Serious BF contacted by Ex-Fiancee
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| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:48am |
This post is just to vent; I have not shown much of a reaction to my BF, who I love dearly. He was engaged to a girl 10 years ago (mid-twenties). She was his first love and she broke his heart by cheating, lying, taking him for granted, etc. As in love as he was, one day he left her and broke the engagement. She tried so hard to get him back- but he didn't go.
Fast forward to now; he told me she calls him once or twice a year- always has. She is married "unhappily" with two children, and makes that unhappiness clear in every call. Last week, he checked his mail in front of me, and she sent him a freaking Hallmark Card- what it said, I don't know, didn't ask. I blew it off. Trying not too look threatened and insecure.
At dinner this past weekend, he brought up the card and said her brother called him to ask for an estimate (my BF owns a Heat & AC company). He said that he is annoyed by her surfacing, and he wasn't giving her brother an estimate- he was giving the job to a fellow contractor. He wanted no parts.
I simply told him that he needs to do what he needs to do if he still needs closure; if he had any thoughts about going back to her, just let me know where I stand. I will not be involved in a love triangle. I also stated that it didn't work the first time, it probably wouldn't work a second. Again, he whole heartedly agreed and also elaborated that exes cannot be friends.
So everything is fine- I just wonder why she is surfacing NOW?

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If she contacts him a couple times a year, I'm not quite clear on why you're surprised that she's "surfacing now" (or at least that's how I take your post). Can you clarify?
Sheri
Ok...you do realize that only she knows the answer to that, right ;-)? I'm sure in her mind, it's more like, why NOT now!
Has your BF told her he has a serious GF?
What would you prefer that he do, in an ideal world? Block her from calling and emailing him, or what?
Sheri
In my ideal world he would tell her that he is in love with someone (after all these years since her), and it is time for her to move on with her own life; unhappily married or not. I think she knows he finally has a great relationship. She is still in love with him, and admits it. Letting her maintain contact is giving her false hope, and I said that very diplomatically. He is supporting her emotionally by talking to her. He would be crushed if I spoke to an ex ongoing, and he has told me that.
She hasn't shown up at his door when I'm there, then I'd be upset with him. I think she has called when I am there once in a while- but he doesn't answer. I have no proof, only suspicions. I may be inventing them.
He has to handle this the right way, the way he chooses. I pray he does the right thing for us. Everything has been wonderful- I hope she doesn't get in our way. If she does, it wasn't meant to be.
Yep, that sounds like what I would want him to do as well. I hope he chooses to do that.
Sheri
But his reaction is perfect - if he's not even willing to give her brother a quote, that says to me he obviously wants NOTHING to do with her anymore, so you've got nothing to worry about.
Just remember, he's with you for a reason, and he sounds even more annoyed with her than you are.
it sounds like your bf is not hiding anything and also pretty clear that he doesn't believe in ex's being friends.
So try to let it go but you can mention lightly it made you uncomfy that she sent you a hallmark card
Because her life is a trainwreck...she blew a good thing...she wishes she had him back in her life...and she can't get him to break who knows.
Why doesn't he just tell her to leave him alone. Does he talk to her or just ignore her?
UPDATE:
My boyfriend and I discussed things this weekend. He told me that her father (his ex fiancee) contacted him, and wants HIM to do the AC/Heat work, not his collegue. My boyfriend told me that he already went there last week, to the dad's house.
I was visibly upset, but didn't go nuts. I asked him why he couldn't cut ties? He said her dad helped back him financially 10 years ago, when they were engaged. This guy helped him start his own company, and out of respect, he was expected to help him out. He asked me to trust him; this was something he had to do, and he is doing it.
I asked him how would he feel if it were the other way around(?); if I was doing work at my former financee's parent's house and he said he would be VERY upset. Again, he aske dme to trust him. he said he would never mess anything up between us. He told me that he was being honest with me, and NOT hiding anything. That's why he is telling me.
Last night his cell phone rang, he was like "Oh God", I think it was a family member of hers, or her. I could tell by his reaction, and he dropped it immediately. He always says, "Oh it's so and so calling, I'm not answering blah blah."
I am trying to remain cool, but I am bothered.
If he owes the man a favor, then I can understand. But I think the bigger issue here is that he hasn't cut all ties with the ex-fiancee. After this is all said and done, that may be a discussion you need to have...
Kerry
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