The Rules?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
The Rules?
10
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:56am
So.. I want to get some input from the women side of things(although another guy's opinion is fine too) on some of the 'Rules' we seem to be bound by in the dating life.

Since i'm a guy, most of the information I get is from my guy friends, and here is a treatise on some of the things we talk about.

Availability-- don't let her know you are available more than twice a week or she'll think you have no life outside of her.

Phone- don't call just to talk or say hello, and don't call more than once or twice a week.

Comfort- don't make her feel too comfortable around you, make her second guess herself all the time..

We'll just start with those three.. Thoughts? Anyone?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:24pm
My feedback is based on the assumption that you're speaking of the very beginning of a new dating relationship (i.e., the first couple weeks). If that's not the case, let me know. Also, I'm assuming that the women you're pursuing are reasonably emotionally healthy, not needy, game players or women who want "bad boys".

Availability--this isn't quite right. It's not the number of nights you're available, per se, or whether you *appear* to have a life, it's whether you DO have a life. If you do, you don't have to worry about this, it'll take care of itself. You will just naturally not be available every night, because you're living your life.

Phone--in the first couple weeks, I'd say this is good advice. Calls should be pretty much limited to setting up your next date. Get to know each other in person, not through phone calls.

Comfort--I totally disagree with this. If I'm not reasonably comfortable with someone new and don't have a good sense that he's interested in me, my interest wanes quickly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:48pm
sheri..

this wasn't directed at me specifically, just thinking out loud, but yes, it does probably apply to brand-new dating couples. I would hope the girls are emotionally healthy, etc...

I agree with the living your life assessment. I would say doing so also keeps the other person at just enough distance where one is thinking of the other. I know I do that..

It's interesting that a lot of men's perspective is skewed in terms of the comfort level. Bear in mind i'm also not talking about doormat-nice 'n' spineless-guy here either.. Many of the guys I know who are 30-35ish(I'm 40 by the way) seem to believe if their dates aren't in their comfort zone, they'll be more apt to focus their attention on the one person who can provide it at the time, which would be the guy.. I do NOT agree with this one, maybe because i'm a little older and although divorced, I think I know the value of paying attention to someone you're dating.

phone-- what about a few words on a text message or email, such as a 'good morning have a good day' or ?? That also seems to be a topic of contention amongst some guys.

I'm a very black/white type of guy so I have a hard time digesting some of this stuff that people think. It almost seems like the more unwritten 'rules' there are, the more opportunities there are to break them and get a bad rap about one thing or another. didn't always used to be this way did it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:03pm
"I would say doing so also keeps the other person at just enough distance where one is thinking of the other."

Then I would say you playing games. Sheri is saying if you have a life, then all that will naturally take care of itself w/o having to think about it ALL.

I think text messaging is totally cheesy. If you think of something you want to say to her or a reason you want to talk, then CALL. Its more personal...and what more personal r/ship is there? If you haven't seen each other in awhile (for reasons beyond your control) I could see the "hello" message or call...but why not just see each other regularly? Then there would be no need for that?

All the uncomfortable stuff sounds like bull to me. If you can't get my attention, then I'm not interested. Plain and simple. No need to complicate with trying "to keep her on her toes". My bf and I do that...but its intellectual verbal banter to see if we are listening and getting it...no uncomfortableness needed!

JMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:25pm
Gorogue, I think you're misunderstanding me here, just a little.

I was just throwing this stuff out there mostly for discussion, not to see what everyone thinks of what I do or don't do in a dating situation. You make great points though, because it appears you and B/F have clear definitions or expecations.. I wish it was that way all the time.

What I meant about the 'thinking of the other', was not a game playing ploy. I'll bring myself into this here- while i'm out doing my own thing whether it be sports or out with the guys or my kids, i'll have the girl i'm dating in the back of my mind looking forward to talking to her again because I like her. Has nothing to do with games.

The text thing.. I happen to go to work very early in the morning, and we had been out late the night before and I knew she'd be asleep, so I left a text message on her phone just to say good morning.. if someone thought that was cheezy then I guess i'm a cheezy guy.

Absolutely right on the mark about the comfort level remarks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:55pm
What's the context for the text message? How many times have you gone out with the person in question, and have you asked her out for another date already?

If it was sent after our first couple of dates and/or if he hadn't asked me out again, I'd find that message frustrating, I think, because it wouldn't tell me if the guy was interested or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:20pm
we have been out 4 or 5 times in about a month. have not slept together..we do have another date line up.

Context of the text message?

we had been out until about midnight the night before(spent the night in my own bed, alone, fyi..) I had to be at work about 7am. She doesn't get up until 830 or 9.

I was in line at starbucks about 645am thinking about the night before and just typed in "good morning, have a good day"..I had no idea this had such negative connotations.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:46pm
Um...did you actually *read* my post ;-)??? I only said it could be construed as frustrating under the circumstances I gave. After as many dates as you have had and given the fact that you've asked her out again, it sounds fine to me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:46pm
I think the text message you sent was sweet -- nothing wrong with it at all. I would love to wake up to that. I was once in a long distance relationship with someone and he would e-mail me in the morning before work. I loved waking up and hearing from him. JMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: iammrright
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:51pm
As far as the so-called rules go drop them. Drop all of them. Don't spend so much time figuring out what you should or should not do based on what others think. There are too many men out there playing these games and there are alot of us ladies that are sick and tired of th BS. I say be yourself. Do whatever you think is right or what feels right to you. There are still some of us out there that appreciate the old-school mentality. Few and far between sure enough but just be yourself and it will all fall into place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
In reply to: iammrright
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:41am
Just live your life for fun, enjoyment and fulfillment, it's better than headaches.


Edited 5/21/2004 1:57 am ET ET by dannyboone