Seeing A Married Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Seeing A Married Man
8
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:33pm
Hello,
Haven't posted on here for awhile.
I just need a bit of advice.
I recently started talking to a guy online, met him on a dating site. When we first started to talk, he came right out and told me he was separated for about a year and has kids. I was fine with that, but 2 weeks into us talking, his wife and kids moved back in with him, for financial reasons.
He tells me alot about his situation at home and what happens with her. He does plan on divorcing her in time, but it will take a while til that happens.
We talk everyday at least 4-6 times. We have only seen each other twice, met for drinks and he came over and watched a football game on Sunday.
I told him it was best if we were just friends for now, until things get settled with him, cause in the back of my mind I know he is still married, even though he says things are over.
Am I wrong doing this and should I just end it now???? Or should I hold out and see what happens????
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Jokobo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:45pm

Well....ask yourself a few questions and see if the answers will meet your needs.

First, he's not married, still "letting her and the kids live there for financial reasons". That reality alone says that she's not financially independent, likely never will be - and what independence financially that she gets will be because "he provides it". Whether he pays her rent so that she and the kids can live on their own...or with him - he's going to pay.

Are you willing to sacrifice a good portion of your joint money should you form a relationship - to "better her life because of the kids". Because what can't happen is im refuse to better her life - she has his kids. If he were to get primary custody - that would be different. But obviously he's not pursued nor pursuing that at this time, and likely never will.

Second, realize that there's two sides to every story and yo'ure getting only his. He's telling you how miserable it is, but how he can't afford to pay her to beindependent, and how he doesn't want to lose his kids....and then he spends time doing the only thing with you he can afford financially and in his situation - he "hangs out at your place watching football".

So, are you willing to hang out, resisting the hooking up, letting this situation go on ad finitum because he lacks funds to "make her independent" and get on with the divorce......in short, are you going to put off dating other people, and possibly falling in love with someone - so that you can "hang out with him and see what happens?" While knowing that he's not yet divorced, unable to pursue divorce, and will never be financial very welloff, and still be liable for kids?

You've known this guy a total of 6-weeks on line...that means that you've had a couple of face to face contacts.....you don't know his character or his values at all. You have no real clue if what he's saying is factual....or if she was off with the kids on a vacation while he told you they were separated and now she's back and knows nothing about their "impending divorce or her financial poverty".

There is no way that there is any sort of factual knowledge about this guy - there has not been enough interaction. What you've had is lots of conversation which leads ot projection and assumption...but none of that is facts.

So, review the facts.

You're saying that you're not going to do anything but "be friends" - with a guy that is married, with no real imminent change in that status in the near future, due to financial obligation and children.

Most women would NOT hang out with someone in his situation "waiting to see if something could result some day"...and those that have would tell you "you'll be the rebound girl".

You'll end up caving in to his wanting to "get physical" and you'll believe that this portends more when the future allows...and you'll settle for never being dated becuase "he can't date - he's married"......and then if and when his divorce ever is final he'll figure out that he's not as broke as he thought, he's not as desperate as he thought, and he's certainly more optioned on female companionship than when he was married - and he'll tell you that he's got to have space and get himself together.

Know what..he won't be lying..and he wont' have "led you on". If you end up there - you'll have tkane you there - he won't have put you in that position.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:14am

Hi,

He tells you that she has moved back in and is staying there for financial reasons and he does plan on divorcing her in time. My husband told a woman he was seeing the very same thing... not that I was back home due to financial reasons because I had never left but that I was there because of financial reasons and that he was planning to divorce me. That was all news to me when I found out. We were definitely not together for financial reasons, we could easily have made it on our own on our own finances. Plus he never did divorce me, I divorced him when I found out. Married men will say anything to a mistress to get her to stick around. 9 times out of 10 they never leave the spouse. Usually when there is a divorce due to infidelity it is because the victim spouse dumps them for being unfaithful. Also, the cheating spouse usually begs the spouse not to leave them and that they will 'never do it again, she meant nothing'. Also, keep in mind that what goes around comes around. Leave him alone to try to work out his marriage. Even if there isn't any hope, do you want to be one reason the marriage broke up? I wouldn't want to have that on my conscience. If he does divorce his spouse and then comes back to you, that's different but for the now, please end it with him. Adultery is so painful to the spouse that is being cheated on... I know first hand. Good luck. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:35am
What would you be telling your best friend, your cousin or your daughter if they got caught up in this scenario? You would tell them that they were falling for the world's oldest line and to get a grip.
Married is married. Tell him to look you up when the divorce is final. IN the meantime, find yourself someone who is AVAILABLE to do more than chat with you periodically and to stop by whenever he can sneak you in. Find someone who can proudly take you out and show you off to his family and friends. That's what you deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:56am
In my opinion I would say that you are definitely wasting your time. Married men should always be off limits until they are divorced men. Whether or not they are breaking up, he's not happy, she's a cheater, etc, etc, He's still that lady's husband and I would respect that. If the tables were turned you would not appreciate it if some woman pursued your husband with the knowledge that he is married. Plus there are kids involved here.... All of this spells a situation that you should steer clear of. It can not possibly result in anything positive for you.
Just my thoughts!
Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 12:42pm
ok so i would just see what happens. just be prepared for it not working. The trouble is that as much as we try we cannot predict the future so you can analyze it and waste time over thinking it but in the end you just never know. You say you just want to be friends for now. So do just that and be honest with yourself. If you are feelign like you cant just be friends then maybe its just not the place for you right now. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:11pm
Hello jokobo,
Bellina Fair here,greetings! I generally agree with the other ladies on this matter
of mixed emotions.However,you'd be compromising your self worth if you consider
anything more than friendship.Until he gets closure from his marittal status,with
a proper divorce,don't promise anything more than friends.I would try to end letting
him have a sureness of your in home dates until he decides to get serious and reach
a resolution of his wife and kids,arranging for financial support.This would be an
honorable thing for him to do for his families needs being a responsible parent.However,
if he wants to have his pudding and eat it too,say you're not just the flavor of the month!Let him know if you're getting romantic and feel love,he'll have to end his marriage
or there can't be any further intimacies de le couer,love affair in sight! Sorry luv
if I sound harsh,merely been there and got my heart shattered in bits.Look out for
your best interests.Despite your deep passions,feelings,etc. know that they're alot of available,uncomplicated,single fellows just waiting for that special gal to capture their
hearts,minds and souls.Guess what that special gal can be you,who's worth loving fulltime in lieu of parttime lover as the song goes...Find someone who can sing Olivia's (Grease)song..Hopelessly devoted to you!Don't be too accomadating to him. Best wishes.Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:03pm
Hello again,
I just want to thank you all that responded to my post.
You are all right in what you said. I have felt very guilty from the beginning when I knew she was back living with him. If she wasn't then, it might be a different story.
I know I have to just tell him how I feel about his whole situation and tell him I have feelings too and I know I will be the one that gets hurt in the long run.
Thanks again,
Jokobo
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 7:44am
Unless the wife knows about the friendship than it's still deceptive and not marked with real good intentions. I could see having a friendship with someone but not without the wife knowing, because then the intentions are for more.