say yes to marriage proposal???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
say yes to marriage proposal???
5
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 9:10am
last year i ended a serious long term relationship (5 years)and started dating again. i met a man who i am still currently seeing, and things have progressed to the point where i think he may propose very soon. he is 42, 16 years my senior, and never married. i've already confronted other issues of him checking out other women in my presence and the fact that he does a lot of reminiscing about his past bachelor years, which makes me feel like one of many. he says that he has enjoyed his life, he wants to share everything with me and that he's never come close to making a commitment with anyone else but me. the problem is, i recently discovered (2 weeks ago) that while he was seeing me last summer, he spent several weekends w/his ex girlfriend who lives in another state. i knew that he also had just come out of a long term relationship, but as he explained it to me, things were over between them. all of these issues have compounded with the recent discovery and killed my personal confidence and trust in our relationship. i feel like a crazy lady. when i confronted him recently about my discovery, he tried to rationalize by saying that because we were not bf/gf then that we should not be affected now, and that he needed to find out for sure if i was right for him/if things were really over b/t them, etc. he said he'd take it back if he could, but he feels those actions lead him to the right place, which is with me. i'm hurt and confused. he lied to me about those weekends he was away and now i feel that our relationship is based on lies. he also admitted to me that she did not know about me. for some reason, he thinks that his actions weren't completely dishonest just because i wasn't his official girlfriend. prior to finding out about this things have been wonderful. we have done a lot of traveling, talked about our future, kids, marriage, everything. in fact, we are scheduled to leave for a 3 week trip to europe in 12 days (a birthday present from him), and due to comments he's made for the past few weeeks and weird hints, i really feel that a proposal may be immediately around the corner. he's excited for europe, and i'm worried about how he'll act when we get to the topless beaches in france. all of a sudden he's now classified as a womanizer in my mind. prior to learning about his "ex fling" i would have said yes to spending my life with him, but now i'm so angry and confused i can barely stand to be in his presence. i feel i can't trust him at all and i feel like such a fool!!! please help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:27am
Sounds to me like you've made up your mind to say no. This guy is still a bachelor, still likes to party, still likes to live it up. Take a good look at that, because that WILL not change. He will continue to do all the things he does now, people may change a few habits, but lifestyles- no.

While I'm sure it's been fun for you with this guy, listen to your heart. If you have any doubts, it's not fair to get married. Marraige is supposed to be for life. NEVER SETTLE. You are only 26, you do not need to marry the first guy that asks (I'm assuming that he's the first)

Also, he is quite a bit older than you. Have you two talked about what you want from life? Where you want to live, where you see yourself in 5 years, whether you want kids. A guy that age is getting close to the point that he may never WANT children. My mother and father were 44-46 when I had my son- I don't see my father wanting a new baby at that age, he was happy to be a grandfather.

Go and forget what he said about the ex. Remember, he chose YOU. Go to Europe and have some fun, and if he DOES ask, tell him you will need time to think about it. Do not commit to anything until you have had time to think. You don't want to end up a divorce statistic when you knew you would not be happy with this guy in the first place.

But heck- go have fun in Europe!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 1:18pm
alison-

what a great point that he may have changed some habits but not his lifestyle. how do i miss these things?? sometimes it's so hard to see that something is just not good for you! what's funny about this whole thing is that i never thought of saying no, but something in my subconscious must have surfaced in my message. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 2:51pm
hey, it took me 4 years of engagement to figure out that I didn't want to be there. You don't need to be with someone you are not completely happy with- in other words DON'T SETTLE!!! You cannot hope to change someone, you can only hope to find someone you don't have problems with. Being a party animal is ok in high school and college, but face it- you have to grow up. Not saying that as you get older you stop having a good time, but it just means that there's more important things to focus on. I'll admit that I enjoy a good night out drinking and dancing- but do I want to do that all the time? no.

Listen to that inner voice, it has a lot to say.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:57pm
I didn't see in the original post where it said he was "partying" and acting like a college student? He spent a couple of weekends with his xgf when they first started dating...honestly I think she is making a bigger deal out of it bc she is not ready to get married (if you weren't exclusive, what is the issue?)...and in that case, she should wait until she is sure.

Just my two cents...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 7:03pm
Perhaps she is making a big deal of it, but even if they weren't 'exclusive' at the time, he still lied to her about it and that is disrespectful and wrong. He is obviously capable of being deceiptful and it makes me wonder why.

I say, excercise caution here. If you are feeling uncertain about him you better heed your own warnings.


Edited 7/9/2004 7:04 pm ET ET by bluemarlin_girl

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi