"The Rules" do or don't???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
"The Rules" do or don't???
2
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:09pm
Ok, so I'm on a dart team and we travel around to other team's bars. Well, one of the guys on another team is absolutely adorable to me. We've only met a couple of times, but I've developed a harmless crush, and am at the stage that I'd like to get to know him better. He's really friendly with his teammates, so I can't tell if he is flirting with me or if I'm just one of the pals, but every now and then on our match nights I catch him semi-checking me out...Down to my question-there's all this hoopla in those cheesey articles, books, websites, etc. that say for anything to blossom into a 'relationship' the guy should make the first move (i.e. ask for my #). At the same time there are the articles, books, etc that say guys like it when the girl makes the first move. Normally I do the latter of the two, but have consistently been unlucky in love...So what do you do when you're attracted to a guy and he may be interested back, but neither one is speaking up? Do I just chalk it up to he must not be into me or do I invite him to coffee (just an example)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 6:07pm

I have had this dilemma recently. I ended up taking the initiative (I was quite nervous!), and it did work! After taking the initiative, I let him get to know me. He has always thanked me for "reaching out". Ofcourse, this guy was taken.

Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong answer (in my opinion) regarding who should take the initiative. I personally definitely like the guy to take the initiative, but when that does not SEEM to be happening for whatever reason, then I take it. Oh, and I think a guy checking out a girl, "sometimes" might not mean much. It may just be that he finds you good looking but has no other plans. A guy friend had told me this. Sometimes, they just look and forget. They might not really be "specially noticing".

Keep no expectations. That helps.
See if you get to be around him some more. Give him a chance to come talk. Make direct eye-contact and smile at him. That should tell him a lot. Maybe you could talk to a trusted person and have you both get introduced? If you are feeling gutsy, there is absolutely no harm in taking a gentle initiative to say hi.

Goodluck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 6:22pm

First, there are no "rules".

Everybody has their own standards, needs, experiences, and expectations - and it allows them to have thier own "set of rules".

So learn to assess facts - while having feelings and desires....and you'll never be without a good operating procedure on your part.

He's checking you out - according to you you've caught him at it...but he's NOT asking you out. Don't read into that "he's too shy" or "he wants me" - he's simply looking at an attractive commodity or object.

Just remember, people stare at freaks - not just "beautiful creatures".

So you might look around you - if you're one of the few female members on these dart teams - you're walking on a borderline in this community of being a 'freak'.......which means you're unique.....but not necessarily in a desirable way. Not undesirable either.

So he's not asking you out. It doesnt mean you can't ask him out.

Asking him out means "doing it like a guy" - guys ask you out "ecause you're attractive and they want a date for this one event or evening".

They don't ask you out because you're attractive, and you MIGHT be smart and funny, and maybe there'll be more to this than dinner or a movie....anything that comes along beyond that THAT THEY ALREADY WANT...they'll take.....but nothing they don't wnat - not matter how well it is presented.

So, if you want to ask him out because he's a cutie, and whatever happens - happens....be it yes with no follow up, yes with a follow up, no with no reasoning, no with a reason...do it.

But that makes it imperative that you know what you want.....before you ask him out.

What you do - can't only be "okay to do" - if you get "X" result, but it's not okay to do if you get a "Y" answer.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com