Sabotage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sabotage?
3
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:34pm
I've been seeing my boyfriend since August. A very short time, but I feel very strongly for him... dare I say... love him. I've been having this problem lately that makes me feel like whatever he does/says/feels is never enough. I'm not sure if it's incompatability in relationship styles (it's been quite a long time since his last relationship), or if it's his extreme independence, or if it's really just me. I feel like he sometimes just pushes me away. I'm affectionate... not overly PDA, but I like for my boyfriend to maybe hold my hand or walk closer to me or be a bit more open about the fact that he is indeed my boyfriend.

Last night, I blew up at him. I got tickets to a football game and I also invited my girlfriend to come and bring a date. Her date cancelled last minute so it was just the three of us. We met at my house, and his pulling away began. He's had a "cold" for a few days (consists of a sniff here and there and the occasional cough every hour or so, but he is sick, he's not lying- I swear), and he refused to kiss me because "he might get me sick". Last night, he pecked me on the lips, and I made a joking comment that we're back to "mouth kisses" now, and he immediately pushed me away. After that, he proceeded to just "do his own thing". He is very charming and interesting to our friend, but I get a cold shoulder. At the game, he spent the majority of the time standing with our friend between us. When I confronted him about it (his behavior toward me vs. his behavior to everyone else around him), he got majorly pissed at me. He felt that he did not behave out of the ordinary, has a great explanation for everything that I bring up (ie. I couldn't see so I had to stand over there... I was not talking to you because you were pissed at me... don't even SAY that I was flirting with our friend...) I know that I was also at fault, but he pushed me away, and I tried not to push back, but instead he just happily plodded off in the other direction. He says that he doesn't realize the way he's treating me and he doesn't mean to, but I feel like I'm often (not always) the victim of unrequited love. It makes me sick and nervous.

Am I sabotoging my relationship with this guy? Our fight last night was pretty bad, but we managed to resolve things and I ended up telling him that I think maybe the problem with me is that I DO love him and that I am placing so much weight on his actions. I'm really unsure if I'm expecting too much from him, and I'm unsure if I'm reading his signals wrong. It seems as though he REALLY cares about me, and when we are together, he's VERY attentive. When we are apart, he calls often (3-7 times a day!). It's just moments like last night that make me think twice. We definitely made up. He was very sweet to me last night after our talk, but it's still weighing heavily on my mind. He's already called once today.

I'm not typically a needy person. I'm very independent and successful. I have a great job and I am also a full time grad student. He finally got his undergrad degree this past summer, is looking for a job, but maintains his valet parking job. Sometimes I feel like he is possibly emasculated by my drive. He is also the one in the relationship that regulates our time spent together. I have typically just stopped inviting him to do things with me, and I let him hold the riegns. We sleep over only every other night as per his schedule. Oh, and he won't go down on me. What's up? Is he hogging the power? Am I giving up too much power? I'm sorry this turned out to be long... I just wanted to get it all out. Thanks in advance for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: faaabulous
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 3:43pm
faabulous...

Your post is a clear indication about why men LIKE to flirt! Only problem is...did your g/f flirt back?

If the answer is yes...you have a problem. And you better address her first if she's coming on too strong? (Somehow I doubt this is the case)

If the answer is no...you're overreacting and YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THE WHOLE DEAL!

What puzzles me is this? The 2 of you have only been dating since August...and this is the month of October. Are you sure YOU AREN'T RUSHING YOUR RELATIONSHIP faster than the b/f wants to?

Suggestion...if you wanna take it! Calm down, back off, and perhaps "apologize" to him? Explain that you got a little carried away with your feelings because they seem to be "getting stronger everyday" for him! (I'm paraphrasing the group CHICAGO and one of their tunes here).

As for his cold...the LAST THING Pianoguy would want to do is share a 'germ or 2' with a g/f...no matter how much he loved her! WHY?

Because she'd NEVER stop teasing me about it after she's confined to her bed with a cough, cold and a 100 degree temperature! What man needs that kind of grief???

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: faaabulous
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 3:59pm
Rather than "confronting" him (which sounds like you put him on the spot), why not say, "look, I was hurt when you didn't tonight. Next time we're out, would you mind ? I'd really appreciate it." Then drop it and see what he does next time.

However, if you've TOLD him what you want from him, and he's not making an effort to meet you halfway, then you either need to accept him AS IS, or end the r'ship, because he's basically given you notice that he's not going to change. That doesn't make him bad or wrong, just incompatible, unless YOU are willing to accept him as he is.

As for the sex issue, that's something you'll need to ASK him directly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: faaabulous
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 6:31pm
Thankyou NWW and Pianoguy VERY VERY much for your advice. To answer any questions: Yes, the friend did flirt back, but I'm pretty sure it was harmless. The friend is involved w/ a couple other guys, and I'm very confident that neither one of the involved parties would actually persue anything... it was just having to feel third-wheel-ish whilst fuming about being "ignored". I've apologized for my behavior, and I've really calmed down since the incident. I'm an overreactor... yup. Hopefully things will last regardless of the fast moves. NWW, I really appreciate your very practical advice, that's really the kind of "If, Then" that I needed!! I hope ya'll have a great day!!!