Serious BF contacted by Ex-Fiancee
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| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:48am |
This post is just to vent; I have not shown much of a reaction to my BF, who I love dearly. He was engaged to a girl 10 years ago (mid-twenties). She was his first love and she broke his heart by cheating, lying, taking him for granted, etc. As in love as he was, one day he left her and broke the engagement. She tried so hard to get him back- but he didn't go.
Fast forward to now; he told me she calls him once or twice a year- always has. She is married "unhappily" with two children, and makes that unhappiness clear in every call. Last week, he checked his mail in front of me, and she sent him a freaking Hallmark Card- what it said, I don't know, didn't ask. I blew it off. Trying not too look threatened and insecure.
At dinner this past weekend, he brought up the card and said her brother called him to ask for an estimate (my BF owns a Heat & AC company). He said that he is annoyed by her surfacing, and he wasn't giving her brother an estimate- he was giving the job to a fellow contractor. He wanted no parts.
I simply told him that he needs to do what he needs to do if he still needs closure; if he had any thoughts about going back to her, just let me know where I stand. I will not be involved in a love triangle. I also stated that it didn't work the first time, it probably wouldn't work a second. Again, he whole heartedly agreed and also elaborated that exes cannot be friends.
So everything is fine- I just wonder why she is surfacing NOW?

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Okay. I think if her father helped him financially and he feels obligated to help her father that is one thing. That doesn't mean he needs to be in contact with HER.
I think you need to make it clear to him, that having contact with her is really not something you are comfortable with if this is something that is bothering you. If she's going to be hanging around while he is doing work there, etc. He needs to make it clear to her, that he is there to be doing work and that is all. I think he needs to make sure she understands this isn't social hour for her...he isn't going to be sitting around having dinner/lunch/reminiscing time with her and her family. He is going in, doing work and leaving and that's it.
I can understand that he feels obligated to her dad. I think I would express to him that you understand his reasons for doing the work, but once the work is done, you would strongly prefer that he cut off all contact with her and her family.
Sheri
Thanks for all of your replies. I did express that I do not feel comfortable with him having ties to her or her family. I told him they all need to let go, it's been over for ten years. I didn't want to get too upset (I was getting really emotional), because I don't want to overeact either. That could drive him away from me.
My concern is that maybe he has had emotional ties to her all along, and he's not letting go either. Why the Hallmark Card and need for his services "all of a sudden". Are they in touch more frequently than I've been aware of?
He told me that after he's doe this job, that's it. I guess only time will tell.
Maybe I'm PMS'ing & over analyzing.
I haven't read all the responses, but I have to say ... you handled things VERY well, duffdom.
As for << So everything is fine- I just wonder why she is surfacing NOW?
>>
My guess is that she's unhappy and is probably seeking some comfort/solace from a familiar person.
<< In my ideal world he would tell her that he is in love with someone (after all these years since her), and it is time for her to move on with her own life >>
Actually, I'd say that telling her absolutely NOTHING would be the best course of action.
Think of it this way, if he makes ANY level of contact, that could give her a glimmer of hope and/or a bit of encouragement in terms of him WANTING to talk to her. Regardless of what he says. Some women (or people, in general, I should say), who are in desperate situations or unhappy relationships/marriages, can be inclined to seek out those whom they feel comfortable with. So, regardless of whether or not he tells her that he's with someone else and in love, she COULD choose to take that as an opportunity to boost her ego and pursue a challenge.
He did the right thing by not responding to her brother's request for an estimate. I'd say the best thing to do would be NOT respond to the card or her calls (that is, if he doesn't want anything to do with her and wants to just leave it behind). The worst thing he could do is say "thanks for the card." That would only encourage her to continue contacting him.
Sometimes the right thing to do is nothing at all.
A note of caution for you. You said - "My concern is that maybe he has had emotional ties to her all along, and he's not letting go either."
When I read that it sounds like you are taking your thoughts and assumptions and projecting them onto him as if they are facts in his life. Please be careful how far you stretch this thinking as it can easily lead to false accusations. That is something very few men will grant tolerance.
It is impossible for him to control her choice of actions. All he can do is control his response. So far his response seems to be fair and reasonable.
But he is doing work at her parents' house "because it is expected of him" as he put it. After ten years, he is EXPECTED to do things for HER parents, because they helped him start his business in 1996? So when do these expectations end??? Why do they keep him so close in mind for Heat & AC problems?
She has always kept in touch with him, and he has always accepted her calls. Sounds like there are still ties, to me. How frequently, I'll never know.
It's killing me, but I calmly and diplomatically told him (as I mentioned in the beginning) what I "EXPECT" from him next time she calls, or sends a lovely Hallmark Card. I expect him to do nothing, as another poster said. Stop supporting her emotionally.
I have to calm down by tonight when I see him. Freaking PMS!
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