Selfish or is boyfriend a bum?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Selfish or is boyfriend a bum?
9
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 1:58pm

Hi, I have not posted in a while. I wanted an outside persepective to my problem that I am having. A little about myself...I am 27 years old, I have a 7 year old son, I own my own home, and I have a very demanding well paying job. My son's father and I spilt last year and I started up a new relationship this past March. He is younger, 22, no college education, no job at this time, lives with family, and has no transportation(car), does not seem really ambitious.

See this is my problem. At first it did not seem to bother me that he was younger and did not make the kind of money or have a lot because at first it really did not effect me. I took care of myself and he took care of his self. As the monthes went on he began using my car and staying at my house quite often. He had a part time job at fist I think and know nothing since september. Now I notice that I am paying for us to go to dinner, movies, gas for my car, etc...He does not offer at all anymore to pay for things and I feel bad asking because I know he does not have a job. And frankly I do not even really get to drive my car anymore because he asked to use it and he drops me off at work just about everyday and I put the gas in my car for him to drive. He does help me clean up my house though and he is very helpful with my son.

See today I really have been thinking about things and trying to put things into persepective. Yesterday his dog was really sick he did not have any money to take him to the vet and I felt bad so I went with him and paid for the visit, tests, and meds which came to $199 that I really did not have. He did not offer to pay it back and I did not ask because I know he does not work right know and has no money (from what he says.) Today he hit a deer in my car (which is anew car and expensive) He called me told me my door was dented and scratched said he was sorry and that he was ok. I was upset and said that it was going to cost a fortune because of the type of car it is and he said I was being selfish because I was more concerned about the car then if he was alright. I would have thought he would have offered to pay for the damages since he was the one driving my car when it happened in which he did not. I really do not want to or feel like taking care of someone else right know. It is getting to costly. I know money should not be the force that makes a couple stay together but what is fair in a relationship? I already take care of my child, my house, and my self. Is that being selfish or is he a freeloader?




Edited 12/12/2005 2:08 pm ET by crk21
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:46pm

I am going through almost the same thing..

I think a few things about OUR respective situation.

First, We are the caregivers in our relationships. We enjoy and dont mind doing above and beyond the call of duty for the other person...BUT because we are so giving of ourselves, we spoil them and they feel that they never have to give anything because we never demanded it of them. Yes, this situation is partially our fault and that is ok... we wanted to give, but now we have to accept what we have created.. a selfish monster. And, in my opinion, there is something inheriently wrong with a man that has no problem leaning so hard on a woman...Its almost like being a mother.

I think that your bf is going through a difficult time and is trying to find himself. Tell him that you really think he need to find a job and do more for this relationship because its becoming too demanding on you and you are beginning to resent him for it. It has to be said or else you will one day blow up and fight about it. Dont give him the car in the mornings, tell him you need it during your lunchtime or something. Dont go out soo much

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 8:36pm
Sounds to me like he is taking advantage of you financially. I'm not sure if he's meaning to do it or maybe it's just that you have been so lienient and in a sense allowed him to take advantage of you. I would definately discuss your concerns with him about this and see if things begin to change. If it really continues to bother you and you don't think you'll be able to handle being with a man who can't really take care of himself financially then I would break it off because you'll just end up resenting yourself more and him more after awhile. I've been there before a couple of times where I was the breadwinner of the relationship and felt like I was always taking care of the guy. I really resented these guys for it and myself later on for allowing the behavior. I don't date men anymore where I'm the one paying for everything or most things. I try to only date men where things are equal or where the man offers to pay more often. He is really young too only 22. He still has a lot of growing up to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 8:42pm

He is being selfish.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:45pm

"He called me told me my door was dented and scratched said he was sorry and that he was ok. I was upset and said that it was going to cost a fortune because of the type of car it is and he said I was being selfish because I was more concerned about the car then if he was alright."


I almost stopped reading your post after that.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 9:30am

I'm going to be very frank with you:

You are being played for a fool. You have shown that you are a good hearted person and he is taking advantage of that. What you need to ask yourself is what are you getting out of this relationship? For example, he is getting your car, your house, your affection, your body (I assume if he is spending the night), your money, your support, and much more! Now...you are getting his body, and ummmm, uhhhhh, what else? Do you see the point. A relationship is give and take and you are giving and not taking anything. He is taking and not giving anything.

Darling, I believe that you are underestimating him. You subcontiously see him as being younger than you and hence needing your assistance. But let me tell you he is a man. Yes at 22 he is a grown MAN. He needs to take care of himself. In fact he should want to take care of himself. Living with his parents is understandable, but he has no job, no education, no car? He's not a bum...he's an idiot and you certainly don't want him to be around your son. Because young boys are impressionable and your son sees him and how he is taking advantage of you and is eventually going to think that is the way you should treat a woman and it's not!

Your situation also makes me question your self esteem. News bulletin...there is a man out there (probably older than you) who has a job, a nice house or apartment, a really cool car, personality, money to spend and he is looking to take you out and treat you like a queen. But, you're at the vet with an idiot paying for his dog to get treated.

Hmmmmm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:37pm

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He's a freeloader. The mere fact that he hasn't offered to pay for the car and got upset with you for being upset about the car, speaks volumes. He only cares about sex, free room and board and a hot new car to drive. Yours!

I will never date a guy who makes less than me ever again! I made more money than two of my long term boyfriends and I found out at least two things:

1. You come to resent them, because you will get sick of dragging yourself to work everyday while he sleeps in. You will tire of always footing the bill or stress about money you don't have (because of him) to meet your own needs. If you get into debt, you will really resent him.

2. He will resent you. Yes, there is some uncanny behavioural law that eventually, people tend to resent the one who feeds them. They begin to feel inadequate and you will begin to treat them like a child (because you are the caretaker). If you put a stop to providing all the funds, or complain about money, he will resent you even more. It's a no win situation. Well anyway, for me it was.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 1:22pm

You are dating a free loading gigolo who enjoys spending time with your son. There are plenty of jobs out there but this guy doesn't need one because he is eating your food, staying at your house and driving your car.

You seem very gullible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:51pm

Change the rules and you change the game.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 7:58am

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop being a doormat here!!! Men do not respect or treat women like you well because you let them walk all over you!

What you and alot of women like yourself don't understand is that men can virtually find any gullible, woman like yourself to do these things for them ANYWHERE and ANYTIME they want to. If you're doing this to keep him with you, don't waste your time. He can always move on and find another gullible woman to do this to.

Now do yourself a favor. Have some self pride and dignity and tell him enough is enough, either he gets himself a job and stops mooching off of you, or it's over. You'll probably lose him with that ultimatum but hey, who cares? You'll have more money in your pocket and your self respect restored.