sabotaging myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2006
sabotaging myself?
4
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:14pm
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago, and it was instant sparkage. We have a ton in common, we make each other laugh, the sexual chemistry is amazing, and he makes it very clear that he REALLY wants to be around me (asking "when can I see you again?" etc). This is exactly what I've been waiting for ever since my last relationship ended four years ago. I believe he's ready to explore this relationship further, he said he didn't know he could fall for someone so quickly, and I feel the same. It hit us both out of the blue. The problem is me. I keep waiting for the bottom to drop out, because inevitably it always does. He's angry because I'm lumping him in a category that he feels he doesn't belong in. He's stated numerous times that he's very blunt, and if he wasn't into this, he'd tell me. This is new territory for me, I'm used to men disappearing. I'm so angry with myself because it's ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS! He told me that we shouldn't be disagreeing with each other after only two weeks, and it's not something that he wants to deal with. He just wants to take it day by day, and see where the road takes us. He's right! As my subject line states, I feel I'm sabotaging this before it even starts, and I DON'T WANT TO! I really like this guy. Last night I panicked b/c he sent a text message that said "we need to talk" which I immediately interpreted as "call me so I can dump you". Turned out he was in the hospital for five hours, but I jumped on it saying "let's get this over with". He was not impressed. I have this really bad habit of over-thinking things and I can't seem to stop. He's done absolutely NOTHING to make me doubt his intentions, if anything, he's been nothing but honest with me. He's getting raked over the coals and I hate myself for it. I am hoping he'll give me another chance, because I really want to see where this is going to go. I mean, we're still learning about each other, and so far, what he's learning about me is not good.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:26pm

It sounds like you could really benefit from working with a counselor, particularly one who is cognitive behavior modification based. Otherwise, if you keep reacting to feelings without examining the thoughts behind them and seeing if you can change the thoughts (and therefore the feelings and therefore the actions), then this will probably keep happening in future relationships, if this doesn't work out.

In the meantime, though, it sounds like the best thing you could do for yourself would be to enlist the help of a trusted, reasonably sensible friend to be your coach through this. Make yourself NOT react right away to things like the text message and talk to your friend first to come up with a response that is not reactionary.

And remember that what you want to be doing in this early stage of the relationship is *observing* and filing information away. Time will tell if the two of you are compatible or not. But if you want to have a chance of things working out, work on not reacting right away and taking some time to THINK.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:47pm
You put into words what I've been considering. Seeing a counsellor that is. However, I'm not sure how to go about finding one that specializes in what you cognitive behaviour modification something something ;) I live in Canada. Have any leads on how to start looking?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:54pm

I would start with your regular doctor and see if you can get a list of referrals from him or her. It's a good idea to interview several therapists to see who is the best "fit" for you. Friends who've gone to counseling can also be a good resource.

You might want to also do some online searches on cognitive behavior therapy (sometimes called CBT) and read up on it a bit so you know a little more about what it is and see if it appeals to you. You might also find therapists who specialize in that by doing an online search for your area, but it's better if you can get a personal referral, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 3:27pm

Sheri,

A million times, thank you. I hope it's not too late with this guy, but if it is, I want to find out why I do what I do and stop it! Thank you!