seeing new guy, confused by the game

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
seeing new guy, confused by the game
9
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 10:28pm
i've gone out w/ this guy a few times. we've had a really great time but he doesn't call. i posted a few weeks ago wondering if i should call him. he came online more frequently after our 1st date, called once after our date but didnt call frequently. now, normally i wouldn't have minded to call him and see what's up but i'm confused after reading 'he's just not that into you'. i get the feeling that this guy is, really and truly. i'm not just being some dumb girl wanting a man right now.

i'm trying not to make excuses but i'm wondering if maybe he's shy and doesn't want to call? of if he's wondering if i feel the same way and wondering why i'm not calling him to show my interest back?

any suggestions would be helpful. i would love to talk to him tonight but i'm afriad of calling b/c i dont wanna seem 'desperate' or whatever

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 10:56pm
I don't think it's a game...when a guy is interested in you, he'll call. Maybe you want to see his passivity as shyness? Whatever we're going to call it, being passive or being shy, how comfortable are you being the pursuer?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:54pm
If you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", then you have your answer, and if he's not calling, then you know..............Don't call him, move on and find someone else and if he calls, he calls, but don't pursue him, let him pursue you. They like the game!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 2:24pm
Don't call him and stop thinking about that guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 3:01pm
How often do you EXPECT or WANT him to call you?

Many guys, especially this early in dating will only call when there is a specific purpose - such as to ask you out on a date. We typically won't call you every day or so, just to chat.

I think using the book "He's Just Not That Into You" as a reference for right now is good, but don't be too strict in its application. It's not a black & white world out there.

If you would like more communication from him, then let him know it is ok for him to call just to chat - if that's what you want. Some people just aren't phone people (men and woman) that want to spends hours talking on the phone. Some prefer that type of interaction when it is face-to-face.

Have you done anything yet to proactively show your interest? If not, maybe its time you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:15pm
see this is what i was hoping to hear.

i am not expecting him to call me everyday. that's just bizarre. but i mean calling once a week in the beginning is that 'sufficient'? he understands what i'm going through right now and has always offered me his ear and shoulder most times. basically i'm wondering if what i'm hoping the outcome would be is pushing it a little to quickly.

we went out on tues and he hasn't called, i spoke to him online thurs but that's it. now i'm beginning to get into the 'he's just not that into you' mindset. and i believe i will be until he proves himself otherwise...its awful for me to say, but i have to look out for myself, right?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:17pm
i dont mind being the persuer. i'm not looking for a husband - rather someone to 'date' right now is all.

i hear what your saying, and i understand what everyone else is saying but i also like what spice.man said, that he'll call if there's a reason to. and i believe that. but also i'm curious as to why he isnt calling to 'check up' on me

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 7:26pm
because he's not interested in you as a person? it doesn't seem to me like he's interested in hanging out with you per se...if he's around when you call and nothing else is up, ok. Are you having sex with him? If you're actively pursuing him, he knows that eventually you're going to land in his lap. That's fine...but it sounds like deep down you want a commited relaitionship, not to be his booty call.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:37pm
I haven't read He's Just Not That Into You...I've skimmed it but that's it. To be honest, I think it's all pretty much common sense..but maybe it's not, since my own bookstore has had it on the top the bestseller list for two weeks! Anway, my advice is in two parts. First, unless he has told you not to call him, I see no problem with calling him to say hello, see how he's doing, etc. That being said, I also think you need to let him pursue you to some extent. After you call him, you need to let him make the next move, so to speak. Any man who is truly interested in you will find a way to communicate with you, whether by phone, email, instant message, snail mail, or some other means. If he doesn't reach out to contact you in any way, you need to let him go.

I realize some people do not like talking on the phone. But I don't know of anyone who will avoid contact with someone they like and are interested in. I had a boyfriend who really disliked the phone--our longest conversation via phone was maybe 10 minutes. But he emailed me, IM'd me, arranged to see me often. He was fine in person, just didn't like the phone. The point is, he made a concentrated effort to contact me, even to just say hello. If this man is not even attempting to contact you, I would have to say he's just not as interested in you as you are in him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 10:27pm
i'm sorry, i dont quite understand your post

no we're not having sex. we spoke about that already. i'm not 'actively persuing him' hes been persuing me since may. and i finally gave in and went on a date w/ him that was about a month ago. that was 5 months of asking me out, constantly. and he always said, give me a call this weekend, give me a call this time that time blah blah blah, (but i never did) and would always say 'so when are you going to let me take you out' and finally i did.

he said before he thinks about me all the time, daydreams about me blah blah blah but he doesnt call..i'm much too confused



this is true, and i told him that i'm not about sexing up just 'anybodys'