Seven Days - 7 Red Flags - Can Anyone Top This?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Seven Days - 7 Red Flags - Can Anyone Top This?
5
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 3:36am

I met a guy at a nightclub on Saturday, seemed to hit it off, stayed up that night talking until 6:30 a.m.  He's a career Marine, divorced after 11 years of marriage, planning on going into counseling after retirement, and generally seems like a very  accomplished, intelligent, and interesting man.  During the conversation, he mentions several different activities that would be nice to do together.  We briefly touch upon our ideas on relationships, and I do mention that I am just fine with casual dating and actually think it is a good way to get to know someone, but I am not into casual sex and am only intimate in a committed, exclusive, and monogamous relationship. He asks if I would be interested in having coffee with him the next afternoon, Sunday, before he leaves for his town, which is 2 to 3 hours away from mine.  Well, coffee turns into lunch and a movie, and a very nice afternoon together.  Now, the red flags:  (1) The next day, Monday, he sends me a somewhat crude and sexually suggestive text about taking him to the dark side, showing him what he's made for and making it nasty; (2) Thursday, he says he's coming to town, will be there about 7:30 p.m. and would like to see me.  I ask where he would like to meet, he asks "your place?" and against my better judgment, I agree. He then says he will be later - after 10:00 p.m., and I suggest we meet the next day instead as it is getting very late, and I will make him dinner in the late afternoon; (3) Friday, I make dinner, we have a nice evening, and then go out to a club to listen to music and dance.  At the club, he mentions how good looking and unique the bartender is and how he can't even get her attention, she wouldn't give him the time of day; (4) He stays the night Friday (no sex, just cuddling and kissing, still my mistake) and Saturday morning has to go downtown to help his friend get into his hotel room as the friend's key doesn't work and he has an extra.  Four hours later, he returns, after hanging out with the guys and having lunch;  he then leaves to attend an MMI fight with his buddies; (5) He mentions he really likes porn (a personal preference, but a red flag for me as I'm not into it and already told him I'm not into casual sex)  (6) Later that night, I attend a birthday party with him at another nightclub.  While there, he dirty dances with / grinds on other women, telling me not to change him and this has been a problem in past relationships; (7) After asking me to arrange my busy Sunday so I could spend the afternoon with him, and twice confirming the time of 2:00 p.m., he texts me at 2:02 p.m. and tells me he's not going to be making it up that afternoon, with no excuse.  When I ask why, he says he's driving home. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

A man who makes sexual conversation like this before he's been intimate with you, is not looking for a long term relationship. He's a dirtbag who will use you for sex and move on. Is this your dream man, a guy who grinds other women in front of you and regularly looks at naked women on the internet?

Set some standards and rules for yourself. Cut the losers loose right away so you're not wasting your time on someone who is not worthy of you. Never invite a man over unless you're ready for sex. You gave a man your address who you've just met. A dangerous practice. He could've given you a false name and raped you. He could have a stalker mentality and now knows where you live. If you want a long term relationship, see if a guy will date you a couple of months before having sex. A guy who only wants sex won't have the patience to wait around.

If you continue with this man, you need help with your self esteem. When you feel great about yourself, you will choose more wisely and will drop a guy after the first major red flag. How many flags do you need? Be smart. This is your life you're talking about. You're in the driver's seat. You tell people when to get on the bus, and when the hell to get off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 12:01pm

You, yourself pointed out the 7 red flags.  Best to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I just assume that you already know not to see this guy again since he has been rude & disrespectful to you.  It's strange to me that any guy would send a woman a text about sex after one date, esp. after you already told him that you weren't into casual sex.  But I'd bet that there are men out there who just see that as a challenge--like oh, she said she won't have casual sex, but I bet I could get her to change her mind.  And the dirty dancing w/ other women while he is on a date with you is very disrespectful.  I also wouldn't let a guy sleep over who I didn't intend to have sex with--that's kind of sending a mixed message.  A book that I read once said that women should weed out the players by not having sex right away and the easiest way to do that is not to be in an situation where it's possible to have sex--like always meet in public places.  Doesn't it also seem to you that relationships that start off very intensely are the ones that also crash & burn very fast too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001

You are absolutely right in everything you said.  No, I absolutely was not planning on seeing him again.  I was just sharing the absurdity of it all.  It was foolish to have given him my address -- something I do not do until I know the person much better and will not do again.  And he obviously is only interested in a hookup.  I have never met a man who was interested in me as a person and interested in a quality relationship who would not wait until I was ready and did not pressure me - ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001

Everything you said is right on target.  In the future, I will be very careful not to send ANY mixed messages whatsoever.  At this point, I'm almost ready to not even kiss a guy until after a few dates.  Yes, the ones that come on strong at the beginning are the quickest to leave -- I've even experienced that with ones who are looking for a serious relationship; i.e., I know you're the one for me, very early discussion of marriage.  Unfortunately, the situation I described, or something akin to it, are all too common in the dating world these days.