SAD AND CONFUSING
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| Thu, 05-24-2007 - 7:11pm |
Is it ok to be in love with 2 people at the same time? How do I choose? What do I need to tell myself? I took the courage to get out of the marriage and I am now separated. I used to like this other person 9my ex BF) who I have roamed and moved with for five years but unfortunately we could not marry. I will come back to my ex-boy frnd topic later. But in my heart of hearts I know my husband (we are married for 7 y) loves me a lot and he is also now ready to change for me after all these years and after I have gone through pains and disappointments. So, we never had this chemistry from day one or let me put it this way- he did not advance towards me for an intercourse and when I thought about it, I used to feel I will be ok tomorrow or he might make any move soon. But he kept telling me he did not feel like having sex with me because we used to argue a lot and he used to give his opinions over anything and everything, I was a 23 yr old girl who usually agrees to people she trusts and loves, has hopes inside her that he will understand her better as days goes by. But his demands kept growing, even though I knew he was telling everything for good or for my own benefit it usually was over protective nature of him telling me to agree with him. He made me feel he knows everything be it buying a house or me wearing closed shoes instead of open heels! I did not like how he used to give his opinions on me or advice me when I did not want to hear any. So we never spent time with each other like other couples who talk cute stuff when newly married, who cannot separate from each other or who hold hands on roads and take a long walk, or who will forget thinking about his wife at least when we are newly weds. When we flew from India and came here when I got married- I remember he used to be involved reading a magazine in the plane and even though he helped with all everything in a plane, he used to not be that person who could show commitment in a marriage in terms of compromising or making adjustments. So, from day one he used to have this in mind that if he allows me to take any decisions, then I will take over control of every other decision too in future. He was usually hesitant to give out his savings account balance he did not completely trust me even though he gave me lots of money and comfort. But he was also insecure from his past experiences in his life before we got married. I have talked over all this a lot, tried to explain to him that he has to now start compromising a bit, adjust with me and I will also do the same. That is how marriage works. But for what ever reason, I used to finally hate to even listen to his small advice or anything obvious he wants to tell me. I began to hate his voice even. I had high hopes he will see that something is wrong and he will go to a counselor or even by himself goto a psychiatrist without telling me. I would have been fine with whatever he did for making this marriage work. But no- he had this huge ego or whatever that he would not discuss our personal issues with anyone outside.
Anyways, the point is this. we both like each other, but he has been with me like a room mate. U know- just having fun, masturbating and getting satisfied- he never after the wedding night even got a condom and made sex to me. So yes, I got frustrated I was always tired and lost hopes. I decided to leave him becx I could no longer take this BS form him. He used to talk but no action. Today I am this close to applying for a divorce. But he says he will change, he is already attending a therapist session and he thinks we can make this work. He now says he was wrong all these years and he DOES NOT KNOW why he did not make any sex moves. All he says even today is because we were fighting, he was always tired and he used to sleep in weekends. I feel sad today to leave him but at the same time, he waited for me to leave the house and he is telling all this now? Why did he not sit back and stop our marriage slipping? Why did he not tell me sorry- I am behaving like a jerk, control freak..lets forget the past and I promise I will compromise and adjust with you. Now, he also knows I am a ambitious career oriented girl and he has seen me crying and being sad many days. Even though he used to hug me say sorry- I never felt it true becx the next day he would still be the same person who would tell me not hang any pictures on wall in the living room! He was just so different type. And I am someone who is usually easy going, I expect love, romance and spontaneouity in life.
So I am now in touch with my ex boyfrnd but he is married. But since one year I have been discussing everything going with me and he knows what I am, what I feel. He never told me to take any step this way or that way. He used to listen to me and I used to vent out everything to him. He sometimes feels I have given my husband too big a chance to correct and if he did not see this coming then he is a fool. And I should move on. I have spoken to my brother, my friends and all of them are of same opinion too. All I know is my ex BF still loves me and I still love him. But the problem is he is less educated than me and I am afraid this might be a problem later in our life. But nevertheless, what do u all think I should do? I even have my lawyer proceed with the paper work for divorce. And here is my husband telling me- ok, even if we have a divorce, we will think about getting back together again. We both need a break and I am also confused. So only if I want the divorce, he is ok with it. But if I don’t want the divorce, he is ok with living separately too. He thinks he is changed now and that he made a mistake. And I should forgive him becx there are my mistakes too and he thinks even I lacked the interest in sex! (even though I used to wear sexy night dress- he never made any move)

He is sexually all right dear. We have had a long talk and he also relaizes that he is sexually ok. But his doctor told him he has not tried having sex and hence he is not confident andf that might have prevented him again to make a move on me. He is a highly egoistic person thats all i can say. He knew he was doing this wrong-but yet he took me for granted and he thought he can keep getting things his way.
Sigh. I just wrote all this becx I wanted to firt get it out of my system and second to make others know what kind of men exist. He still loves me and I l ike him too- but I cannot like him as a husband! He took 6 years to realize that I need to be treated like a woman? A big F.
Hi, I had a marriage like yours and finally realized that deep down my husband did not love me. He acted like your husband, so over time, I came to despise him deeply. Your husband may be trying to get you back because you've been taking his crap so long and that's the kind of woman he likes around him.
If you want to go back with him, I would say that you two should go to counseling to find out if he really loves you and if he is really interested in changing. If he refuses to go, you have your answer on whether or not he will ever put you first and consider your feelings. You deserve to be happy, I wouldn't live another day in a marriage like you have.
Your bf is married, if you pursue him now, you will be breaking up a family. That's your choice to make as to whether or not you want to do that.
"But his doctor told him he has not tried having sex and hence he is not confident" - I guess his insecurities got the better of him in bed and out of bed because his lack of confidence made him very controlling. If you do not love him as a husband, and there is no way to get that feeling back, then it is best that you part ways. Sometimes men do too much bad and your opinion of them changes to one where you would have never gotten involved with them in the first place if you saw them for who they really were. Your heart closes off to them (for good reasons) and it can't be reopened.
"He knew he was doing this wrong-but yet he took me for granted and he thought he can keep getting things his way." -- so his need for control was more important than you or the love you two shared...selfish.