sex lies?
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| Mon, 04-09-2007 - 1:57am |
so, i'm in my early 20's, and my sex life goes as follows: lost my virginity drunk, drunk dated and slept with a number of guys, and i am so ashamed that i consider myself a 'virgin' to good sex. SO i'm currently dating my dream guy.. romantic, sweet, caring, and a-freakin-dorable.. and when he asked me how many people i've slept with i told him exactly that.. "well, i consider myself a virgin.." but before i could finish he started on this tangent about how he's been looking for a girl who wasn't completely obsessed with sex and that this makes me so much more perfect in his mind. Don't get me wrong, he knows i'm not a virgin-virgin and that i lost it when i was drunk, but he doesnt know about the number of guys i've accidentally slept with on the side.
should i tell him the truth? It would hurt him so bad to know that i wasn't up front with him in the first place, and would probably really hinder our relationship. But i'm also afraid that when (by when i mean if) we actually end up sleeping together, it will show that i'm more experienced that i might have led on to be. But more so, is it wrong what i'm doing? He thinks i'm somebody i'm not... but I REALLY like this guy!! help!
Edited 4/9/2007 2:35 am ET by jacct24

Why does he feel the need to ask you how many men you have slept with? It is none of his business. And what is wrong with enjoying sex? Is he kind of macho? A macho guy will misconstrue a healthy woman with one who is obsessed with sex. Usually insecure guys who want to take the lead in a romance want to maneuver the sexual act itself and need to know how many men you slept with, in what position, what time of day, how many times a day, how many people were really involved and if you ever had one night stands.
Is the guy also in his early 20's? I'm soon to be 45 and men in my age group generally don't ask those questions, unless they are insecure. Usually by our age, men have slept with potentially with hundreds of women, especially if they have never been married. If it were me, I would just say that it is usually not a good idea to discuss one's sexual past, unless the following occurs: 1)VD, 2)pregnancy outside of marriage - child may come a'knockin' on the door one day, 3)he or you have regular or sporadic contact with an ex - sometimes at work or social groups - it is good to know if a particular person is one that your SO slept with, 4)woman or man coincidentally befriends an ex - my first husbands's ex was in my English class in college and she became very friendly with me and my ex told me that it would be best to not befriend her and told me about their past and how she went loony on him when he tried to break up with her, including physically jumping him, threatening new potential girlfriend and sugar being placed in his mother's gas tank of her car and an unwanted pregnancy that was aborted.
If you feel the need to tell this guy about that night because you are afraid of starting off the relationship with a "lie" then go ahead but if he passes moral judgement on a woman's sexual past, he could break up with you anyway. I always say that it is best for a man to not know too much about one's past and to politely say, that each other's past is not really relevant in this situation.
i agree with you completely. It is our business and not our obligation to tell all. However, in most of the dating I've done, this question usually comes up fairly quickly. It's probably because I'm such a sexual person. I can't help it. I like having the ability to turn guys on with my words, and i'm good at it. So i might come off as a sexual fanatic, i'm not sure. But still, even though i may be open about my sexuality, i am still waiting for intimacy and love. I've been so careless that its time to feel good about it for once.
So anyway, with this guy, I am pretty sure he IS insecure about his experience in bed. He's a little younger than i am (he's 21) and joined the military at age 18, so he hasn't really had any steady relationship or much experience otherwise. He's slept with a few girls, but I think it was more about performance for him, which might make him self-conscious about his abilities.
Personally, sexual ability is far far down my list of ideal qualities in men. Confidence, yes, but as long as you make me feel good, thats what is important. I told him this, but i have a feeling knowing that i've slept with more people than he has might be kind of a confidence killer. If we do end up sleeping together (way far down the road..) it WILL be different than anything i've had, because it will be intimacy, and not just sex. I've had sex, but i've never made love. I feel like there is suuucchhh a huge difference.
So question: before you get intimate with your new love interests, does the fact that they've slept with 100 other women bother you at all? I think as long as true feelings are there no decent person should judge you on your performance in bed, am i right?
If you truly want a relationship with this guy, then I think you need to be honest. I'm with the other poster that it's not really his business but since he asked and since you started answering, I think you need to be honest.
That being said, if he judges you because of it, then he's not the guy for you. A healthy relationship includes sex, communication and acceptance. If he can't give you those, then what sort of relationship will you truly have with him?
