.......He seems to do that periodically. He had a very bad marriage and I know it hurt him a lot.....Not being with his kids hurts him, too....so take that into consideration...

Any insight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 11:46am

How long have you been dating? How long has he been divorced? Are you a single parent working two jobs? Given his schedule, just when was he supposed to call you? He's genuinely busy.
I think that by introducing you to his child, he's letting you know that he's thinking you'll be in the picture for awhile. You sound like you like him, but feel insecure about him and where this is going. If he's busy with his work or family, you're quick to jump to think it's you and that he's pulling out of the relationship. Have you talked ot him about your fears? Tell him what you need from him. I bet if he's interested in you, he'll do his best to satisfy your needs.

EVeryone's been hurt and everyone has baggage...it's what we do with it and how we cope with it that is of concern to new partners. From what you've shared, I don't see that he's holding you at a distance, but I see that you're insecure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 5:02pm
Hey shazzy, welcome to this board too!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 9:08am

I admit that I'm insecure....but not even any phone calls in 6 days?? Is that insecurity?

I was, also, hoping to get some advice from Pianoguy....are you out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 12:28pm
You didn't say how long you were dating...to me that would make a difference. If we had been dating for six months and he can't sneak in a phone call, I would be upset, but if we were dating two months...not so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 3:22pm

Three months and I think the key idea here is that we haven't gone this long without talking or seeing each other since we got more serious. I saw him 4 out of 8 days last weeek..

I am planning to talk to him about this.....I'm so tired of second guessing him.

thanks so much