Sex before committment

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sex before committment
5
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:44am

ok, i am wondering if someone can help me out on this... yesterday night i was on the phone talking to this guy that i've been seeing for about 5 mths and the subject of sex came up. granted we've already done the deed but he wanted to know when are we going to do it again. i told him that he doesn't do enough (i.e. phone calls, dates, qt time etc). he repsonded by saying "well what do you want me to do, i'm a bz man." also, he also stated that how do you go from talking about sex one minute and talking about us hanging out the next. ques- did i do something wrong here? we've never had the "talk" before we had sex, so is it too late to expect committment now? how do i find out if he's looking for a relationship or just casually hooking up?

thanks for the help.

E.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 1:34pm
He specifically was on your case about when you were going to do it again? he's too bz to hang out with you? Aren't you too busy pursuing a one on one relationship with someone more available than he is to bother answering his calls? If you're out for an exclusive relationship, then tell this guy your needs are not being met by him and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 5:48am

HOw often were you seeing each other ( times/week) before you did the deed? And did you find the outings/dates enjoyable? Just trying to see if this one is salvagable?

I do have problems with him asking specifically for sex, though. In such a situation, the thing to do is be indirect. You could have asked, why do you ask? It would be interesting to see what answers he comes up with.

"i told him that he doesn't do enough (i.e. phone calls, dates, qt time etc). he repsonded by saying "well what do you want me to do, i'm a bz man." also, he also stated that how do you go from talking about sex one minute and talking about us hanging out the next. ques- did i do something wrong here?"

Although this type does appear to be a bit sneaky. If a guy were really into you, he would know to put in the time (phone calls) and the effort (dates, etc) without your having to spell it out. His last question suggests to me that he is into word games, always shifting the frame of reference to his advantage. The only way to "win" is to exit the game completely.

If it were me, I would repsond very casually, that I have a lot on (just like he does) and that he could call me next week to see how things are going. Maybe in the next week, he might (IF he calls) have had a vist to the clue store, but if he hasn't, there's always voicemail and caller id.

You didn't do anything wrong. If things were going nicely, according to you, then, well, after 5 months, it's your choice. You can have the talk before sex, if you want to be assured of commitment before sex. It doesn't always guarantee things so observing one's behavior is also a helpful guide.

I would agree with you, a guy calling me up asking specifically for sex, despite what has gone on before, is rude and is finally giving you a clue as to which file he's put you in.

At this point, simply not resonding is the best thing to do. YOu've told him your expectations so there is nothing more for you to say. After this, he'll either clean up his act, or move on. With either psoosbility, you will have not lost any more time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 8:33am

You didn't do anything wrong here. He stated his position (he wants more sex) you stated yours (he needs to be more available).

One is dependent on the other, I can't see why he didn't understand the connection.

This guy sounds a little self-centered. Perhaps it is time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 1:12am
Yes, it's a little late to expect a commitment from this bloke. By having commitment free sex with him early on, you've sent him the message that casual sex is okay with you and you don't expect much else from him. Human nature has us "milking it for all it's worth" and everyone wants something for nothing. You gave him the message that he doesn't have to call, take you out on dates and spend quiet time with you. Once you "teach someone" how to treat you, it is tough to up the anty. When you did up the anty and let him know that he doesn't do enough, he got defensive. He gave the lame excuse that he is a businessman. Then he tried to make you feel foolish by "changing the subject from sex to haning out". Talk about grasping for straws! His arguments were lame! The only thing you did "wrong" was to not let him know you expect and deserve to be treated well from beginning.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 4:08pm


i don't have a very good feeling about this guy.
he does seem self-centered. he has time to get-together with u for sex, but too busy to actually spend time doing other things together?
either he is being completely ignorant about what a relationship requires, or he is playing you.

it's not too late to spell out what exactly you need, if you really feel that you both have something good going on and you don't want to throw it away, AND if u feel he will try to understand things and make-up for lost time.

but i can't shake away the feeling that he is being way too casual and you could do better than be with a person like him.