Who said that men are good in bed just because they've slept 100 or so women? hehehe whoooeee. Sooooo not true. Time for a news flash!!!!! You want to know why? Because of WOMEN. Women don't tell men that they are not satisfying them. Women fake orgasms just so they can get the guy off of them. So these guys are like "oh yeah, I'm the man! I'll make sure to do this again." Then, like idiots, they perpetuate unsatisfying sex confirmed by another fake orgasm. Do you see the vicious cycle? Even the guys who want to please women, can't, because of this mess we've created. How many men have we had to retrain? I won't tell.
This is a verrryyy delicate subject and some men welcome the feedback while others get angry. the ones who get angry do not perform after the feedback on purpose. Chances are they are feeling "angry" at their wives and "rebel" like children so the women don't get what they want from them, hoping they have an affair. My second ex husband is prime example number one. Overtime, he would not do anything I wanted in bed. What a horrible existence that became. Then, after the divorce he sends me this pathetic letter that explains that he made a mistake with the divorce and he doesn't know why he didn't want to satisfy me in bed. I'll tell you why - money. He wanted me to have an affair so that he can sue me for divorce and take the house. It is passive/aggressive behavior. Men know how to use their hands, trust me. Many of them dont' nowadays because of some stupid brotherly oath they took to make sure that they do not satisfy women anymore unless they are satisfied (the men) overall in their marriages. They are rebelling in a childish way to make sure that their con game of "love and marriage" works out in their favor. It is fraud. It is nationwide, just so you know.
"However, in most of the dating I've done, this question usually comes up fairly quickly." - I am amazed at this statement. No one has ever asked me that question before and I have never asked a man that question. I did have a conversation with my second ex husband about this topic in general while we were dating though.
"I like having the ability to turn guys on with my words, and i'm good at it." - you go girl!!!
I have had intimacy and love before and it is wonderful and something all women should experience. Guys (and girls) do act differently, sexually speaking, with their partners with whom they are in love or care for. They give more of themselves in bed, making for a better experience. It is something you feel intuitively. A great sexual experience is more than mechanical technique. It is an experience between the two people that can only be achieved if both parties are connected in a certain way, and genuinely want to please each other, like you said. Some call it "chemistry", but it is also present in love with chemistry combined with caring. But, you can have great "sex" even if you are "in love", so don't rule out the good old romp in the sack. Diversity is nice.
Technique without caring? You can have sex with a guy who knows every inch of the female anatomy and how to flip the switches but the experience can fall flat.
I am in my mid 40's so the feelings of intimidation about how many women a guy has slept with (and performance) came and went with my virginity decades ago. Of course when one is new to sex, or has not been with a number of partners, like your guy, one might be concerned with "how am I doing?". So your new guy could feel some anxiety, so it is best to leave out the details of your past.
ah, that just reminds me of an episode of Sex & The City where Miranda hesitates on seeing a guy she faked an orgasm with because she -knew- he'd do the same thing he did before and she'd have to fake it again. Except when she told him she faked it, he was more open to figuring out the right way to do it, and not acting childish like some of the guys you speak of. I find that so interesting (and slightly ridiculous) that a guy would be so offended by the fact, but i guess they feel lied to and yeah, thats never a good feeling.
Its a shame that love and marriage can become so negatively complicated, like the fraud that you speak of, but hey i think it's great that you realize what your ex-husband was out for before you hear whatever excuses he had to give. Not worth your precious time! You know, i haven't been on this board for a while, but i think its great! Sometimes people like you are exactly what i need :)
How nice of you to compliment me, thank you. I don't remember that Sex & the City episode, maybe I didn't catch that one, but if the guy was receptive, then I'm sure Miranda had a much better evening! Besides being lied to, some guys get offended because they are embarrassed.
What I can't believe in terms of the fraud surrounding marriage these days, is that anyone could marry someone, sleep with, tend to their colds and flus and not feel a thing for them and maybe not even really like them. How do they stomach it? I sure couldn't do that to anyone, let alone myself. Imagine having to go through all of the motions of marriage and not even like the person, yuck. It seems that the women who are being targetted the most with this fraud are single moms.
well he knows you lost it drunk and that you had other drunk experiences (I hope you practiced safe sex?) so the exact count isn't necessary but you should let him know at some point that its more than 1 or 2 - he didn't ask, right? IT sounds like you feel guilty, past is past, what matters is that you learn from it and how you choose tolive your life - you don't want to deceive him about who you are, things from your past but i don't think you have to dot all the is and cross all the ts