sex stopped, dates cont. help? why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
sex stopped, dates cont. help? why?
16
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:23pm
Please advise me; I had started a new relationship after finally gettting my self esteem back after a bad 4 yr relationship. I am 9 yrs older than he is but he said it didnt matter and was very attracted to me. He is a hard worker and apparently has a lot of money and responsibilities. After a few weeks, we became intimate and he said all the right things. This ocurred about 4 times. Then one saturday, he drove me home and kissed goodnight. He was very tired and felt his animals (he has many pets) "werent getting enough attention"... I figured it was over and was sad. But then he continued to call and we went out again to see some properties and eat. I said I would collect my things and leave. He kissed me goodnight. I left. He sent an email what a good time he had and looked forward to saturday. Why? I have invited him to thanksgiving but dont want to cont this parody if he isnt interested anymore. He isnt my boyfriend or lover anymore --what is he and why is he doing this? Does he not know how to get out of it? Do you think I repulsed him? I am so sad and confused. Should I say something? He said he hates confrontations....I hate being treated like an unappealing woman.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 9:40am
he must like you, otherwise he wouldn't keep calling you and wanting to hang out with you. why would you think that he isn't your boyfriend just because you two aren't having sex? maybe he felt that having sex after only a few weeks was going to fast and he wanted to slow it down because he really does like you and wants to make the relationship last. i honestly don't think sex makes a relationship. enjoying each other's company makes a relationship. obviously, he likes your company. but if this is not how you want a relationship, then talk to him about it. don't get defensive, just bring it up calmly, and everything should be fine. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 5:14pm
Thats a really nice thought and way to put it but I always tend to stay too long in relationships and get hurt. I need not to ignore signs all the time. Someone who orignially is passionate about you and says so and then doesnt want you to stay over for the next 3 dates...doesnt want you basically. We had this event planned ahead and he even reviewed what we had planned for the next 2 dates. He called more in the beginning and held my hand etc. I dont want to be a dummie and hang where I am not wanted. He considers himself a nice person and prob. doesnt want to hurt me --he said he hates confrontation...he also wanted to see this event we are going to for his own business purposes...not just for me. I recog. the little signs from my last relationship: the yawning when he speaks, hanging up first, when we go out-staying out late so the evening stretches into late hours so he doesnt have to bring me home to his house, forgeting things I said..and not telling me I look nice...it is so tiring to care for someone and open up to them and have them toss you like old rubbish again and again...it took me a long time to go out again...and it happened again...sigh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 7:22am
If you are not satisfied with the relationship the way it is, you are not a passive participant waiting for him to end it, you can certainly end it for yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 11:10pm
I guess I just want to know how the stages go in a good relationship. They dont start with dating and getting to know the person then progress to intimacy and then cont as dating without intimacy... If you dont start seeing each other more often or getting closer I guess its just dating forever...and then it ends? Is it me meeting someone whom I dont get the right triggers from or who has other things in life to develop more than a relationship or do people seem to develop more naturally into relationships? I really would like to know. This kind of behavior keeps one at arms length- makes for boundaries.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 11:53pm
I think you're reading way to much into some of his "signals." Just because he yawns as he says something doesn't mean he isn't into you. And I don't think most men would stay out late with a woman just to avoid bringing her back to the house; they probably wouldn't have even gone out with her in the first place. He must like your company to keep wanting to spend time with you. Most men, no matter how nice, would have probably gotten out of this by now if they weren't interested. Maybe he's got some kind of embarassing personal problem he doesn't want you to know about. If you really think the physical level has significantly decreased, then maybe he's just into being friends. But a lot of relationships experience a slight decline of physical intimacy after you've been hot and heavy. It gives you more time to expand the relationship on an emotional level. Try and initiate intimacy next time you hang out, create the environment. If he makes an excuse to leave, then you want to talk to him about what's going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 12:48am
Would you like to try asking *him* what's going on?

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:16pm
We went out saturday and as we got to his house, I asked, Do you want me to leave or stay? he laughed and said, I am not rushing yu out --you can stay. I said well last time (actually the last 2 times) you didnt seem to want me to . He said you were ready to leave (the weekday we went out) and I would never push you...I stayed. We got up early as always and he went to get ready for work (sunday). Its his own business and he works a lot. No breakfast, no coffee...he called later when I was out. I called back --brief chat. No call Monday... This cant be a relatinship where one person really cares abt the other, can it? Can someone be SO busy they just dont call? how do you get closer to someone, seeing them once or twice a week for weeks and weeks....?

I ask as an idiot who did this with someone for 4 years who now doesnt even speak to me and prob only kept seeing me when there was no one else.....but I do appreciate the answers you all gave and hope one day, I can get close to/with someone w/o all this effort --just nice and easy....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:55pm
Ask him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:55pm
Well I'm going to disagree with the people here who say he cares about you because I went through the same thing with my ex. At first he seemed to be attracted to me and did seem to enjoy the sex. Then after a few months his interest seemed to lessen, he would also yawn when we were out on a date and he would frequently look at his watch. One day he announced that we would no longer have sex, but would continue to date once a week. I questioned him as to why he wanted to stop the sex and his answer was that he didn't want me to think he was only with me for the sex. He continued to call me and e-mail occasionally but I could see that he was pulling back a little more all the time. I learned that he had been seeing another woman whom he claimed to be just a friend, but he spent a lot more time with her than he did with me. He told me he was just helping her through a bad relationship and was advising her to leave her boyfriend. I asked if he had an agenda that he wasn't telling me about but he denied it. I finally couldn't live that way anymore and I walked. Turns out I was right. They were more than just friends and his pulling away from me was a way for him to get me to leave so he wouldn't come off as the bad guy.

Go get yourself the book "He's Just Not That Into You". There is a chapter in there about a man not having sex with you. It states, if he's not having sex with you, he's just not that into you. It's hard to realize someone you care for doesn't care for you back the way you want them to, but it's better that you see the signs now and do something about it before you end up getting too emotionally involved. It hurts a lot more after that happens. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 8:15am
Hmmm, it is so much easier to give good advice on beahlf of other.

Well, yes- you do have to confront him if you want to be more then his friend. Because if that is what you want, but not what he want-->this is a blind alley.

It is easier to start over again when you know he is not avaliable for you. So confront him , and see what happens. Either he wants you, or either he dont. Thats the hard fact, but it will help you forward. Dont let this get to you

Best of luck

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