Seeing 2 guys at once........
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Seeing 2 guys at once........
| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:39pm |
Here is my delimma....I am sort of seeing/chatting with two guys at once and feeling really bad about it becuase someone is going to get hurt. I see the one every weekend and talk to him daily either through email, IM or the phone. The other I also talk to daily (usually email but he does call a couple times a week) but we have not gone out yet because our schedules are not meshing. We are going out next weeked though after he gets back from a business trip. I really like both of them but can't make a choice right now. Neither one has asked if I am seeing anyone else and I have not kissed either one so I am thinking that it is alright but I still feel really wierd about it. My friends are saying that it is fine because neither has asked if I am seeing anyone else therefore I am not lying to anyone but I am afraid that the one guy will soon and I want to see what happens with the other guy as well in terms of getting to know him. I just feel like the second guy has more of the long term goals that I have as well as the deisre to have a family and the values that go along with it. Of course to top it off this guy is of a different race so my family is going a little nuts w/ that one. Any advice out there?

My general rule is that until exclusivity is discussed and agreed to, we are both free to see others. I don't lie about it if anyone asks, but if no one asks I don't bring it up. And I don't sleep with any of them until we are exclusive.
In time you will know which, if either of them, you want to be with. Don't try to rush yourself, get to know them first. And have fun! :)
I have to second ginger202 on this one. No one has made any commitments yet. You are not leading anyone on. In fact, you are practicing the true definition of dating. "X" number of dates does not a boyfriend make. Just have fun and allow yourself the time and effort to make the decision that's best for you.
Cheers,
Ivy
I second what's been said so far, and would just add that if one of them does ask you about dating others or to date him exclusively before you're ready to do so, I would say something like this by way of explanation: "I like to take my time and get to know someone before deciding to date exclusively.
Have you have you given the first guy the impression that you are his "girlfriend?" You say you see him every weekend and talk daily. How long has this been going on? If it's been more than a couple of months, you might want to initiate a discussion about your relationship and make sure he understands that you are BOTH free to date other people.
Good luck!
There have been times in my life where I was seeing several guys at the same time. Mind you I wasn't having sex with any of them, and none of them had broached the subject of an exclusive relationship. I had times where I was asked out more than once on the same night several times a week. And once, when a new guy asked me out, I told him I was seeing other guys, and I couldn't handle one more. During that time of my life I learned alot about myself, and about the qualities I want to see in a potential partner. And now fewer men are appealing to me, because I know what I like!
The good thing about casual dating, and seeing more than one guy at a time is that it gives you perspective - and keeps you from moving too fast.
I think it's the healthy thing to do. Have fun. Get to know some people. Learn about yourself and what you want in a relationship. It's all good.
One more thing... guys like to be the one to decide when the relationship becomes exclusive. Don't let anyone talk you into that before you are ready. Some guys will ask for exclusivity just to keep you from other guys, not because they are sure about their feelings for you.
good luck, and have fun!
:)
I'm inclined to agree with you. You sound like a very thoughtful and considerate person to me. When I was in my early twenties, I tended to get involved in situations such as you describe. (Sometimes tended to have advanced further.) There were no "Rules" then, not that I think there are really any now. I can tell you that I both inflicted and had inflicted on me a great deal of pain in situations similar to yours. Now, I would be much, much more cautious in letting my feelings go. And most of all, I would try to be really upfront with what's going on in my life with both these guys.
I would try to avoid getting into a situation like you're in. People can say that you hardly know these guys, and it might be true, but intense feelings can become involved before you know it. It may sound corny in our jaded age, but some people really do fall in love vey quickly sometimes. And they can get hurt very badly when it turns out someone else had completely different intentions and understandings. Of course, this is true even when people show the utmost consideration for one another.
If I was involved in a situation like you describe -- I would try to avoid it, but I know it happens all the time (I'm not saying to me now, I mean in general) -- I would tell both people how things stand as soon as I thought there was any chance of serious interest. Some people would say this is just playing games, or trying to make them jealous, but I say baloney, it's just being honest and considerate. It really can't hurt to clear the air.
I also think it's a good idea to hold back physically, as you say you have done. Again, different levels of intimacy may mean vastly different things to different people. I personally feel, having been there and done things I regret, that holding back until one is ready to concentrate on one person, is the best course for all concerned. At least as far as I'm concerned! But, everyone is different.