Seeing a married man with extra problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Seeing a married man with extra problems
15
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:01pm
Hi, I'm 22 and currently seeing a married man. We both fell in love by accident. He was never looking for another woman, and I was in the process of breaking up with my (now ex) boyfriend. The day he knew that I was also attracted to him, he told me that he is married with 4 kids and wanted to get a divorce asap. His wife and kids is currently living abroad, but sometimes they visited him for 2-3 weeks. He is 19 years older than me, but we have almost everything in common. He said that sex wasn't a problem in his marriage; it was the way his wife behaved and treated him. I've met his wife; she was a very rude and abusive person. Everyone who knew her knows that she takes him for granted even though she loves him. They fought a lot, sometimes in public. She has a serious problem but she doesn't want to do anything with it: Once, she put a knife on her 8-months-old son's neck just because her husband didn't come home on time. About 2 months ago, she had her 14-year-old son arrested for insulting her. A few weeks ago, she found out about her husband's affair with me and threatens to commit suicide if he continue with the divorce procedure. The man I'm in love with is worrying about his kids' safety and mental clearness in thinking, since they were always under his wife's care. Now, he doesn't know what to do. If he continues the divorce procedure and she killed herself, he will lose his children's support and he can't live with that since they are his life. Otherwise, he will lose me and continue living in hell. His wife is also terrorizing me, by phone and e-mails. So far she only knew that her husband and I kissed a couple of times, no one could tell what she will do if she knew I've slept with him a few times. My friends told me to quit this future-less relationship, but I really love him, I never felt a love so deep like this one, and I think it's too late now that his wife is obsessed to find out where I live and wanted to confront me. What should I do? If there is still a way to save our relationship, what should we do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:43pm
Hello cyrian, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:01pm
You have no idea if all he is telling you has any truth and of course your perception of her is colored by your own selfishness - she is rude and abusive? What about you, being involved in breaking up a marriage? You are a cute little sex toy to him and even if he gets a divorce - and even if you stand by him and support him by having sex with him whenever he wants (please don't whine about loving him - those feelings are based on lust and your own self-absorption - loving is giving - what are you giving him other than sex and more problems with his kids and wife?) - and he will dump you as soon as he is free for someone with a better body and who doesn't put demands on him.

If his marriage is so horrible and his wife so abusive what does it say about him for staying and for cheating? He thinks his cheating is going to help his kids develop a healthy sense of self esteem? He thinks spending time in bed with you is more important than doing something about the abuse of his children? But of course you are so self absorbed and in love with love that would never occur to you.

Please stop this destructive behavior. It was no accident - you chose to get naked with a married man and continue to do so and you chose to get attached to this fantasy.


Edited 1/28/2004 1:02:36 PM ET by deena33

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:12pm
How can you know all this if his wife and kids live abroad? How can you know how she treats him? Is this only coming from him? If so, I'm sorry to say that he's probably lying to you. You have got to wake up and face the reality of this situation: He's NEVER going to leave his wife and YOU will ALWAYS be his mistress. He hasn't left her yet. What makes you think that's going to change any time in the future? He's unhealthy himself because he is allowing this woman to control and manipulate him. He can divorce her and petition for sole custody if she's abusing her kids (which she is). There are options that he can take, but he is choosing not to. It's time to end this and find someone your own age. A 22 year old should not have to deal with all this crap. You should be out enjoying and living your life. Not in emotional and mental turmoil because your boyfriend's wife is threatening to kill herself. What do your parents have to say about all this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:52pm
Oh Please!

DO NOT CONDEMN THIS CHILD who has been lead down this path by a man 19 years older than herself, who has very little experience with the world or men to go on.

Of course, this man is a god who has done no wrong and has an abusive wife, that he had no sexual problems with, that he was not looking for another woman to escape from, and a woman who loves him.

There are two sides to every story. This young woman with a problem is about to enter into the beginnings of that lesson. Compassion and sympathy are necessary here, because rather than the wanton temptress you've portrayed her to be, she is instead, the victim, the victim who believes in true love and has been told the right "words" combined with the "act of love" to believe that this true love will prevail.

No, in no way can it prevail; we with experience know that, not in any healthy fashion. If there is an ounce of truth in the mental state of the wife, this girl may very well be in danger, and she is the least guilty of all parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:16pm
She is 22 years old. My mother was 21 when she married - and had graduated college - when I was 21 I was a college graduate and working full time and at 23 my sister married. She is an adult and is not a victim - and she is rationalizing that what she is doing is ok when it's not and pretending that it was an "accident." She doesn't believe in true love - she believes in having good sex with an older more experienced man.

Don't you dare yell at me for refusing to support this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:45pm
I had no intentions of crossing swords with you, and great for you that your mother was college educated and married at 21 and that you are college educated, but I would wager that this girl did not have the benefit of the upbringing that you did, and that just means that she will have to learn through mistakes some of the things you learned through good guidance. Not everyone gets that benefit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:53pm
Sorry - it's not about learning through these kinds of mistakes - because it is not a mistake - she chose to have sex and get involved with a married man - hopefully she will learn but that doesn't justify the actions. I don't care what she had or didn't have growing up - she is an adult who made a choice and is trying to justify it and label it as an accident - that's not called learning that's called rationalizing and self-absorption.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:56pm
God, it must be great to be you, perfect and throwing those stones at the sinners..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 6:34pm
uh oh! if you feel stones being thrown, just dodge them... it's safer that way..

 
Avatar for jentwine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:53pm
I have to agree with Deena. I am not judging or throwing stones but here is how I see it -- the only way that a woman gets involved in having sex with a man "by accident" is when she is raped. Any other sexual relationship happens because she allows it to happen and it's ....ummmm.... EASILY avoidable.

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