screwy situation....pls help me!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
screwy situation....pls help me!!!
4
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:44am
Ok, where to start...umm, I have been friends with this guy for almost 5 years...we tried dating a couple years ago, but didn't work out the way we thought it would, so now we are back to square one...we have pretty much been like peas and carrots ever since....we hang out everyday, talk everyday.. he has his own place...so I am there everyday.. it is a pretty messed up friendship, we are almost like a married couple, if you hung out with us you would think we were an item....he is 21, and I am 25...we have casual sex, we cuddle, we almost flirt...there is so much sexual tension between us...so then we realize that our friendship is weird, so we stop screwing around, saying it "isn't right" but that never lasts, and we are back at it again... I asked him once why we aren't togehter, and he said to me that he doesn't think I am romantic, and I make a joke out of everything...I know I do, but it is because I have never had a guy show me that kind of affection, and I am insecure, and I just laugh it off, but deep down I love it so much...I love him so much, he does alot for me, our parents often question what we are...my friends all think it is screwy that we just don't go out... and when him and I were together I was kinda clingy, so in the last 2 and a half years I have changed so much, and I know he sees it but maybe is just scared I will go back to the way I was...we barely fight, he get along really good...so I just don't know where we stand...I know for a fact that if him or I got someone new, they would never approve of our friendship(and I don't blame them one bit)we are 100% comfortable with eachother...he lost his virginity to me, we just share so much...we are everything but the "title" so can anyone help me figure this mess out...because if nothing is going to ever come of it, I don't want to waste my time when I could go find someone who is going to be with me!!! even if I got a new man, would that open his eyes??? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 1:07pm

Hello Mrs. Robinson.

Honey, this guy is 21 years old. He has no clue about his beliefs, goals, standards, or needs or how to meet and achieve them appropriately at this point.

He's totally unqualified to choose a partner based on anything but in the moment need or gratification.

That's why a relationship between you won't work. HE doesn't want a relationship - he likes SOME of the benefits of a relationship - hanging out without "fear' of loss or rejection, sexual interaction......but he doesn't want the obligation of a relationship - to consider your needs, feelings, and goals appropriately with is own and make all decisions and actions basedon both sets of those elements equally.

He's not "relationship" material....and he doesn't want to date you. He has no reason to dress up, take you out - he doesn't see you "in that way". Where you're going to be terribly hurt at some point is when he's dressing up and you're there- to go out on a date with a 'real woman" - who hasn't settled for hanging out and hooking up and being his bed buddy. IT's one thing to be someone's lover...that is not "hanging out and hooking up". But what you're doing doesn't qualify. There's no effort on his part in order to be with you in any capacity, there's the option to be with you as he is - for his needs and on his terms. That's why you're not "date material".

You're in the situation where you two could "make a deal" - we can continue to have casual sex and friendship and if we're 45 and we're not married yet - then we'll consider marrying one aonther. While of course in the next 20 years - each of your date other people,sleep with other people, form relationships that might or might not last, change jobs, pursue your careers and individual lives.

Rarely do those arragements come to fruitiion...but if it'd make you think you have a safety net so that you can get out and get on with life - have the discussion.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 2:11pm

I have no problem giving your relationship a title, "Friends with Benefits" aka FWB. You are not in a romantic relationship because this man does not want to have a romantic relationship with you.

If this does not suit you, you need to quit communicating with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 3:15pm
Thanks for the replies so far...you are right, we are nothing but FWB...and even though I know it is wrong, deep down I think something could come of it...and I know nothing will...It just sucks you know? someone your sooooo close too, so comfortable around, and knowing you "can't" have them is the worse feeling in the world...I always said I wanted some space to figure s#@t out, but how? like I am serious when I say him and I have been inseperable for the last 5 years...we have had our ups and downs, but we are such close friends...and it would be so hard to just cut all ties from him...maybe that is all in my head...if anyone has been in this situation and succeeded please HELP ME TOO!! any time we try to be "normal" friends because we know what we do isn't right...we find ourselves comforting eachother as if we were together...I don't know...I wish I would of never let myself get into this kinda mess!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 3:35pm
It really is up to you to cut ties with this man. You might feel comfortable with him and very close, but it doesn't sound like this relationship is taking you where you want to go. You can either stay comfortable and stuck in this rut, or move on. It is really up to you.