Settling: is this real or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Settling: is this real or not?
5
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 3:33pm
How do you tell if you really have feelings for someone?
I have been friends with this guy for about a year. Over the past few months we've been spending more time together, usually in a group, but he's begun initiating one-on-one events too. We've also been talking on the phone a lot, he always calls me. The past week or so he's called almost every night. My friends suspected a couple months back that he has a thing for me but I scoffed it off because he's naturally a very sweet person so I really didn't think it was specific to me. A couple days ago he admitted it though that he has quote "a huge crush on me". I've never though of him as more than a friend but lately he's starting to grow on me. I'm confused if he's growing on me as a function of spending more time together or if I actually do have feelings for him. Like, is this real or not? I'm not used to guys liking me romantically I've always been somewhat the ugly duckling and tended to get all gooey if some guy just says hi. So given his more overt interest I'm not sure if I really do like him or if I'm just reacting to the attention. I don't want to reciprocate and then feel locked in and like I've settled because that would just hurt his feelings and I really do value his friendship. Any thoughts?? Part of me hopes he'll just get over it but I don't want to lead him on either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 5:42pm

"So given his more overt interest I'm not sure if I really do like him or if I'm just reacting to the attention." --- this is a great question. When you think of him do you smile? Can you see yourself kissing him in a passionate way? Do you think of him in a sexual way? When you don't hear from him do you miss him?

I can understand that you are concerned about it taking frequent get togethers for you to begin liking him in a romantic way, but sometimes you don't get to see a guy's personality until you spend more time with him. Sometimes it goes the other way...you learn that you cant stand his personality, hehe. However, if a big part of you hopes that he just gets over it, then maybe you are right in assuming you are responding to the attention or...maybe you are afraid of getting hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:02am

You're used to feeling like the ugly ducking and wanting guys who don't want you. Enjoy being the object of someone's attention, it sounds like you like him too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 10:56am
Well I've pretty much decided. We went out to the jazz festival last Thursday. He was being kind of touchy feely. Not in a gross way, just like he was testing the waters to see how I would react. What sealed the deal was my response. Involuntarily I shied away from him when he would try to link arms etc. Very mundane contact but for whatever reason I just didn't want to be in contact with him that way. So that pretty much sealed it for me. I'm a pretty physical person and when I have a crush on someone I love touching them - the whole goosebumps giggly thing is totally me. So for me to not want to touch him convinced me I really don't like him like that. Anyway before we parted ways for the night he came out and told me that he wants to be my bf and I explained (tried to explain) that I'm not looking for a relationship right now but I'm enjoying my freedom w/o commitments and responsibilities. The other night I was talking to my girlfriend about it and she said he goes after just about everyone. A few weeks ago he was after her friend and a few weeks before that he was after my friend in the same way. I don't think he's a player I just think he's fickle and a hopeless romantic. But I'm not one to be somebody else's flavour of the week. It really doesn't make a girl feel special you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:41pm

It sounds like you know yourself pretty well. It's good that you were open minded to exploring your feelings about this guy. I don't think you were his "flavor of the week". It sounds like he is just looking for someone to date and he gets very enthusiastic about the prospects of dating someone, and of course, getting laid, but almost in a desperate kind of way. If he is a player, he's not very smooth about it and made the mistake of doing the social circle - I mean women who all know each other - bad move - so he is not an accomplished player. An accomplished player doesn't make that mistake - he keeps his worlds very far apart. I understand what you mean about not feeling special about his behavior. He approached each of you within a very close time frame. It would be different if he approached your friend a year ago. But the way he handled it ... I would see it as "oh, so Jane rejected you so now I start to look good to you? Later for you." Yeah - I can totally see your point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:19pm
That's it exactly. Only the first girl to reject him wins the rest are in decreasing order of desirability.